She stands in the kitchen with her arms up to her elbows in soapy water. She smiles when you come in, but it’s one of those tired smiles, like her lips aren’t convinced the effort is worth it. There’s a sadness in her eyes, too, and you can’t figure it out.
You didn’t do anything, didn’t say anything. As far as you know, the weekend was great. She made pancakes for breakfast; you got that project done that she’s been asking you to do for weeks. Then you all went to the park, and you listened to her chatter endlessly while you watched the kids play.
So what gives? It’s like you can’t make her happy, no matter how much time you spend together. It’s never enough for her.
You shuffle out of the kitchen thinking, “If she wants to talk, she’ll talk.”
But she doesn’t.
Even though I don’t know your wife, and I don’t know you, I think I know why she is sad on Sunday.
She is sad on Sundays because the weekend is already used up, and the next day, you leave again. Tomorrow, you go back to work, and she is left all alone with everyone in the sometimes overwhelming work of motherhood and homemaking. Your wife feels the weight of a week stretching out before her, and she feels very alone.
“Boy, I’d sure much rather stay home all day than go to work,” you might think. Please don’t say it—just listen. Your work is hard; she knows it. She knows it’s not fun to get up in the morning every day and physically go to work. She knows you put in long days, and you do it to provide for her and the kids. She loves you for that.
But at the end of the day, you get to shut your office door and leave the work behind, most days.
She doesn’t.
Because “home” for you is not the same as “home” for your wife. Home for you is the place you come when your work is done. It is the respite, the rest you’ve earned. You can turn off the car, walk up the front steps, and be done.
Your wife lives at her work. She wakes up every day to work and goes to bed every night to work. There is no break, no marked finish line, no 5 o’clock quitting time. Every space she moves in is one she has to care for; every mouth is one she has to feed. All the things that make your home warm and comfortable and inviting are things she has to dust and sweep, wash and put away.
That’s why she gives you the evil eye when you leave your socks on the floor, because at the end of the day, she feels she is responsible for this space you call home. Of course you pitch in and help. You are not one of those men who comes home and just checks out. But the emotional weight of caring for a home and children is different for you than it is for her.
That’s because it’s her job.
You see, your wife does not just stay at home; she lives at work.
And it is good and lovely and all those things, but it’s also constant, never-ending, and exhausting. There is always something more to be done, and when something isn’t done, she feels as if it reflects on her as a wife, mother, and woman.
When she doesn’t do a “good job” at home, she feels bad about herself.
I know that’s hard to imagine because if you’re like most men, you’re good at putting work in a box and viewing it logically. You know all the housework isn’t hers, and you know it’s not her fault that the laundry didn’t get done. So why does she feel that way?
Maybe this will help: imagine you and your wife own a doughnut shop. That sounds fantastic, doesn’t it? Doughnuts all day, every day.
But you don’t just own a doughnut shop, you live there. And you don’t just live there by yourself. You live there with all of your customers.
Every day, it’s your job to promote your doughnut shop. You bring samples to people and deliver special orders. People love you. They throw money at you and beg you to come back tomorrow. You’re the hero. You’re the doughnut guy.
Meanwhile, your wife stays at the shop. She makes the doughnuts, serves the customers, wipes down the counters, answers the phone, mixes up more dough…all while the customers are eating everything she’s made, putting sticky fingers all over the freshly-cleaned tables, and complaining that they wanted chocolate and not vanilla.
When you get home from your rounds, your part of the job is done. The customers cheer when you walk in, and you take off your coat and wrestle around a bit until they’re hungry again. You take a peek at your wife, who’s in the kitchen, where it looks for all the world like a flour bomb went off.
You wonder what she’s been doing all day, but you’re smart enough not to ask.
Let me tell you: she’s been doing the same things over and over and over again all day long, and she is beginning to think she will never get to the end of it. Worse, she feels like a failure because she believes that if she was just was a little more organized, or a little less scattered, or a little bit…better at this, she could get to the end of her work. She could be done.
And she could enjoy you and the kids the way you do when you come home from work.
That is why she is sad on Sunday. Because even after a weekend, even with you home, she is not done. She is not angry with you or resentful. She simply wishes for all the world that she could pause time and just be in her home and not at work.
It’s not that she needs you to work harder or help her more, unless you are one of those guys who just checks out. But husband, if you look at your wife on Sunday night and see that kind of sadness in her eyes, there are some things you can do to help.
- Write her a note and leave it on the coffee pot where she’ll see it Monday morning.
- Call to check in on her. Sure, she texts you a million times a day. Tomorrow, beat her to it.
- Pray for her. Let her hear you.
- Write out Scripture passages and leave them on the fridge. Here’s a good one: “An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels.” Proverbs 31:10
- Make it a habit to ask, “What’s one thing I could do to help you tonight?”
- Help her relax even when her work is not done (because between you and me, it never will be). Make the popcorn and start the movie, then pull her out of the kitchen for a break.
- Be appreciative. You earn a paycheck and praises at work, but she doesn’t. Say thanks—it will encourage her heart more than you know.
When your wife is sad on Sunday, pull her close. Let her know she’s not working alone. You are in this together, and she is home.
Thanks so much for this good directive post
When wife is sad, husband can leave a thousand notes and a thousand more will never be enough. Gratitude begins with wife. Decisions to sit down when it it time begins with wife. Compulsions with nesting over sanity begins with wife. A thousand words won’t fix anything. I’m old enough to know. I asked God to help me. Now the house is not perfect, but my husband loves my smile more than he loves pancakes or pudding. God loves my smile on Sunday. If this message sticks, it will save you a thousand more sorrows. If it doesn’t, it’s not meant for you.
Well written article, and True
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Thank you for putting into words what so many of us can’t.
I love this! It describes exactly what it feels like to be a mom. Thank you for writing this.
Absolutely loved this.
Its exactly how I feel.
Thank you.
For every man who wants to point out how this article fell short on portraying the pressures a man has to endure in the face of the ever changing climate that is the current workforce….
Don’t miss the point….you WANT your wife to look sad that she isn’t going to be able to spend as much time with you as the weekend ends and the work week rears it’s ugly head. Otherwise, you probably are a drag to be around! If your wife looks thrilled on Sundays, you may need to face some cold hard facts!
And for any woman who is criticizing another woman because she may “only work at home”…being in the workplace for one, allows you the ability to say, “I’m sorry, I can’t, I have to work” when someone asks you for help because when you don’t work outside of the home, you MUST have loads of free time.
And for anybody who thinks a woman who works at home doesn’t share in her partners concerns about making ends meet, or doesn’t feel sadness that their partner is missing out on the “firsts” or things like your child’s sporting events, what a ridiculous notion! Do you think a “work at home” wife’s life exists in a vacuum???
One last point…. I have experienced every one of these perspectives at some point in my life. Breadwinner, work-at-home, work outside and inside of the home…And only one thing is unequivocally true…EVERY perspective has a down side….just because your experience is all you know, doesn’t make anyone else’s any easier! And when you are a partner in a relationship, you should be just as concerned about the health, well-being, and happiness of your “other half” as you are of your own needs.
Omg such First world problem! You’re a housewife, just be glad you get to be at your house and dont go to the real job. Cleaning your own house isn’t a job.
Are you freaking nuts ! It’s a job we just don’t get paid for. And if you think cleaning is all there is to it you really are crazy. I have been in both roles and even when you work outside the home your job don’t stop when you get home , your second UNPAID job just begins. It would be nice to work 9-5 get home and not have any other work to do. I would love to sit on my ass and have someone bring me a plate of homecooked food and go to my closet and drawers and always have clean socks, underwear and clothes cause someone else put them there for me. I could go on and on but I don’t think you would comprehend it anyway.
If you think it’s s job you’re a bad parent and shouldn’t have make kids. It’s expected you take care of them once you made a conscious decision. You don’t need to get paid to clean your own damn house or paid to take care of your own spawn. If you regret your poor decisions, it’s not my problem but mature enough and maybe ask your partner to step up if you think it’s unfair. Clearly you have issues with your hubby not helping you around the house, lol. You treat him like a child and get mad at the world. Either make him put his own socks in the drawer or split if it’s so unfair to you. Or maybe he doesn’t help you because you relaxed at home when he was working hard?
