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Kristen Anne Glover

Five in Tow

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Variations on the Theme “Mom”

When you’re a new parent, you can’t wait to hear your baby say your name for the first time.  “Say ma-ma!  Say ma-ma!” you coach.  You have no idea that in a few short months, and for the rest of your life, your little Muffin will use that single word like a machine gun in her budding linguistic arsenal.  She will say it so many times and mean so many different things by it, you will begin to wonder why you were jealous when she said “da-da” first.

If you’re going to survive until your child reaches adulthood, you will need this guide.

The 10 Most Common Meanings for the Word Mom

Don’t encourage me.  You have no idea what I’m going to do once I can say ma-ma.

  • “Ma-ma, ma-ma, ma-ma.”

Interpretation: Huh.  She comes whenever I say that.  Interesting…

Where you are, there I will be.  And if I’m not, I’ll cry.

  • “MommEEEEEEEEE!”

Interpretation: Don’t ever walk out of the room again!  I thought you disappeared forever!

“Sibling” is Latin for “informant”

  • “MOOOOOOOOOOM!”

Interpretation: I’m about to tatttttle on sommmmmeone!

I know you said “Yes?” three times, but how can I be sure you’re really listening?

  • “Mom?  Mom?  Mom?  Mom?  Mom?”

FYI: I’m talking to you.

Genius at work

  • “Ma-OMMM!”

Interpretation: I’m stuck.  Again.

The louder I scream, the less it hurts

  • “Ma-aha-aha-aha-aha-aha-mmm!”

Interpretation: Oh, the pain!  Oh!  I’m going to die!   Can I have a cookie?

The bedwetting mask of shame.

  • “Mom-UH.”

Interpretation: I can’t believe you mentioned bedwetting in front of Grandma.  Again.

I’ve got her right where I want her.

  • “MOoooOOOOOOoooooOOOOOOOooooooOOOOOM!”

Interpretation: I’m out of fishy crackers.  And yes, both of my arms are broken.

  • “Mom.”

Interpretation: You’re hopelessly misinformed.  Allow me or Dad to educate you.

Lastly, the most dreaded “mom” of all:

  • “Muh-ther!”

Interpretation: The party is so over.   Keep this up and I might have to roll my eyes at you.

*This use of the word “mom” is reserved for those Special Forces known as Moms of Teenagers.  Disregard if you have a son under 13 or a daughter under age 8. 

Humor, Parenting, Uncategorized 15 Comments

The 10 AM Rule

“Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise,” Benjamin Franklin once said, but I should have known better than to take advice from the guy who messes up my kids’ schedules twice a year with Daylight Saving Time.  Clearly, this Founding Father never had to get up in the middle of the night to feed a baby or he would know that rising early just makes a person emotionally unstable.

Still, there’s something noble and industrious about getting up and out the door at the crack of dawn.  It feels very adult, very grown-up.  The responsible me used to drag myself out of bed at 5:45 am, bleary-eyed and comatose, in order to get myself and the kids ready for the day.  We were out the door by 7:15 where we joined the rush of the chronically cranky.  It was a parenting nightmare.

Then I discovered the single greatest child-rearing tip of all time: The 10 AM Rule.  It is brilliantly simple.  If you want to be a good parent, nay, a good human being, don’t leave the house before 10 am.  Ever.  No really—just don’t do it.  Personally, I haven’t left the house before 10 am in years, except for really good Black Friday sales and once, childbirth.  Okay, there’s church too, but that hardly counts because they serve doughnuts.

It’s like being a vampire, only in reverse.  Things go better for me if I stay behind closed doors until the morning is safely underway.  10 am is the safety zone. If I try to leave the house any earlier than that, you might see my fangs.

Think about it: 7:00 am is disastrous.  Children are genetically programed to move slower at this absurd time of the day, unless it’s Christmas or Saturday.  Your child will die if he has to get out from under the covers before 7.  He will die if he has to walk across the floor and put on his own shoes.  He will die if his sister looks as him funny.  He will die if he has to eat breakfast, and he will die if he doesn’t.

