• Home
  • About
  • Archives
  • Contact

Kristen Anne Glover

Five in Tow

  • Marriage
  • Parenting
  • Faith
  • Christmas

Keeping No Record of Rights

No record of rights

The first time Jenny came to church, she wore her neediness like an only dress.  You could see where it had been mended over and over again along the same creases, and the places in the hem where pride had been stuffed in to hide the holes.

For five minutes, I loved her with a godly love.  I cared about her burdens, and I carried them.  I took her into my home and sat her on my couch and thought to myself that it didn’t matter what kind of broken she was, I could love her back together again.  It was all very good and terribly Christian.

I’d send her home with a casserole or a hand-me-down for her daughter and all the while, I thought I was sewing her up better than any seamstress she had ever known before.

Then the day came when all the stitches ripped out and the fabric I had tried to save disintegrated in my hands.  It cut me wide open in a way I didn’t know fabric could and I watched all that neediness dissolve into nakedness and all that nakedness reveal a horrible disfigurement that I was vain to think I could cover up with a casserole.

It smacked me hard and I stumbled back.  I loved her…how could she not love me?

“I am not your project!” she had yelled on her way out the door with nothing on.

“Good,” I thought.  “I don’t need a project.”  But I said, “Of course not.  You’re my friend.”

“Really?  We’re peers?”

Well, no…

I paused to think of something sufficiently pious to say, but in that split-second, she opened her mouth and vomited back every good thing I had ever done.  Every bit of my love had been chewed up and churned over until it was unrecognizable.  She spewed the bitter, sour contents of her wrath all over me until it was all out, every single bit of it, and she had nothing left to say.

I stood on my porch dripping in bile and watched her go.

Of course I will forgive her, I thought in the afterglow of my piety.  Even as the words came into my head, it was done.  She was forgiven.  Love keeps no record of wrongs, I reminded myself.

Transactions

I cleaned myself up as best I could, but my heart ached.  I grieved for her, for this person God had brought into my life to love.  Only, she could not receive love.  I had poured it into her, but it did not sink in.  It only sat there and putrefied.

I thought back over all the times I had listened, all the times I had dropped everything and rushed to her rescue, all the nights my husband had to feed the kids because I was feeding hers.  How quickly the list of rights began to mount because I had kept track of them all and I really didn’t think I deserved to be treated the way she had.

I was sure of it.

And oh, I didn’t love her very much right then.

Because just as much as love can’t keep a record of wrongs, it can’t keep a record of rights either.  It cannot be good and godly and gospel while running a tab.

It is the same in ministry as it is in marriage or family or any time you begin to think someone owes you something for your kindness, anytime you begin to feel that someone should behave better because you behaved the way you ought.

Secretly, in the recesses of my heart, I had been keeping accounts.  According to my ledger, she owed me the change I expected to see in her life.   What should have been a work of the Spirit had become a work of my flesh.  I had the receipts to prove it.

Checks and balances

Only it didn’t work.  That kind of love didn’t bind us together.  It wedged a debt between us that became harder and harder to reconcile.

I piled works all around where grace should have been because it was easier.  It was easier to mend her dress than to dwell with her in her nakedness.  She was broken.  She was offensive.

She needed me to cover a bit of that up.

So I thought.

Only, she didn’t need me.  She needed Christ in me.  It’s a fine distinction.  One makes casseroles and expects a transformation in return.

The other is the transformation.

All my right deeds and all my right words could not do that for her.  Only Jesus could do that.  The One who redeems rebels as sons and harlots as brides—that’s what she needed to see in me.  He does it over and over again and tears up the receipt every time.

But I robbed the cross when I wrote up her debt, as if she owed me anything for the goodness I gave out of the grace I had been given.

Payment due

Every time I scribbled my good little deeds into the margins of my Bible, I mared the gospel.  As if I could add anything to the gospel with that kind of love, as if I could earn my way any closer to Christ than through the work He did on the cross.