I’m currently not working because of health issues and it’s super easy and relaxing to take care of home, I get enough sleep and it’s not as stressful as when I was working. With all the help from grandmas I get to go have food dates and meet friends. That was not possible when I was working because they would stil help out but i have less time for myself.
Between the reference to the Water of Life, and the kid getting knifed through his jaw, I wonder if Gaiman had Dune on the brain while he wrote this. I know who Mister World is! I recognized the sewed-together lips the second they were mentioned, though of course I won't say anything else for now.
I need to go there!!! Maybe I should just build my own things to break and throw and kick, though I don’t think that would be as fun. Sometimes I can’t put my anger into words and punching or breaking something would feel so much better.
This is beautiful, raw, and just so relatable! Thank you so much for this!
To all the Hubbys who just got home from work at 8pm (or are still at work) and are just reading this after your wife shared this post to her FB – my condolences. No matter how much you do to help around the house tonight – or any night – its not important. No matter how hard you work to keep the kids enrolled in baseball, dance, gymnastics, basketball, swim, soccer – and get dropped off picked up in the minivan – its not enough. She may says she loves you for it, and probably does- but that doesn’t mean its enough. No matter how much worry you carry home with you every night that if your job performance is not constantly improving, you will be next on the layoff line, its not enough. Probably not a good idea either to explain to your wife that men’s intrinsic sense of self worth and fulfillment in life is highly linked to our primal desire to provide for and protect their family. She also probably wont respond well to ‘my language of love’ discussion……..But just take solace in knowing your doing your best. Someday it will be enough…
I read this, and shared it with my husband. In no way was it meant to say that what he does isn’t enough, and I sure hope he didn’t assume that’s what this article was saying like it seems most other men did.
My husband works every day, and he works hard. He’s a construction crew foreman, and works 8-12 hour days whether it’s 90 degrees or -10. I’ve seen him struggle mentally over how we’re going to pay an unexpected bill, whether or not he’ll finish a project at work with enough efficiency to keep the higher-ups happy, and deal with a disappointed kid because he wasn’t able to make it to one of their events. He’s missed all the first steps, first smiles, and first days of school of all three of our daughters, just so he can provide for us….and I see how it makes him sad. I understand his side of it. I have sympathy for him, which is why I do my very best every single day to make sure he’s coming home to a clean house, healthy dinner, and stress free family time. I’m his helper. This life doesn’t work well if we don’t work together.
But I still shared this, because I wanted him to understand how I feel too. That my stress on Sundays when I know that we’re starting it all over again, isn’t because I’m upset with him. It’s because I’m going to miss him. Just because I’m sharing an article that says how I feel, doesn’t mean that I don’t understand how my husband feels too. Communication is the key to keeping things running smoothly. And I truly hope that if the situation were reversed, and he shared an article with me that says how he feels, I would be able to read it without feelings of resentment or pity for myself. I hope that I would be able to read it and think to myself “Ok, how can I make him feel better? He needs to hear that he’s appreciated more? I can do that. He needs me to leave a note in his lunch box letting him know I love him? Done. He misses the kids while he’s at work? Maybe I can send him a picture of how cute they are today.”
Very well said. Good job.
#Firstworldstayathomemommyproblems #letmegetbacktowashingmyclothesbyhand
Agreed! Spoiled housewife.
Why is it when people write something the husband is always portrayed at the office. He is in air conditioning, soft seat, people who do his work. I got news for you, NOT ALL MEN WORK IN A COMFY OFFICE. I work construction: out in wind chill-54 degrees, hang by a safety harness 20 stories off the ground, hope you can picture this.
Yes I get upset at writers with such a narrow view of life. When you write an article please remember not very REAL MEN get a comfy office. Your article has a lot of truth about a wife’s role and job. Yes her role is 24 hours, 7 days a week. The husband must realize her role and give her praise, help, relief, to build her up. I had a Mother who demonstrated a role to follow. We were taught to do chores and help out. That example has carried over in my marriage. I see the struggle my Mom went through as she also worked a full-time job. I also have witnessed many man who do not help their wife in the home. Marriage is not so called 50/50. It takes two man and wife for a successful marriage.
A last comment don’t assume all men get the pleasure and come home and relax. Sounds as if this is your situation. May the Good Lord help you and your husband.
Hè verdikkeme, dat is een tegenvaller. Maar….. Wat zal je er straks in januari van genieten!( schrale troost voor nu hè, maar ik probeer je toch maar wat op te vrolijken)
You say it so well. Thank you.
I feel this way even though I have a full time job now. I felt it when I was a stay at home mom. I felt this way as a 10 year old.
That’s all true, but even more so for women who work outside the home. They have all the same stresses and responsibilities of their mates all day, but then at the end of that day they get to go home and start their second shift. All the duties and chores and hassles that a stay-at-home mom deals with are now her duties and chores and hassles. If her husband helps, great! But it’s still ultimately her responsibility to make sure the kids are fed, kitchen cleaned up, laundry done, bathrooms cleaned, homework supervised, projects finished, missing shoes recovered, jackets mended, school supplies replenished, and quality time spent with each of her offspring. And always, there’s the guilt she feels because society has held up impossible standards for her that she will never reach. Guilt because she’s not at home with her children. Guilt because her house is not clean. Guilt because her family has to eat fast food and carry-out too often. Guilt because her mother-in-law (or even her mother) was so much better at stretching a dollar, taking care of her kids, keeping her house clean and neat, or giving her husband enough attention to keep him from looking elsewhere for it. Take it from this grandmother who has had it both ways–staying at home and going out to work and earn money for car payments and kids’ orthodontia. Motherhood is not for wimps, no matter where you work. I missed Little League games, losing that first tooth, an occasional awards program, and PTO meetings. I have to say, though, my 3 turned out just fine. All of them still come to visit, all of them tolerate hugs and kisses, all of them remember Mother’s Day and my birthday. Even better, they call me when they need a sitter, advice on a problem, or just to see how we’re doing. They are all caring, compassionate adults with outstanding work ethics and a huge capacity for love. Their dad and I have been blessed beyond our wildest dreams.
Excellent points!!! Well said Grandma!
While I understand and appreciate the central focus of this article, I can’t help being a bit put off… no, really angry… about the way it frames the husband in the situation. So here is my amendment to the doughnut analogy:
Every day, it’s your job to promote your doughnut shop. Every damn day. You wake up, doughnuts. You pull your socks and pants on, doughnuts. You can’t stop thinking about how to sell that next batch, because the delivery trucks are breaking down and you still haven’t paid them off, and the ol’ doughnut shop could REALLY use a coat of paint, and oh, the fryer is on the fritz again, and what’s going to pay for it if not the doughnuts you aren’t selling? I’m doing the best I can, you say… but it’s obviously not enough. You’ve got to dream doughnuts. You’ve got to come up with an innovative way to push them. Sure, you bring samples to people and deliver special orders, people love you. Well, maybe not love you, but they tolerate you. Well, most of the time they pretty much see you as a means to an end (that end being the doughnuts, that thing they truly love). They throw money at you and beg you to come back tomorrow, first thing. Don’t be late or you might end up selling day old bagels down the street, and then who’s going to pay to fix them? You’d better have the right ones this time. You can do it. You’re the hero. You’re the doughnut guy.
See, people don’t love the doughnut man, they just love the doughnuts. And why not? Those sugary rings of fat are delicious. You loved them once too. Or at least liked them enough to think making a career of selling them wouldn’t be so bad. But over the years, doughnuts have lost their luster and begun to be just a thing you sell to make ends meet. It’s hard to even remember how it felt to truly be passionate about doughnuts. Sure, you put on a good face when you’re out there in the world trying to hawk them. I mean, who’s going to pay for the doughnut kids to go to camp if you don’t at least pretend to like the product you’re selling? And don’t get me started on college or retirement. Those are just pipe dreams at the moment. Pipe dreams that you’d have to start a whole chain of doughnut shops to pay for, and you never really wanted to be a corporate mogul, you just wanted to eat a few and sell a few, naively thinking you might be able to enjoy your days. Thinking about that twists your stomach more than third doughnut regret. And there are few things in life that twist your stomach that much.
Meanwhile, your wife stays at the shop. She makes the doughnuts, serves the customers, wipes down the counters, answers the phone, mixes up more dough… all while the customers are eating everything she’s made, putting sticky fingers all over the freshly-cleaned tables, and complaining that they wanted chocolate and not vanilla. I mean, sure, she has friends that visit the shop. You remember what it was like to have those, right? I mean you get texts from that old friend from time to time… that’s sort of like having a friend. And what about that biscuit salesman, you guys get along, right?