At 7 am, “right now” is nearly 50% of your word content.  As in, “Get dressed right now!”  “Eat your breakfast right now!”   “Stop dawdling right now!”  Your child is 10 times more likely to look at you with a face that says, “Make me,” and you are 100% more likely to do exactly that.

It’s hard to be holy at 7 am.

But 8 am is different, and you think, “Any reasonable person should be able to get out the door by 8 am.”  But by now, the children are moving faster, and they are bored.  In the time it took you to find something in your closet that doesn’t make you look pregnant, they turned your calm morning shower into a spectator event, and asked for no less than five Band-Aids.  The older kids found a cable channel that necessitated an immediate family meeting while the younger ones smeared toothpaste all over the bathroom floor.

At 8 am, you will forget to use your inside voice.

But 9:00 am is worst of all.  It is sneaky like a toddler with scissors.  By then, you’ve had time to wrestle yourself into a pair of extra-strength Spanx and fished your missing earring out of the Lego bin.  You have cancelled cable and issued several murderous threats to the next little person who barges in on you in the bathroom.

You’ve had time to drink any coffee the kids haven’t spilled, and with caffeine coursing through your veins, you dominate the to-do list.  At 9 am, you are the master of the morning routine!

Ah…but that is the trap.  Disillusioned by your own awesomeness and feeling a little lightheaded from the lack of oxygen to the Spanxed region, you begin to think, “I am so with it this morning!  I think I have time to mop the floor and make cookies for the kids!”

Blissfully unaware of the danger, you skip happily toward the tasks that will lead to your undoing.  Suddenly, you look up and it’s 8:45.  8:45 and you smell like Pine Sol and snickerdoodles.  The dog is wearing your daughter’s back pack and you are pretty sure their bus driver was serious when she said she expected your kindergartener to be wearing pants before he got on the bus.

9 am is the Siren song of the morning.  You may as well just take the rest of the day off for an awkward yearly physical because things are not going to get any better.

But by 10 am, Morning has begun to slither slowly toward another time zone.  The Sirens stop singing.  No one is crying.  The caffeine is in full-effect.   At 10 am, we can walk out the door for church and all the kids will have their hair brushed and their faces wiped clean of the breakfast I had to force-feed them.  Everyone has shoes on the right feet and I do not look like I need Botox for my premature frown lines.  By 10 am, I could write the book on parenting.

Just don’t ask me to do it at 9:45.

Humor, Parenting, Uncategorized 8 Comments

Knitting Day

Mrs. Greenlee on knitting day with Faith, Kya, and Jonathan

Twice a week, my oldest three children run across the street and up the steps to Mrs. Greenlee’s house for knitting lessons.  It’s a fairly new addition to our weekly schedule, so the needles seem impossibly cumbersome and their fingers clumsy.  But at 3 o’clock on knitting days, when the school work is mostly done and we’re all ready for a break, the kids don’t care how hard the learning because Mrs. Greenlee is the teacher.

Virginia Greenlee has a flash of white hair and a strong Norwegian accent.  She was born in the United States but went back to Norway with her mother and older sister when she was still young enough to forget she had ever lived anywhere else.  The trip was meant to be a short one, just long enough for Virginia’s mother to go home and see her family.  But then the war came and everything changed.

The Germans surrounded Virginia’s town.  They confiscated the horses, the cows, even the bicycles.  No one could come or go.  Signs posted on the telephone poles and tree trunks threatened to shoot troublemakers on site, no questions asked.  Up in the mountains, Virginia’s mother was powerless to go back to America where her children would be safe.  There was nothing to do but hope the fighting wouldn’t last long.

That was wishful thinking.  The months stretched on and on.  Virginia’s mother earned extra money as a seamstress, and Virginia, at eight years old, was sent away to work on various farms.  She helped a mother with a set of twins whose husband didn’t earn enough to support them all.  The mother walked into town each day to work while Virginia stayed home with the babies, barely old enough to know what to do when they wouldn’t stop crying.  On Sunday, when she didn’t have to work, Virginia walked out to the edge of the property where she could look out and see her own farm below and let the tears stream down her face.