As if I could secure anyone to Him by indebting them with my self-righteous works.    

The only place for my record of rights is at the foot of the cross, where all my doings are wrapped up in His “Done” and the only thing I know is Jesus Christ and Him crucified.

It is the only record of rights that is truly love, and the only record of rights that will ever be enough. 

Faith 19 Comments

A Broken Heart

Broken Heart

The first time I realized my heart was skipping beats, the night was dark and close.  I had felt that hard, intent thunder in my heart before, but it wasn’t until that night when I was sleeping on my stomach with my arm tucked close to my chest that I felt the nothingness that came where beats should have been.

My heart was stopping.  It was not beating when it should be beating.

I listened and waited.  It did it again, and again.  Each time, it caught itself just in time and shuddered.  My mind raced.  What could be going on?

My husband breathed in and out next to me.  He could sleep because he didn’t know I was dying.  Probably he would feel bad about that in the morning.

I thought about waking him, just to have someone there with me, just to have someone know that my heart—my heart—was broken.  But he had to work the next day and I couldn’t bring myself to wake him up for something I knew was okay.

It was okay.

Everything would be okay.

Then my heart stopped again.  It missed a full beat.  The silence of that beat felt like an eternity.  I waited.  “My heart has stopped!  My heart has stopped!”  my mind screamed.

It is amazing how much panic a brain can cram into the space of a single heartbeat.

Just as suddenly as it stopped, my heart pumped itself back alive again.  The force of it made my shirt jump.  I could see it, even in the monochrome midnight.

Over and over again the cycle repeated, sometimes as often as every other beat.

I breathed in slowly and let the air flow out in measured increments, trying to calm a muscle that seemed to have a mind of its own.  It didn’t make a difference.

Even harder, I tried to control my thoughts.  You are worrying, I reprimanded myself.  You need to pray.  Just pray.”  But the prayers that rose to my lips mingled with frantic, fearful questions.  How do I stop this?  Should I go to the emergency room?  What if I go to the emergency room and nothing is wrong?  What if I don’t go and something is? 

Oh, Kristie, why is it so much easier to worry than to pray?

That night dissolved into fitful sleep.  Over the next few weeks, the heart palpitations came and went.  Some days, I felt almost normal.  Other days, I collapsed into a chair because holding a wild, frantic heart in one’s chest is exhausting.

The doctors are trying to figure out what is going on.  So are my friends.  I have tried every remedy for heart palpitations known to man.  Some seem to be working.

Then it starts again.

Every time I succumb to another episode, I am reminded of how frail I am, and how deceived I’ve been to think otherwise.  Because I can think I have faith until my heart stops beating under the same roof where my babies sleep.  I can be brave and strong in the daylight, but when the darkness comes and my heart is tripping along the fence between life and mortality, fear rushes in where faith should be and I find that I cannot move mountains; these mountains are moving me.

I am shaken.

The truth is, I do not want to settle accounts today.  I have words to say, still, and things to do, and holiness to become, and well, shoot, I thought I’d be better than this before I went.

Even when the sun comes up and nothing more has come of it than another night of little sleep, I do not breathe any easier.  When your heart doesn’t beat half as much as it should, you are twice as thankful when it does, and you wake up knowing that these fragile hours are not to be wasted.

Big ol' broken heart

That’s the kind of clarity that comes from dying.  I am not dying, and yet I am.  Every day, a little more of this offering burns up, and a little less is left to be burned.  And I think of how much smoke I’ve spent on very little sacrifice.

I do not want to spend the remainder of my days, be they many or few, on charades.  I do not want to waste it.

So I traipse off to doctors and get hooked up to all sorts of things that can only begin to plumb the depths of my heart and I try to take a good look at the stuff that doesn’t show up on any of the tests.  I swallow things I was told to swallow and rest the way I was told to rest, and in between I tear down the altars I built thinking I could sacrifice my life the way I wanted to a God who does not ever accept grand achievements as substitute for contrition.