When you get home from your rounds, the paying part of your job is done. No one cheers when you walk in, and you take off your coat and realize there’s no place to put it, so you try to help where you see the need. Your wife takes a peek at you from the kitchen, where it looks for all the world like a flour bomb went off, and you think you see a glint of resentment in her eye. You try to shake it off, but the feeling that you’re not quite meeting her expectations is just one more failure to pile up on the heap. So you try to ask what’s wrong, try to read the right articles and fulfill their prescriptions, even if it feels robotic and lacking in the very spontaneity that gave it meaning in the first place.
You walk into the kitchen and take a look at what’s for dinner. Doughnuts. No wait, sorry. It’s spaghetti. It just looked like doughnuts because everything looks like doughnuts. Go to sleep, doughnuts. Wake up, doughnuts. Doughnuts, doughnuts, doughnuts…
Spot on Donut Man!
I kind of wondered when we’d start comparing apples to apples and be shown a more in-depth providers view. I’m the stay-at-home mother and keep seeing articles like this. At first I was like, ” ya that’s right” and while they may be accurate, I’ve started to wonder why the men’s perspectives of daily life is usually portrayed more basic. Thanks for a more in-depth view. I particularly appreciated, “and what’s going to pay for it if not the doughnuts you aren’t selling? I’m doing the best I can, you say… but it’s obviously not enough.”
I guess he could use more encouragement–too.
As a Godly mother who stays home and works from home, how right are you. This is one article I feel I could read over and over. This mama is sad every Sunday when her husband goes back to work on Monday!
Please learn to be at home sometimes, even if home isn’t perfect. May your husband (if you have one) help you with this; may he understand. But even if he won’t, you must do this for yourself.
It must be so difficult for women who get the luxury of only worrying about cleaning a house and caring for kids. Write pilthy articles when you’re juggling all of that and a demanding job. Gag.
I feel this way too. I would love to only stay at home and take care of this…not work 40+ hours away from home and clean the house and take care of the kids in the evening, and do everything a stay at home mom does apart from caring for her kids during the day. I feel like it is a luxury for these mom’s to be able to stay at home and then they complain. I understand in a sense, and I have no right to complain either. We just all have to such it up, put on our big girl panties, and learn to be content with what God has given for us.
I do both and while many times I wish I could just stay home with my babies, do fun things all day, make wholesome meals every night, and spend time with my friends who do get to stay home, I can also see how it could really wear a person down. At least at work I get paid for the hardwork I’m putting in. It really is a nice break in its own way to just have one on one interactions with other adults without a little one crying or getting into things. It is nice to sit down and just eat lunch and talk to coworkers without first having to prepare a meal that they will probably not want to eat and then have to clean up the mess and feel exhausted beyond the hunger pangs. Everyone has their own struggles. Everyone has hard days. It’s not fair to belittle someone’s frustrations just because they’re different than your own…
I’m so glad you acknowledged that. There have been times I would trade the whole donut shop for peaceful adult conversion 😉
Reading comments to articles like this is starting to make me feel like I should be more grateful and respectful of my lot in life. While I certainly empathise with the writer, my perspective is evolving with time.
Until you have walked in the shoes of a wife and mother that makes the choice to quit her 9-5 job and be a full time homemaker, please don’t call it ‘complaining.’ Yes, it is a privilege to be able to stay at home and take care of the house and kids. It was a hard choice to make, and I have been lucky enough to have a spouse that can provide for the family financially. If you haven’t walked this path, you don’t understand that it is more then just cooking and cleaning. And until you have been in this position, you won’t understand. I give praise to any mom that has to pull double duty and work a 40 hour week and then take care of the home on top of that. I’m sure it’s draining and very hard work. Where is the understanding and compassion for one another? One choice isn’t better then the other, it boils down to what works best for your own family.
Until you have walked in my shoes, please don’t degrade our choice and say we are complaining, because you really don’t get it.
You’re right my friend. I’ve done both, a demanding corp gig and stay-at-home mom. I quit to be a stay-at-home mom and while I love what I do it is FAR more demanding then any full-time job was. I did work hard long hours and come home to take care of my children/home. Nothing relates to being a stay-at-home mom and the constant on the job feeling. No paid holidays/sick/vacation time ZERO no pay, bonuses, etc for a job well done. Plus zero respect from most of the world. Yes, that’s annoying and the lack of respect from other people… oh you’re just a stay at home mom. I’m a fully capable, highly-educated, intelligent woman and to insult me that taking care of my children isn’t a worthy or challenging task is annoying to say the least. So no judging other moms for their choices, I sure as heck don’t. Working moms stay-at-home moms, we all have busy days it’s up to each woman to determine her best place in life.
I’ve done both and there are MANY times when i have longed for my day job back…I got a lunch break. I wasn’t responsible for and thinking for other people every second of every day. Though it didn’t happen often, if I had a migraine or stomach virus I could call in sick. I got to actually leave the house alone. I had more money for little treats here and there, and in general less financial stress with 2 incomes. I tidied the house in the morning and came home to the same tidy house because people weren’t there to mess it up all day.
We have made sacrifices to allow me to stay home because it’s important to us. I love it and wouldn’t have it any other way, but don’t you dare talk about how easy it is because it’s not.
Agreed! Those housewives are making up thdir issues!!!
Women, mothers, can take time off you know. They do have lives outside the home, and while I appreciate the sentiment most modern families have two working parents, not a stay at home wife.
This article is the most on point statement that I as a husband have felt over the years. I have been married to my wife for 14 years and with six wonderful children. I have come home at times and seen that same face. I could not bare staying at home all week, locked in the box of despair because it never ends. I do get to check out of work and come home to that same routine, but I love that routine. The smile on my kids faces and the warm welcomed hugs I receive are a paycheck bonus for me that does not just happen once a year but everyday. Most families that have single income parents, due to childcare cost being out of the roof, find this same resemblance in their own life. I appreciate what she does on a daily basis, I mean for crying out loud, I would not be able to cook a meal without repeating the same thing over every week. I am a creature of habit and sandwiches would be a staple in my kids diet…lol (not really)
Great article and it gave me inspiration to promote her and what she does.
As a husband thank you and I think I understand. Yet I don’t think you have the husband’s perspective quite right. Husband & wife are indeed “in this together”.
While the mother, homemaker is left all alone, the father, “breadwinner” goes to the “jungle” alone. He feels the weight of the week ahead. If he screws up he looses the income. If he screws up all the people depending on him at home and at work are impacted. We appreciate the love she has for us, but it is very important that she respects that he is willing to die for her.
Home is not the same for us. There are challenges that are different from away from home work hours. It is not a respite. The other job (not the same knowledge, skills and abilities) is at hand when he comes home. The home maintenance, outside maintenance, transportation maintenance, household chores, parenting etc. There is a marked finish line for one job, but its the starting line of another. “It is good and lovely and all those things, but it’s also constant, never-ending and exhausting.”
In the doughnut shop, he is on the road trying to promote those donuts. The door is slammed in his face because everybody is trying to promote donuts. The prospects are always trying get more for less. The car breaks down on the way to the next stop. He’s got to figure how to fix it and/or where to get the money. Oh by the way a customer doesn’t like just plain he wants jelly filled and by tomorrow, but he hasn’t paid the last two bills yet. And his wife hasn’t ever filled donuts before. (How does he tell to add jelly?)
When he gets home the kids are on strike, the doughnut fryer is broken and he can’t meet payroll this week, and a customer tripped over the threshold and got hurt. He sees his reflection in the window as he walks toward his wife. Your slouching, your hip hurts, what’s left of your hair is gray and you look like you went a few rounds with Ali. But tomorrow it starts all over again. Buck it up people are depending on you.
There are some things you can do to help.
• Write him a note and leave it in his briefcase or lunch box.
• Call and check on him
• Pray for him. Let him hear you
• Write out Scripture passages and leave them on the fridge.
• Make it a habit to ask, “What’s one thing I could do to help you
tonight?”
• etc.
We are indeed in this together…… There are two sides to the same coin.