But the war years were hard, and no one had extra food to feed a growing girl.  The Nazis had taken everything.  Once, a whale washed up on shore and the people, who were desperate for food, came out and cut big slabs of blubber and strips of dark, black meat to eat.  It tasted so strong of fish, Virginia could hardly get it down.  But the Nazis didn’t want it, and that was reason enough to be thankful.

In time, Virginia moved back to the States and married the love of her life, a Norwegian man who fell in love with her red hair and freckles.  Together, they had two children and became foster parents to many more.  One morning, after she had gotten the girls off to school and the little foster boys busy with an activity, Virginia realized she hadn’t seen her husband all morning.  She went in and found him dead in their bed from a massive heart attack.  He was already cold.  He had died, her beautiful, young husband, right there in that room while she was just a few steps away, and she hadn’t known it.  She hadn’t heard it, hadn’t felt it.

The foster boys had to be sent away, those two sweet little brothers Virginia had fallen in love with but could no longer support.  She was a widow.

Eventually, Virginia married again, but this man was not like the first.  He was not gentle and kind and loving.  He did not care for the children.  He was an evil man who wanted to control her and push her down, like the Germans had.  Looking for sympathy and support, Virginia went to her pastor, who ignorantly told her to be a better wife.  That would solve the problem, he said.  She left the church and her husband, took the children and never went back to either.  Being alone was not as scary as it used to be.

Years have come and gone.  Mrs. Greenlee married one last time to a man who loves her like she should be loved.  They hardly ever fight, unless you can count the time four years ago when Tom insisted they take a tour of Egypt and Virginia could not muster up any interest in crossing the desert on camel just to see the Sphinx.  Mr. Greenlee has an entire album of pictures of his dear wife, frowning at him all over Egypt.

Truth be told, Mrs. Greenlee is getting to the age where she is more content to stay at home.  She flies the flag of Norway on the 17th of May and closes all the shades on the 4th of July because the sound of the fireworks reminds her of the bombs that fell all around her village when the Germans first came to shore.  At Christmas, she heats up an old iron griddle and makes Krumkake with my children and tells Viking stories while they shape the cookies into cones and burn their tongues because they can’t help but taste them before they’re cool.

“Mrs. Greenlee’s Nor-Asian,” Kya explains as Tom takes pictures of the cookies and the kids in front of the flag so Virginia can send them to her friends in Norway.  They don’t know these five kids aren’t really Mrs. Greenlee’s own grandchildren.  It’s just a small detail, really.

One day, Mrs. Greenlee called with a present for Kya.  It was a hand-knit afghan, pink, just the way an afghan for Kya should be.  Soon, she sent over another for Faith, with promises to make three more for the boys.  “I just want to give them something to remember this old lady by when she’s not here anymore,” she said.

Not having Mrs. Greenlee here anymore is unthinkable.  Forgetting her is impossible.  We love her too much.

So, when Mrs. Greenlee suggested in her quiet, unobtrusive way, that maybe, just maybe, the kids could come over and she could teach them to knit, if we weren’t too busy and it didn’t interfere with school, I couldn’t think of anything I’d rather have them do.  Maybe there will be handmade potholders and scarves in our future.  Maybe there will be dropped stitches and frustrations.  It doesn’t really matter.  What my children are learning on knitting day has nothing to do with needles and yarn.  It has everything to do with the value of years and the collection of memories she speaks into their lives.  It has to do with history and humanity, of understanding the times and the consequences of actions.

It has to do with things she is far more qualified to teach, things I hope my children never forget.

For another story about our neighbors, check out the post “One of the Good Ones.”

Linking up here!

Parenting 16 Comments

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I believe you can find grace for the mother you are and help to become the mother you long to be—a mom who has the freedom to choose the better things and enjoy her kids right now.

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