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Kristen Anne Glover

Five in Tow

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Take Me Instead

Seedling

All of my children shook their heads and looked at me innocently.  “I didn’t do it, Mom,” they each said.

“Do you know who did?”

They looked at each other and shook their heads again.  “No, Mom.”

Someone was lying.  I held the uprooted seedlings in my hand and stretched them out for the kids to see.  “One of you pulled these little plants out of the dirt.  Which one of you did it?”

Again, all five children claimed innocence.

I had my suspicions, given the nature of the crime, but I could not tell for certain.  The only thing I knew for certain was that one of my children was holding onto a lie and betting on the protection of the pack to keep it hidden.

“I’m sorry,” I said to all of them.  “One of you is lying to me.  Until that person decides to tell the truth, you will go up to your beds and stay there.  No books, no toys, no lunch.  If it takes until the afternoon, you will also miss gym class.”

Ten saucer-eyes stared at me.  They adore gym class.  I felt sorry that all five might miss it at the expense of the one.  But what could be done?  I couldn’t let that child get away with hiding a sin behind his siblings.

The children trudged upstairs.  I could hear them talking.  The Grand Inquisition was going on across the two rooms, but no one was budging.  A chorus of, “Well, it wasn’t me,” echoed through the living room.

Ten minutes passed.  Then fifteen.  Lunchtime came and went.  I ate my leftover salmon and salad in silence so I could hear the second-guessing in my head.

Parenting stinks sometimes.

Uprooted

Finally, I called each one of the children to me.  I held each one’s hands and asked him or her to be honest.  Four of them were.  One of them wasn’t. 

“One of you is being very selfish,” I said.  “You are letting your brothers and sisters be punished along with you because you love yourself and your lie more than them.”

“Maybe it was the kitten,” Paul whispered sadly.

Obligingly, I inspected the little seedlings for evidence of feline foul play.  There wasn’t any: no bite marks, no cat hairs, no spilled dirt.  Each seedling had been extracted carefully and placed across the dirt like a little corpse.  I could only wish our kitten would be so considerate.

I sent Paul back upstairs and locked myself in the bathroom to cry.

I heard a gentle knock on the door.  “Mom?”

It was Kya.

“Mom, what would happen if someone who didn’t do it said they did so the others wouldn’t have to be punished?” 

I gulped.  “Well, Kya, that would be a very hard thing, wouldn’t it?”

“Yeah.  But would you let me, if I decided to do that?”

I thought for a second.  “Yes, I would,” I said slowly, fresh tears springing up in my eyes.  I didn’t want to let her.  I wasn’t sure I should let her.

“Okay,” she said.  “I was kind of thinking that’s what Jesus did.”

“It is.”

She nodded slowly, fear swimming in her eyes.  “So I think that’s what I should do.”

Take Me Instead

Sweet, gentle Kya, who loves her siblings with a loyalty that surprises me sometimes, was willing to take the punishment she did not deserve in order to spare the others.  She was even willing to suffer for the betrayer, the one who did not care enough to spare her from the same thing.

It was so unfair, so agonizing, so beautiful.

It was the gospel lived out in the curly-haired visage of my middle child.

“I think,” said Jonathan, when he heard of her plan, “that Kya is a lot like Jesus.”

It’s not that she is saintly or without faults.  She suffers from the same humanity as the rest of us.  She did not want to take a punishment she did not deserve.  I could see her wrestling with the weight of it.  She would be the guilty party.  She would be the one who uprooted her mother’s plants.  She would be the one who would suffer while the real offender got away with it.

It was not just.

It was not right.

But in her mind, it was worth it to suffer for a sin she did not commit in order to free her siblings from punishment.

That’s what made it so beautiful.  She chose pain in order to grant freedom.

And oh, how the gospel filled our home the moment that blotchy-faced little girl looked up at me and said, “Take me instead.”

Some people like to think that Jesus did not suffer when he took the punishment for us, or that his sacrifice did not come with the agonizing submission of his own will to something he was not naturally inclined to do.  They think, perhaps, that Jesus felt less than the rest of us, that his sense of justice was toned down by an extra-human dose of empathy.

seedlings

We looked at Kya’s tears and we knew that wasn’t true.  Jesus actually, truly suffered for us.  He agonized over his sacrifice.  He wrestled with his flesh before he laid it down.

We rob him of the sacrifice when we allow ourselves to think Christ’s holiness anesthetized his humanity.  We steal away the awful beauty of the cross when we believe that it didn’t cost him as much as it would us, that somehow, his sacrifice did not come with the same ripping of the soul that it would have if we had offered ourselves.