Good to read this too
That was a very good response. You bring up some great points. I have experienced being a working mother outside of the home, working from home while taking care of my own children, and finally now not working at home and caring for my children. All of them are difficult in their own right, but my husband’s role and the weight he carries are equally difficult. I am incredibly blessed that he pitches in with housework every once in a while, and I always make a point to make sure he gets some relaxation time in too. It’s about each person making sure the other is taken care of.
Yea, imagine doing all of that and working too. Single moms handle it in stride because we have to. Staying at home is a choice for some. A choice that I would have gladly taken had I had that choice. Quit bemoaning the stay at home mom and her choice. It’s insulting to the rest of us.
I respectfully ask you to consider the fact that you possibly missed the point of the article.
I have been both. Working and stay at home mom. They both present challenges to be respectful of. Nobody has a right to imply their life is so much more difficult than another’s without having walked in their particular shoes on their specific path. Being disrespectful and critical of somebody’s pain because you feel your pain is worse does not make their pain less. Pain and struggles are all relative. The hardest thing every person has ever had to endure rightfully earns a place as a struggle for them. Not only should we not compare ourselves to others, we should also not BE compared BY others.
A single working mom may resent somebody’s “greener grass” on the other side of the fence, but they may not fully understand what went in to that grass to keep it that way.
Consider an illustration:
How much nicer to tell the neighbor that all their hard work is paying off and noticed when you see their lawn, bring them a cool refreshing “beverage” (compliment or encouragement) rather than, when you see them working and feeling tired in the sun noticing its their own fault for working during the hot part of the day, they made that choice, and grumbling about your own weeds and how if you had the whole day to work in your lawn YOUR grass could be JUST AS green! Therefor diminishing their efforts to mere circumstance.
I read this article and was truly touched at the heart to see the feelings in my heart written out by another person whom i have never met. What a strengthening and encouraging reminder that our struggles are not only ours, but shared by many others. Something that you possibly cant put into words yourself, so plainly put into words for you.
Im sorry you felt disrespected by this article, but i imagine there is another large chunk of people who felt, possibly for the first time, like they have been “heard” for the first time and truly “respected” b/c of it.
Maybe you could read it again and see it in another light. Or not. I hope your struggle decreases with time and your feeling of worth and appreciation increases as it does.
Beautiful. Thank you for all of that. I loved your grass is greener analogy–we certainly should all support one another!
Absolutely! Tired of hearing the “plight” of the stay at home mom.
Maybe you could just understand as I do that it can be trying on both sides. While my staying at home is a choice, it comes with many sacrifices. Be respectful. Write your own article on the working mom. I’ve done that job too, its hard! Don’t be ugly and dismiss someone else’s feelings. You don’t know that their situation is the same as yours might be. It isn’t all sunshine and rainbows like you may think.
You single mothers are the heroes! God bless you! That is a heavy weight to carry and I hope you have the support system that you need.
Thank you. I’m knee deep, with three under three. I’m battling PPD and trying desperately to navigate this stay at home mom life. I’d want it no other way, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy.
This is a wonderful piece and written so well and thoughtfully. It says so much about you, the writer; your caring and your passions. This article is not just about mothers or young mothers. It also applies to older women who no longer have children at home. The older women who don’t have paying jobs (some due to health problems) whose husbands go off to work every Monday morning are sad on Sundays too. They have to somehow balance loneliness (especially those with health problems — from a relatively young woman to older) and missing their husbands with all else in daily life. Some have somewhat extreme sadness but find ways to go on; ways to sustain themselves until he arrives home again. The young women / mothers you write about will not always be young nor active as mothers yet will face challenges; sometimes many. Thank you for such beautifully insightful writing.
Love this
A bit sappy, but true, especially when I let victim mode take over. Yep, it was like this when I felt I was a victim of circumstance. To shake myself out of it one day I remindef myself that I chose this! I am the queen of my castle and I get to decide when and where and how and whom. If I want to take a break, I take a break. Now I work part time. If victim mentality sets in I feel sad too! It’s the mentality that makes the difference. For me it’s when I feel I don’t have choices that brings the gloom. Even though I need to work,it’s a choice and I have a right to control my own destiny. I’m the queen of my castle. It’s a happy place! Hang in there mom’s!
I don’t think this piece was sappy nor accentuating a victim mentality. Even if some of us are sad in this way doesn’t mean that we are victims. Rather, the sadness is a component of how much we truly love our husbands and wish we could spend more time with them. Also, if there are health problems in the mix there is more emotional strength needed to deal with the sadness we are discussing. While this emotional strength can be dredged up, and is in my part, it must be sought often and can be less than easy to do. We must seek more reasons to be pleased with ourselves and our lives. And, all is not sad. Most of us, in reality, have happy elements for which we should be thankful. I am definitely thankful for all of my blessings.
Five kids, worked full time while I only had the 3. Going back to work sometimes before I was ready. working part time after I had my 4th. Now I am a stay at home mom. Everyone is a critic unless they go through it. Yes being home with our kids is great. We are lucky we can do that. BUT we don’t check out and if you do, thank your partner or whoever helps out. Being a sahm is 100% harder than working and coming home to do everything. I get zero help. Dad comes home he is done because he works all day…..sleep? He has to sleep because he has to work the next day. Some night’s I’m up every hour with one of the kids, nursing or cuddling to sleep. Then up and getting everyone ready before 5am. Often times drinking a cold coffee. When I worked I got everyone ready, dropped them off at the sitter/daycare and left. Had a quiet ride to work I could think or not think whichever I felt. Then went to ‘work’, talked to other adults, could go to the bathroom without people climbing on me, I got to eat my lunch by myself…I actually got to eat something! When I was done ‘work’ I got to get back into my quiet car without lifting and strapping anyone in and drive….I got to my kids t hhad ey were actually excited to see me. I went home to a house that was not being destroyed over and over because no one was home. No dishes in the sink because we were all gone. Then my mother duties started. And we all go to bed and do it all over again the next day. Being a sahm mom you are a maid all day, a cook all day, you are the teacher, activity director, you don’t get showerz, it’s hard to keep up with everything because once you get one thing done you turn around to something else destroyed. The kids need something all the time your brain can’t stop. You don’t get daily showers. You don’t get to eat when you are hungry. Shopping is a chore and a half. And it doesn’t stop its an endless cycle. And everyone likes to say I worked all day, or I went to school all day. So you are stuck doing everything. As I’m sitting here listening to my other half complaining because Ii didn’t get him his breakfast at the store that I would have had to walk to because our car is broken.
This is a great and true article. But let me share from a husband perspective. When the husband does all those things the best he can (obviously not perfectly) he too needs to be showed he’s appreciated. Yes, the wife is home all day and cleans, cooks, nurtures the children, etc., and I as a husband am grateful for that. But when a husband isn’t showed appreciation after all he can do-yes, and I do mean sex-it also puts a burden on him. I feel a lot is also expected out of a husband. Valentines and other holidays always seem to be marketed towards “guys, get your women this and that” and hardly never seems to go the other way around. When a husband receives real intimate sex from his wife for all he does more than maybe once every other week without him mostly trying to initiate it, he will continue to do those things the wife needs. A few minutes of once in a while initiated from the wife intimate sex a couple times a week keeps him charged to do those things, and WANT to do those things for his wife. I love my wife and women for all they do!
If I read this comment a year ago, I would think you are a turd. But I completely agree. We’ve had the best sex in the last 6 months than our whole almost 15 year marriage combined. I had a paradigm shift around sex where I realized that I’m the one who wants it. Not just doing it out of duty. Resentments, and feeling alone in my parenting got in the way of me embracing my sexuality. My husband is a new surgeon, and the road to get here is a long brutal one. But I wished I would have realized this sooner. Most the hurt, lack of connection, and lack of help I experienced for years has mostly been solved by intimacy. The more I give, the more he wants to give. It is a beautiful thing.
I liked Bri’s comment below which is so important. She wanted sex. Being a SAHM can give you a blow to the self esteem as kudos are not given as often as in the workplace, and saying alright job done- doesn’t happen. It can also be hard to move from $ earner to SAHM status. You botbhaib deserve sex, you both work hard, I would avoid framing sex talk as “please initiate “wife” for all my hard work” Because you looove her, she may feel like a prostitute! Not a street corner girl but that she has another chore on her chore board. Sex drives vary and women with young kids, especially SAHM can get caught in the low drive. Make her want you man!! So if a man has to be romantic, give a leading massage, it’s going to benefit you both. Your both stressed! Nothing like a a good orgasm for relief! Good luck to you both!
-from a SAHM who loves her nights with hubby
-P.S. the vasectomy really helped kick start stuff for us, worry free sex!
So true. Intimacy is fundamental to a healthy relationship, and it’s amazing all the things a healthy sex life can fix. That’s because you can’t have a healthy sex life unless the rest of your relationship is also in balance, but what women don’t often realize is that by focusing on sex first, the rest often follows.
This made me bawl and we don’t even have kids yet. I got married last summer and moved to a tiny town, leaving behind my job, all family and friends, my church and pretty much everything and everyone I knew. Now I’m currently a stay at home wife who does some office work from home.
People laugh and say I have it easy since I’m childless but it still isn’t “easy”. Some days it is pretty darn hard especially when you are running on a tight budget, and I see myself in this article already.
I didn’t know childless women were allowed to feel this way so I’ve stuffed it all in, but this post made me break down.
Now trying doing all that and working a full time job too because one income isn’t enough to cover your bills. You work all day and come home to everything needing done at once. Dinner, laundry, dishes all waiting on you and good luck getting to the dusting, sweeping or moping. Your already exhausted from working all day and just want to sit down for a bit but you come home to your second job which you don’t have time to do all in one day so your weekends end up being your “catchup” day. You catch up the laundry, and catch up the sweeping, and catch-up the grocery shopping” and before you know it your weekend is gone. Then you cry on Sunday because you realize another weekend was wasted trying to do the impossible because you’ll never be caught up, another weekend you didn’t get to spend with you family and kids because you had so much to do. Then you realize it is going to start all over again the next day. No “me” time, no family time. If you think being a stay at home m is so hard, try being a working mom. You’ll fast realize just how lucky you are to get to stay home and concentrate on just having a nice home for your family instead of being upset with yourself because you can’t do it all but you have to. You have to give 100% of yourself at your job Monday thru Saturday then 100% at home, at church, with your kids, give 100% to your husband. Working moms have a couple hours of an evening to do what you have all day to get done. Plus we have to fight to make it to school functions, stay home with sick kids, worry about finding the right babysitter, getting off in time to pick them up. You need to stop and look around. Stay at home moms have it made and don’t even realize just how lucky they are.
Stay at home moms have it made and don’t realize just how lucky they have it? Where in the article did it say that we don’t realize how great we have it? And how in the world do you think your comment makes us lucky stay-at-home moms feel any better about the rough days when we are ready to tear our hair out? Guilty, that’s how. Guilty that we don’t appreciate every second that we get to spend breaking the kids up from a fight, guilty that we don’t appreciate that even though we are sick with the exact same bronchitis that our kids have, we still have to get up, take everyone to the doctor, and deal with sick kids because we certainly can’t send them to school, even though we are sick ourselves and would like nothing more than to curl up in a ball and sleep. Guilty that we don’t appreciate how lucky we are that we get to make another meal that will get two bites taken out of it. Guilty that we don’t appreciate the moments when we run errands all day long and just when we finally get to sit down, a diaper needs to be changed, a child needs help with a math problem, a kid wants their favorite Dr. Seuss book read to them for the fifth time that day.
Yes, I love that I get to be a stay-at-home mom and not every day is like the ones I described above. But just because I am happy to be a stay at home mom doesn’t mean we don’t struggle with bills. We just know that if I went to work, most of one of our paychecks would likely go to paying for someone else to raise our kids. That’s not worth it to us, so we struggle some months. We don’t go on exotic vacations. Our kids wear hand me down clothes. We don’t have a cell phone- I’m always home, so it’s not like I can’t be reached.
Would you like it if I told you that you don’t know how lucky you have it? That you are so lucky because you get to have adult conversations on a daily basis? That you are lucky because you hopefully don’t have someone walk in on you when you are going to the bathroom? That you are so lucky because when you have your lunch break, you can sit down and eat with no interruptions? That you have no idea how lucky you are and that you shouldn’t read articles about how stay at home moms feel if you have nothing nice to say about it afterwards No? You don’t like me making assumptions about how your work day goes and tell you when you can and can’t complain about it? Well guess what? I don’t like you making assumptions about my work day, either.
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But just because I love being at home with my kids doesn’t mean I don’t get exhausted. It doesn’t mean I don’t get sick of my kids once in awhile and need an escape. And needing that escape does not make me a bad, neglectful, ungrateful mother. It makes me normal.
The fact that you think all a stay-at-home mom entails is concentrating on just providing a nice home for your family is so deluded and so messed up. It is so much more than that and the point the article was trying to make, which you so obviously missed in your self-righteous hissy fit was that stay-at-home moms don’t feel like they are providing that nice home, because it never ends. If it was a nice, perfect home, we could just quit. But we never feel like we are doing enough, and I have to say, your comment only adds to those feelings of inadequacy.
I am sure your job is very, very challenging, and I admire you for all you do. But I don’t think it’s helpful to compare. I have two siblings, and neither one of them can have children. They would read your comment and say, “How dare she complain about being a mother. She has no idea how lucky she is.” But of course you are not complaining. You are just saying that life is hard. Parenting is hard. Do some have it harder than others? Of course. But our struggles are not invalid just because someone else has it worse. We live in America. Someone will ALWAYS have it worse somewhere else. This article was not about that. It was about helping husbands understand how their own wife might feel on a Sunday night (whether she works away from home or not). It sounds like it explains how you feel, too, and I am grateful that the people in your life can rad this and understand you a little better.
Here! Here!
I appreciate you article very much. I was a SAHM and a working mom through the years. Now I am retired and my children are grown and have kids of their own. I am home most days and I keep busy, there is still much to do but when my husband comes home from work we eat dinner, I clean up and that is that. My day is done the rest can wait until tomorrow. I enjoy my evenings and If any young moms can do that as well I suggest they do or at least try or maybe just some evenings they sit down and let the rest go. It does get better, hang in there!
It’s a good reminder, Mary Jane, that seasons change. Thank you for your perspective.
When I read this article I cried. I felt so connected and understood. Thank you!
It’s amazing to me what lengths some stay-at-home moms will go to justify their blogging and Facebook obsessions.
Wait… what’s that sound…? I can hear women with real obstacles from 100 years ago collectively laughing at you all.
I’m guessing Kristin Glover’s only exposure to life outside of the Lower 48 consists of international version of House Hunters and Love It or List It.
Women 100 years ago certainly had a harder life than modern women, in some ways. But in other ways, they had more support. Hard is hard, and just because one person has it harder than another does not nullify the reality of the challenges we all face. If you have a bad sinus infection, I would not tell you that it doesn’t hurt (or shouldn’t hurt) just because someone else has cancer. Is their hard harder? Yes. But your hard is still hard and worthy of empathy and compassion from those who understand.
This article is not about comparing present day stay-at-home moms with those from a century ago, nor is it about comparing “first world problems” to third world struggles. It is meant to help other women who feel overwhelmed by their duties at home know that they are not alone. It is also to help the men in their lives understand that the sadness their wives feel at times is not necessarily about the quality of their relationship, or ingratitude for the effort a thoughtful husband puts into to trying to ease his wife’s burdens, but more to do with the pressure we put on ourselves to do our job right. Of course we know how good we have it! Even knowing this, though, can make us feel guilty for being exhausted at the end of a long day, or for feeling like we need a break. “What right have we to complain?” we ask ourselves. We chose our lives and we love our families and our homes. But even though we live with so many modern conveniences and ease of life compared to other times and places, we still can feel overwhelmed in a society that constantly portrays perfection in the home through magazines, TV programs, movies, etc. at a level we can never hope to achieve. And even though most people don’t expect us to be perfect in real life, we sometimes get caught up in expecting it of ourselves, and lose sight of what we are doing right. I think this article puts into words what many moms feel, but cannot put into words ourselves. It is important to understand what we are feeling in order to be able to address those feelings. I, for one, feel that Ms. Glover is very much in tune with the inner struggle modern American mothers have between feeling we should be happy, singing Disney princess moms, and the reality that motherhood, though infinitely rewarding, is also hard work.
Yes! Thank you! I very often find myself feeling guilty for wanting to escape to a “real” job when home is overwhelming. It is hard to put into words but this was beautifully written and conveys exactly how I feel at times. Even tho I chose to stay home and raise our babies. It’s hard hard work, man.