He suffered under flesh and with flesh and he of all people knew the disparity in the sacrifice.  He felt it.

The miracle is, he did it anyway. 

He chose pain in order to grant freedom when he stretched out his arms, looked up into his Father’s face and whispered, “Take me instead.”

I looked at my child and felt a great uprooting in me, the kind that should come in light of that kind of sacrifice.  Someone stood in for me, and crushed him.

I have forgotten.

I have been indifferent.  

But by His grace, I have been reminded in the curly-haired visage of a little girl who said, “Take me instead.”

Faith, Parenting 10 Comments

Exploring Carlsbad Caverns

desert

Today, the road to Carlsbad Caverns winds through the Chihuahuan Desert and the Guadalupe Mountains

The year was 1898, although there was little need to know the year or the month or even the hour for a man who had spent his life out in the endless Chihuahuan Desert.  Ever since he was ten years old, he had been a cowboy, preferring to earn a living in the wilderness than an education in a schoolroom.

For six years, the days rolled on almost without distinction.  Stick and wire fences were all that broke up the endless miles of creosote bushes and blazing blue sky.  Mile after mile, day after day, it was the same.

Then one day, the young man looked up from the fence row he was repairing and saw the earth open up.  A black cloud belched out from broken ground and filled the endless blue with shards of night.

He mounted his horse and rode on and on against the sunset until he found himself staring into the very center of the earth.  A deep, greedy black pit hissed cool, dank air across his face.  The black ashes that swirled around in the growing darkness were not ashes at all, but thousands and thousands of Mexican free-tailed bats.

Bat Cave

The natural entrance to Carlsbad Caverns, as it looks today

His name was Jim White, and he was standing face-to-face with the discovery that would change his life forever.  He had found Carlsbad Caverns.

Carlsbad Caverns

The Glovers at Carlsbad Caverns!  Why am I the only one who looks excited?

Night was growing fast, but Jim made up his mind right then and there to come back and see what was inside that hole.  Other people had seen the same thing he had–a gigantic black pit filled with bats that flew out and clouded the desert sky each night–but not one of them ever had the thought to go down into the bat-filled darkness to see what was inside.

Entrance to Carlsbad Caverns

The entrance to Carlsbad Caverns is bright and easy to navigate today. 

But Jim was sixteen, and God gives sixteen-year-old men adventure in their blood and strength  in their bodies to do the things that need to be done to move this world forward.  He was not old enough yet to know the danger of discovery and not wise enough to the value of life to think it might not be worth giving up for a hole in the ground.

So he came back with the tools of his trade: barbed wire, foraged sticks, and a home-made lantern.  Jim worked the wire into a ladder, lit up his lamp, and descended into the darkness.  Even the weak glow of the blue flame could not keep him from seeing the beauty hidden in the cavern.

Carlsbad Caverns

Inside Carlsbad Caverns where grand columns great humble visitors

Massive stalactites, stalagmites, and draperies–words Jim had never even heard before–stood before him in silent tribute to the Artist who had been forming them in secret for thousands of years before any human eye would ever see them.  He wandered farther and father as the cave continued to open into new passages filled with unspeakable wonders.  He was a man among giants.

stalactites

Stalactites in Carlsbad Caverns

Suddenly, Jim’s light went out.  Darkness clapped her hand against his mouth so he could not scream.  The man was a boy again in an instant.  He struggled to breathe in the sudden, frantic realization that he had been swallowed by the earth and could not find his way out.

Slowly, panic gave way to reason and Jim managed to find the extra kerosene he had carried down in a canteen.  He filled his lantern blind, and when the light shone around on the eerie, ancient catacomb again, he fumbled, shaking, for the way out.

Panoramic of Carlsbad

Even with the modern lighting, this panoramic view of Carlsbad Caverns shows that it remains a dark and mysterious place to behold

But he came back time and time again, learning the passage ways by unwinding a spool of yarn behind him so he would not lose his way.  Over time, he brought others to the cave: tourists, scientists, famous adventurers and important men–anyone who wanted to share the wonder with him.

Jim lived above the caves his entire life, always learning, always discovering, always looking deep to see what other secrets the earth held for him.  Even after the caves gained national attention, he stayed.  No one else knew the caves like he did, after all, and no one else loved them as well.

Carlsbad Caverns

A still-active stalagmite grows with the slow dripping of water in the Big Room of Carlsbad Caverns

We came to the caverns over one hundred years after Jim White first stood at the gaping black hole and decided to venture in.  Even though all the decades have passed and the cave is no longer something fearful, I felt as if I was making the discovery on my own.  It was bright in there now, not dark, and the bats were gone for the winter.  Paved paths, not questionable ladders and guano buckets, led us down into the belly of the earth.