Donald, you’re divorced aren’t you? If not, you probably should be, or your wife should knock you out. Don’t trash talk women. They get enough of that from society. I’m sure you have issues you think are hard and difficult and that you want others to listen to as well. In fact, you were probably complaining about something today. Chill out!
Man, I appreciate my wife. We’ve been married for 14 years. It took me too long to realize I needed to tell her every day how much I appreciate her, that’s she’s beautiful, that I love her and that she is already enough. I can promise I won’t ever waste another day. The women in our lives are too important. They deserve nothing less than the very best we can give every day.
Kurt, I love your comments about your wife. Thank you for loving her well!
something to the effect: “The Controller has finally told us that the file was stored at an off-site storage facility and was eaten by rats (or maybe it was that rats made their nest in the file – I can’t recall exactly which). We were requested to send the Controller a copy of our files for his reference. We have done so. We believe that the case will be granted soon.” The case did grant soon thereafter, I recall.
I am very lucky I still have my grandmother here to talk to about such things. We have this conversation a lot. She grew up in Scotland as a coal miners daughter during WWII. She tells me she doesnt know how mothers do it these days, there are so many influences coming from outside the home and now with internet they are coming from inside. It’s like there is no rest. She told me she sees women today much more burnt out then in her day because it’s seems like life can’t be shut off.
Then there’s the reality that most women do not live near their families and there is a loss of a sense of community. Very few people like to help each other anymore. No like in her day where you could go to a neighbor, whom you were friends with and talk to them, have them watch your children for a minute to run to the grocery store or just hang out and chat for a bit. Loosing that sense of community has a major impact on mothers. It’s not that it’s harder, it’s that it’s become isolating.
I love the perspective your grandmother offers. I think this is why comparing our hard to the hard of others is foolish. We need to be about building each other up and supporting one another. A challenging job is even more challenging without a community.
You know what I decided to do the day before I read this? Treat my motherhood more like a job. I start at 7 and end at 7, when the kids wake and go to bed. If stuff isn’t done, so be it. Do it tomorrow. It’s actually helping me be a bit more objective and creative about my job. I get to unwind. I feel it’s less imperative and more of a choice. Most of all, I don’t feel so defined by being a SAHM. I have a job, and I want to impress my coworker and my boss above.
That’s a great idea, Rebecca. I think building a little margin into our lives is a very good thing.
Thank you so much. This helped me so much to understand where she is in her head. As the working husband and military, I have deployed several times, so compound your message because when deployed those “sundays” are VERY far apart.
Thanks so much for your kind reply, Jason. We are a military family as well, and deployments bring a whole new set of challenges. Not to mention training days, field exercises, working weekends…it goes on and on. Thank you for working hard for your wife, your family, and your country.
I work outside the home and then come home to work at home a well. I’ve never been a stay at home wife/mom, yet this article still resonated loudly to me. My husband is such a blessing in my life and he really does help in the home. I think what I need for myself is to be ok when some things are left undone, to receive some gratitude every once in a while for juggling ALL I have to do and to have grace on myself for those Sundays when the laundry isn’t done, the lesson planning didn’t get finished and all I want is to veg out!!! I shared your link with my 3 bestest friends. We all cried when we read it and we’re all in different stages of our marriages and motherhood. Thank you for writing this!
Thank you so much for your sweet comment, Anjee. I think you are exactly right–we all need to be content to leave some things undone. It’s hard to do, but so necessary! Otherwise we will always be striving and never really enjoying the family we have.
This had me crying before the end of the first paragraph. This is ME. HUGS.
Hugs back at ya, Carol.
I understand where you’re coming from, and having lots of little children is truly exhausting! But I see two issues here: first, are we as women simply piling on too many obligations? It’s so important that you CAN rest at home. Whose expectations are we truly fulfilling by running ourselves ragged? Sometimes we need to step back and see what’s genuinely important during a season and what we can let go or get help with. It does no one in the family any good if Mom is exhausted, burned-out, and feeling martyred at the altar of motherhood. We need to be able to work very hard and in a focused way for as much of the day as possible, managing our time and resources skillfully, but we also need to give ourselves explicit and unapologetic permission to *REST.* (If all else fails…Netflix a good show for those littles for a little while! Every day, if need be! ;)) Too many women, even stay-at-home mothers, are burdening themselves with too much. Give yourself grace to leave some things undone, or to accept that in this season of life, the basics are the best you can do, and that will change as the children age.
Second, I don’t think it’s fair to shift the burden of domestic relief and our happiness onto our husbands. Sure, it’s good to have an extra pair of hands around the house to help wrangle children and pick up dishes, but we need to take responsibility for our own happiness level. I encourage any Christian who is feeling burned out to open the Bible. There’s so much encouragement in it for all of us who are weary. Galatians 6:9 immediately pops into my mind, but there are so many more verses that are helpful. If that doesn’t help, we need to take practical steps to manage our issues–whether those are organizational, domestic, time management, emotional, etc. There are men who excel at encouraging their wives in these small ways, but there are some men who do not. Some men show their support and love by diligently working (I know you mention this). If a man is not a wordsmith or naturally inclined to words of encouragement, it’s probably unfair to expect him to work all day, help out around the house in the evening, *and* provide encouragement (or take the initiative to help his wife relax). We are all human, with human limitations, and if we as wives and mothers are hitting our own human limitations, we need to figure out how to make things better. I just think shifting the burden of this to our husbands is not empowering US to figure out what’s working and what doesn’t work. We also live in our homes each day and have the ability to look around to see what’s really a problem–and then figure out how to change it. If our husbands can help with that (perhaps by hiring a housekeeper or mother’s helper, or giving us three hours of freedom outside the house on a Sunday afternoon, or whatever–I’ve done all of those things, although never during the same season!!), then we communicate and brainstorm to figure out what will work best. During one season of life, it was best for me to get together with my best friend once a week. We let our children play, play, play (and yes, make messes, messes, messes) while we drank tea and talked. Literally all day, from 10-5 pm. That season is long gone for me now, and it meant a full day without housework, but it was downright therapeutic for both of us in that baby/toddler stage.
Remember Matthew 11:28. Jesus knows we will be weary in this life, and He calls us to Him for our rest.
As a male whose wife is a stay at home mom who suffers from this type of feelings, I ask for prayers. While I understand this mindset, as a male it is a huge blow to the my heart when I work my tail off so my wife can stay home. When I get home, I work trying to give my wife a break and take care of the kids’ needs. I leave notes, text, and stop on my way home for flowers…and my wife is still sad. As a male, we are wired to fix it…and I feel powerless. I hope many mom’s can find this article comforting knowing that you are not alone, and you are not weird to feel this sadness. But I urge you to please keep the husbands who feel “not good enough”, in your thoughts and prayers.
I absolutely will pray. I don’t mean to presume, but I wonder if something else is going on with your wife. For many years, I struggled with depression. Our first child was not planned. We were in seminary, and I had other things I wanted to do before being a mother. I was angry and resentful. I also struggle with severe pre- and postpartum depression, and it took a long time for my body to regulate again, and once it did, I felt a tremendous amount of guilt for the way I had felt about my daughter and the plans God had for me. I felt like a wretch.
I don’t know your wife, but I know myself during that time, and my husband actually told me he felt like he could never do enough for me. And he was right. That’s because it wasn’t really about him. He could have been perfect and I still would have been angry. He was just closer to me than God so I could take it out on him.
I don’t know if this article will resonate with your wife at all, but this is some of the story: http://kristenanneglover.com/100-beautiful-days-of-motherhood-faith-12/
Follow it with this one: http://kristenanneglover.com/tag/miscarriage/
If she wants to write to me to talk about anything she’s going through, please pass on my e-mail, Kristen@fiveintow.com. I’d be happy to send her my phone number too if she thinks I might understand. And I will be praying for you. May God give you the strength to continue to love and serve your wife well, and my He be your sufficiency.
Wow. As I was reading this, I asked myself, “Who’s sad on Sunday?” I was puzzled, of course partly because you waited to reveal the answer, but also because I never did feel sad on Sunday.
Then I read the rest. Well, of course.
I have a husband who did the things you recommended. I was not sad on Sunday. I think the best thing we did was for him to pop corn (for our SUPPER) and run a family friendly movie every Friday night for our whole lives. Friday was our fun night. We home-educated our kids and even they felt the excitement, getting their schoolwork finished in a more timely manner, etc. We all piled onto and around the master bed and watched the screen at the foot of it. Hilarious or religious or classical or touching stuff we all shared. Sometimes we forewent the movie and played games. Sometimes we invited friends to join us in the games. But always, I did not cook and we goofed off. Every. Friday. I could just, as you said, “be in my own house” and since it was house cleaning day, it really was great even to be there! Haha.
Thanks for seeing this. And for sharing it.
Oh, and he also left me little notes of appreciation, apology (if needed), Scriptures, etc. And I’d like to add that once a year he encouraged me to go to a friend’s house, who held a craft event there. I did almost all the same chores as always, helping her in the kitchen, but it was a 2-day event just me and the gals. He did not understand it, but he could tell the difference. Heh heh.
Thanks, again! xoxo
I love this so much, Katharine. The ways your husband encouraged you are worth the read for every husband who needs more ideas. This is fantastic.
You would never, ever cut it as a working Mom let alone a single working Mom–I have done both and am still a working Mom. You should stop with the entitled, complaining attitude and be grateful. You chose to have children and to be married–no one forced these things upon you. I assure you neither of my “jobs” ever end and I do double the work in a quarter of the time at my home. You millennial Moms need to stop this constant complaining and sense of entitlement.
Mary, I’m thankful this article does not apply to you. It seems you do not struggle with the same kinds of things many women struggle with, working or not (because you have assumed that I am not a working mom, which is not true). And that is a gift. That means you are better able to help other women who might be struggling. It is my belief that we’re all in this together, and we all have struggles as wives, mothers, and women. But we also have something to share. Those of us who are stronger in some areas can help those who are weaker. That is why the Bible encourages older women to help the younger women. You might have organizational skills you can share with a new wife, or maybe you can befriend a “millennial mom” and help her during the busy season of young motherhood. I’m sure there are many ways you can share the things you’ve learned to encourage others who might not be so far along the journey.
Great reply. Very kind.
I think Mary probably struggles with a lot more than you could ever imagine, coming from a working mom who struggles every day. When my husband comes home, I leave for work, after doing everything you did all day. Count your blessings.
Rhonda, I agree. Both you and Mary have it much harder than I do, at least at the moment. Many women have it harder than both of you. My mom lost her husband when I was young, and raised three kids on her own. That is harder. But that doesn’t mean that parts of your life are not challenging and worthy of compassion and understanding. Being a woman is not a competition, and this post was in no way trying to communicate that the life of a SAHM is the hardest life of anyone. Hard is still hard, and for married couples, it is very important that they understand and empathize with the unique struggles of their spouse. This post was written to try to do just that, to help husbands to better understand how their wife might process things different than they do so they don’t feel like they are never enough, can’t make her happy, etc.
I like how you say, ” hard is still hard.” And you are right, it isn’t a competition. Having it brought to our attention that there are people worse off, with harder lives, only makes us feel guilty for having the audacity of having occasional negative feelings. It’s the whole “there are starving children in China who would be grateful for those beets” mentality. Knowing that doesn’t change the fact that I will still feel like throwing up if you force those nasty beets on me! I have been in both situations–stay-at-home-mom and working mom. Both have unique struggles, but as women, it is important for us to respect each others’ feelings without accusations and derision. And this is not coming from a Millenial. I became a mother in 1987, and wrestled with these feelings on and off even until now, with only one child left at home.
Wow, what a gracious response to such a nasty comment. Kudos to you, Kristen!
Mary seems to be quite confused as to what “double” the work means. When a mother chooses to leave her children in the care of another, M-F, from 8-5 (oftentimes earlier to later), she can no longer claim to be doing the job of a mother during those hours. It is impossible. She is doing a completely different job. She is not in the presence of her children and is therefore not doing anything to care for/feed/teach/clean them. She is paying someone else to do so. I think my point here is that sacrifices are always made when we choose to spend our time. Working mothers have to squeeze their home duties into smaller chunks of time, yes. But that is their choice. And they are doing only a fraction of the mothering their stay-at-home counterparts are doing. So it’s completely inaccurate to call it “double” work. It’s better to think of it as a fraction. Mothers who work at a job outside the home spend (for example) 70% of their day as a college professor, and 30% of their day as a mother/all the other duties that entails. Mothers who eschew formal/paid labor are mothers 100% of the time.
It is not always a choice to work or stay home, unless you find welfare a viable option. And consider that parents who have to work only have a few hours to parent, and that might require undoing whatever the children are picking up outside the home. You might want to check your judgments at the door and stop hailing yourself as a better mother, because that’s really all your comment is doing. You have the opportunity to do something many would love to do but simply cannot. See it as a gift, not as a superior choice.
There was no judgment. Just stating the facts that working mothers are not doing the job of mothering/homemaking while they are at their other job…pretty obvious.
Did you not chose this lifestyle? So now that you’ve chosen it you don’t like it? So your husband should just stay at home on Monday, quit his job, and then what? You’ll just eat grass? This is one of the most selfish articles I have ever read. You got the life you wanted, everything paid for by a spouse, little clones you can play with, staying in your pj’s all day…. but no that’s not enough. You have to tell the world that the life you wanted and now have isn’t working for you. Wow, entitled much?
I think I have actually stood in-front of my mirror and said those exact words to myself before.
Didn’t help.
Now I’m not sure if you are typing out your own self thoughts…or actually trying to speak to the women & men (because it’s only a matter of time a stay at home dad joins in) on this page of whom you know NOTHING about. Nothing about the whys, hows, special circumstances, and decisions that brought them there.
Either way- feel free to read my post below which states how I got out of that state in-front of my mirror. It’s a good example of reaching out to others and trying to encourage, rather than bring further down.
If you don’t relate, I’d love to hear what struggles you do have in life…maybe someone here can help YOU. That’s kind of what these forums are for- help, support, mature conversation.
#startwiththemaninthemirror
You should’ve listened to that voice that probably told you, this was unkind, and lacking in empathy. Well, unless you didn’t have that voice, in which case you are probably that self absorbed, that you lack the ability to see the sadness in the words written. If it’s the first, next time listen, if it’s the second….well you are to be pittied greatly. I am a mother of 4 lovely children, I also work OUTSIDE of the home, and yet my work INSIDE my doors can be much more challenging….lonely. All I can think, Lord thank you that you have given me a husband witth a wonderful heart that does all these things suggested in this article, and friends from all walks of life that have the ability to hear my pain without judging, and lastly, and I am so sorry to say, that none have the heart that you do.
And to the author: please don’t let comments like these stop you from reaching those of us that are deeply moved by your words. Thank you!
Maria, I think you’ve said something that many of us can resonate with: the work inside the home is often lonelier than the work outside the home. It is not that we moms are ungrateful or unhappy. It’s just that the rewards of motherhood and homemaking are years in the making. The reward is amazing, though!
Little clones I can play with…that made me laugh out loud, literally!
I don’t know anyone who is constantly deliriously happy with their jobs. Working people are allowed to struggle with getting up and going to work every day, working people are allowed to vent about the things they struggle with at their jobs. Stay at home moms/wives have for decades been advised how to make life better and more relaxing at home for their tired husbands. Working moms are allowed to talk about the difficulty balancing work and home.
Did not those people choose those lives too? Why is it only the stay at home mom that is supposed to always love everything about her life? Why is the stay at home mom supposed to never be tired, never complain, never be unhappy with any aspect of their lives?
EVERY PERSON struggles at some point with some aspect if their lives, and that they are able to occasionally talk about with others is a good thing, and to have a spouse that understands only improves marriages and lived— the husband who goes to work every day deserves a wife who tries to make his home his haven, and the stay at home mom deserves a husband who trues to make her home her haven as well.
And stay in their pjs all day????? LOL none that I know.
This is a good point: no one is completely satisfied with their work. We all have struggles in one way or another. In a marriage, it’s important for both the husband and the wife to listen, support, and encourage their spouse in the hard parts about their day. That’s just what love does.
I am so incredibly thankful I do not relate to this post……anymore.
I used to for sure, or I have gone through phases of it. It took some balancing, shifting, A LOT of communicating. Overall though, I was putting WAY more expectation on myself, assuming a lot, and holding it all in. My husband is just as happy with or without the elaborate dinners and Pinterest perfect house. He just NEEDED, not wanted, NEEDED a happy home. He has always been an incredible husband, doubly so as a father..but in letting out all I wanted to get done and all I thought needed to be done in the home- we both came to terms with all the unsaid mess in our heads.