But what a sight it was to behold.

Never in my life have I seen something so awe-inspiring as those caves, whose arched ceilings and intricate walls are more beautiful than any temple ever made by man.  Where on this earth could I go to see the works of any hands that could rival this?  What other architect could build such glorious structures, drop by drop, with water?

Carlsbad Caverns

The cathedral that is Carlsbad Caverns

It took my breath away.

I thought of Jim White, who stood on the edge of the deep, dark cave with dusty boots and no good reason to go further, and made a choice.  He went in.

And then we went back.  He went deeper, and higher, and farther–farther than the safety of yarn balls and handmade ladders.  He could have been satisfied with the beauty of the first great hall of stone, but he wasn’t.  Somehow, he knew that the deeper he went, the more glory he would find.

Carlsbad Caverns

Deep in the bowels of Carlsbad Caverns. If you look closely, you’ll see Jeff and the kids on the path.

 

Still, that sixteen-year-old boy had no idea what wonders he would find beneath the earth.  He thought it might be something great, but he could not even begin to fathom the depths of the riches of his discovery.  Even today, more than a hundred years later, the far-reaches of Carlsbad Caverns remain largely uncharted and undiscovered.

stalagmite at Carlsbad Caverns

In the Hall of Giants, facing the enormous stalagmites at Carlsbad Caverns

But if you were to climb to the surface and look around, you would see the same unchanging desert that Jim saw every day of his life.  The same blue sky, the same sandy ground, the same line of mountains in the distance.  If he had not ridden toward the unknown, and been willing to step into the deep, we might never know that there was anything more to see in the great New Mexican wilderness.

I stood in those caves, eyes raised in wonder, and thought, “How much do I miss of God because I am not willing to look, and not brave enough to go deeper, then deeper still?”

What if I was willing to be unsatisfied with what my eyes could see?  I wonder what marvels would await me right beneath the surface.

Five in Tow in Carlsbad

Five in Tow in Carlsbad Caverns

 

 

Faith 3 Comments

Linger

Linger

Linger

The coffee cup is hot in my hands.  I sit under the Christmas tree in my empty house and loop my fingers through the warm handle, mesmerized by the twinkling lights reflected in the inky blackness of my cup.

The frenzy is over.  All the Christmas presents have been opened and put away.  Our guests have come and gone.  Up in the loft, the air mattress exhales softly next to a pile of quilts waiting to be washed.  The fridge is choked with leftovers and Christmas cookies grow stale on the counter.  Five limp stockings hang by the fireplace.

Out in the world, under the rush of highways and the urgency of clocks that never cease, stores are hauling out next year’s calendars and Valentine’s candy.

The message rings loud and clear: Christmas is over.  The curtain has closed on the show we’ve been building up to all year long, and there is nothing more to look forward to but the cold emptiness of January.

We’ve barely cracked Jesus out of the Styrofoam and plunked him in the manger on Christmas morning when it is time to pack him up again.

Long Expected Jesus

There’s something very backwards about that, I think, and I feel the need to linger here a little longer under the twinkling lights on the carefully-crafted stage, believing with all my heart that Christmas is not the end but the beginning.

All the awful expectation, the groaning under never-ending Advent days, the weariness of waiting for a cure that will not come—is over.  He has come.

Dwell

Finally, I am free.  I am free from the empty striving of the holiday season and the vain attempts to produce peace and joy by my doings.  Here, in the days after Christmas, I find my rest.

I sit in the midst of beautiful adornment and I think that now, now, all the glory is appropriate because now my rescuer has come.  Now, the Son has dawned.

Incarnation

Now we can begin to celebrate, now when most everyone is packing away the ornaments and hauling the tree to the curb.

But oh, I do not want to pack it in now.  I want to throw open the curtain, cut the ribbon, and begin here.  I want to sit under the lights and let the incarnation in.

Linger.

Dwell.

Worship.

Wonder at the brightest beginning we could ever hope for, the beginning that trumps all other beginnings, the page-turner that leads into a beautiful New Year’s and lovely Valentine’s and the glorious climax of Easter.

This is where the story starts.  Christmas day is over, but Christmas—Christ with us!—has just begun.

Here

Faith 8 Comments

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I believe you can find grace for the mother you are and help to become the mother you long to be—a mom who has the freedom to choose the better things and enjoy her kids right now.

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