Let it go ladies, you are ENOUGH.
I shifted through every level of this as a working new wife, new mom, stay at home mom, then of two, back to work, nope we have to move across country now, stay at home again, back to work, now owning two businesses and full time school between all levels. I promise you I couldn’t have done any of it alone, and if you take a step back and look- HOPEFULLY you aren’t either. (if you are- do something about it..seriously you won’t last that way!)
Sheila, communication is so important. That’s one of the reasons I wrote this article. My hope is that husbands and wives can understand each other a little better and become stronger for it. I’m glad you’ve found what has worked for you!
What a great post Kristen. Describes a woman’s heart. Thank you from all the moms out there and for all the husbands and fathers that read this. <3
Cate B
Thank you, Cate!
You know, this is also true for working mom’s, who rush off to work and rush home to have to do all of the tasks that every other mother has to do. My preacher’s wife hugged me right this week and I just wanted to collapse. I am so tired. But no time for tears: house to clean, people to feed, children to tend, work to do. The work of womanhood is just never ending.
It’s so true, Christa. I used to be a working mom, and it’s a whole different kind of busy, that’s for sure, and I think part of what makes it so tiring is that you STILL feel like the housework reflects on you more than anyone else. You feel even more like you can’t do anything well, or that you’re never done. But I pray that you can find some rest, even if it’s just a moment to enjoy something you used to do. You need that!
This article has made a huge impact on me in a way I cannot put into words. I kept feeling it’s me, I fail every day, these thoughts are why I cannot overcome my depression. This article has opened the heavens for me. Thank you
Alicia, I wish I could give you a big hug in person. You are not alone, and you are not a failure. We all struggle with these same things, but most of us feel like we’re the only one who’s not doing this wife and mom thing very well, so we don’t talk about it. I hope you feel surrounded today by a whole group of women who understand and value who you are as a homemaker, and what you do every day.
Yes!! It’s comforting to see you are not alone.
This is true not only for stay at home moms of littles but also for empty nesters who’ve chosen to remain home as stay-at-home-caregivers.
Very true!
Just this morning my husband asked me if I was ok. I started to cry, but was unable to explain what I was feeling. I finally just said I’m sad you’re going to work. My friend posted this article on FB today and it explained so well what I was feeling this morning that I didn’t know how to explain. Thank you! I sent it to my husband at work and hope he reads it. Being a SAHM is so incredibly hard and I often lack fulfillment. I struggle to know how to entertain them all day every day. The constant cleaning. What seems like no one notices the work you do. It’s exhausting and wears on you. Thanks for writing this. It is nice knowing I’m not the only one.
I am thankful that God was able to use these words in your life, Rachelle, and I pray it opens up the door for greater understanding between you and your husband. Sometimes it’s hard for us women to put into words what we feel, because we feel so much so deeply. But it’s amazing how a little understanding and appreciation can help!
Thank you for this awesome article. Having been a stay-at-home mom for 12 years made me bitter because this is exactly how I felt all these years. My husband was in a job that required him to travel. I am also not from this country, so no family anywhere near by to come for a chat or take the kids or to just give me a break. Now that my oldest is 15, I can say that I am done with all of this but actually I am not really. However, I came to the realization that it did get better as they got older. Now, that they are in school and I have time, I started to find a part time job. That gives me a huge mountain of self-esteem. I have a reason to get up and get dressed (nicely dressedn), to shower and fix my hair, to put on make-up and leave the house. When I had the kids, that was a rarety in my household because……well, husband was not here and I was left with the kiddos 24/7 month after month after month. Now he did come home but then he had to go to work and those time he spent home he was catching up with our finances and other stuff that waited for him. I have to admit that I did not enjoy this baby time and being alone a lot with the kids but I knew they needed me and I needed to be there for them, to teach them and to feed them, to care for them, to love them, to hold them when they were sick, to read to them, to take them to the park to laugh with them, to cry with them, to……..just be their mom. God has given me these babies to take care of them and there is no better mom than you and I for our children during this very demanding time. Today, I am still not happy because now I feel like I am neglecting the household front BUT because of my kids ages (15/12/10) they need to pitch in with doing chores every day and help one or two Saturdays a month to clean their rooms and help with other household stuff that didn’t get done during the week. So far so good, even my pre-teen and teenager actually pitchin in without moaning and groaning and sass. I don’t agree with certain things they do, but overall I am a very proud Mama. My main goal is to teach them as much as I can, prepare them for life but most of all to let them know how much I love and I appreciate them. Just think of that, one day, they will be gone and then what? I am scared of that empty nest syndrom already today. Right now, it seems to be still far away but actually it’s not because my oldest will be 18 in ONLY 3 years (only THREE)!!!! That makes my mama heart heavy and sad. Therefore, hang in there, sweet Mama! You CAN do it. It’s hard but trust and believe that God is there right with you.
I keep typing to try to come up with a good response but all I can say is thank you. This article hit me hard and your words helped me realize I’m not alone.
This is so spot on to how I feel these past few months. I have for children 9, 7, 3, and just turned 1. It is exhausting to pick up everything 100 times over and over to the point of wanting to throw it away. It is refreshing to know that we are not alone in our feelings and that someone else is suffering the same circles that you are running as well.
Wow! Eye opener. I know how patients feel after a lobotomy. I pray I can do more for my wife and show more appreciation. Thank you!!
Hi Matt – thank you for behing honest and realizing that you may need to pitch in more. Thank you for reading this article which most men will just dismiss because it’s a woman’s thing. Anyways, thank you and yes, please treasure your wife and your kids.
I have hated being a sahm for 10 years now. I would have been much happier working. I feel like this every single day. And to be completely honest, I am resentful. I hate that my husband leaves me alone with the kids all day. Yes, I know he has to work. Yes, I know the warm house I clean up all the barf in and all the clothes waiting to be folded we only have because he works so hard. I think it’s mostly because we moved to a place I hate for the job he loves and therefore won’t leave. I have no family here, while all my sisters are getting pedicures together and watching each other’s kids.
Jill, I think you are very brave for being honest about how you feel. I firmly believe that being a SAHM is not for everyone. All women do not naturally love being home just by virtue of being women. For some, it is like a death sentence. I personally struggled for years with being a SAHM. I didn’t feel like I was the kind of woman who was cut out for it. I thought God made a mistake when he chose me for this role. It wasn’t until I started pursuing some of my own gifts and interests again that I began to feel alive again.
I don’t know you, but if you were sitting in my living room and we were having coffee, I’d want to give you a big hug and say, “It’s okay to not want to stay home with your kids. It’s okay to feel lonely and disconnected from your community, especially after a big move.”
But it’s not okay to stay there. Something needs to change so you can find the joy in your life again. Is it possible for you to work? Or volunteer in a cause you believe in? I would strongly encourage you to get involved with a group of women so you can start building those kind of deep, sister-relationships even when you are far away from home. As a military wife, I know that no one can ever replace your real family, but they sure can get close. And you need that. You need the kind of girlfriends who can swap kids, go out for lunch, and just talk.
I pray God leads you to the right thing for you and your family.
Yes. Just yes. Perfect response to a mom, whom just like me, was being honest with the difficulties of being a SAHM.
Excellent post!
I love this so much! With my post partum depression, Sunday evenings were the worst.
The one thing I think could change is the Bible verse. To a sad woman on Sunday night, it could be taken as the husband is still looking for an excellent woman and wondering why his wife isn’t one. Or the husband could jot down on the same paper – ‘You are an excellent wife!”
Beautifully said!! I love this! You have a talent, friend.
Thank you, Ashley. May God be glorified!
Thank you for putting so clearly and perfectly into words how it is for a stay-at-home mom! This should be printed into pamphlet form and distributed to all men who have a wife that works at home. I like how you wrote it without any negativity toward men, but with gentle admonition. I love following your blog on Facebook…although sometimes your words convict me! 😉 But, I know you write with a heart for the Lord, and give Him the glory. 🙂
Thank you so much, Carla. I read it to my husband first to make sure it was not derogatory in any way, because that was certainly not my intent. I’m glad it came across in the right way. Thank you for reading and being a part of this community!