“Some things might have to change,” the doctors tell me, and while they might be referring to my coffee intake and the way I don’t sleep, I choke a little because I wonder if God’s been talking to them the way He’s been talking to me.

This skipping, obstinate heart cannot be allowed to continue to march to its own rhythm.  The doctors know it.  So do I.  I cannot continue to serve myself under the auspices of serving God.  I cannot pretend to pour into my children when I’m really wasting more time than I’m investing.  I cannot minister only when it’s comfortable and I am in control.

I cannot spend any more precious days counting on the strength of my own broken heart.  The beautiful truth is, I have a broken heart.  But the breaking seems to be the very cure I need.

Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

Psalm 73:25-26

Uncategorized 30 Comments

Exploring Carlsbad Caverns

desert

Today, the road to Carlsbad Caverns winds through the Chihuahuan Desert and the Guadalupe Mountains

The year was 1898, although there was little need to know the year or the month or even the hour for a man who had spent his life out in the endless Chihuahuan Desert.  Ever since he was ten years old, he had been a cowboy, preferring to earn a living in the wilderness than an education in a schoolroom.

For six years, the days rolled on almost without distinction.  Stick and wire fences were all that broke up the endless miles of creosote bushes and blazing blue sky.  Mile after mile, day after day, it was the same.

Then one day, the young man looked up from the fence row he was repairing and saw the earth open up.  A black cloud belched out from broken ground and filled the endless blue with shards of night.

He mounted his horse and rode on and on against the sunset until he found himself staring into the very center of the earth.  A deep, greedy black pit hissed cool, dank air across his face.  The black ashes that swirled around in the growing darkness were not ashes at all, but thousands and thousands of Mexican free-tailed bats.

Bat Cave

The natural entrance to Carlsbad Caverns, as it looks today

His name was Jim White, and he was standing face-to-face with the discovery that would change his life forever.  He had found Carlsbad Caverns.

Carlsbad Caverns

The Glovers at Carlsbad Caverns!  Why am I the only one who looks excited?

Night was growing fast, but Jim made up his mind right then and there to come back and see what was inside that hole.  Other people had seen the same thing he had–a gigantic black pit filled with bats that flew out and clouded the desert sky each night–but not one of them ever had the thought to go down into the bat-filled darkness to see what was inside.

Entrance to Carlsbad Caverns

The entrance to Carlsbad Caverns is bright and easy to navigate today. 

But Jim was sixteen, and God gives sixteen-year-old men adventure in their blood and strength  in their bodies to do the things that need to be done to move this world forward.  He was not old enough yet to know the danger of discovery and not wise enough to the value of life to think it might not be worth giving up for a hole in the ground.

So he came back with the tools of his trade: barbed wire, foraged sticks, and a home-made lantern.  Jim worked the wire into a ladder, lit up his lamp, and descended into the darkness.  Even the weak glow of the blue flame could not keep him from seeing the beauty hidden in the cavern.

Carlsbad Caverns

Inside Carlsbad Caverns where grand columns great humble visitors

Massive stalactites, stalagmites, and draperies–words Jim had never even heard before–stood before him in silent tribute to the Artist who had been forming them in secret for thousands of years before any human eye would ever see them.  He wandered farther and father as the cave continued to open into new passages filled with unspeakable wonders.  He was a man among giants.

stalactites

Stalactites in Carlsbad Caverns

Suddenly, Jim’s light went out.  Darkness clapped her hand against his mouth so he could not scream.  The man was a boy again in an instant.  He struggled to breathe in the sudden, frantic realization that he had been swallowed by the earth and could not find his way out.

Slowly, panic gave way to reason and Jim managed to find the extra kerosene he had carried down in a canteen.  He filled his lantern blind, and when the light shone around on the eerie, ancient catacomb again, he fumbled, shaking, for the way out.

Panoramic of Carlsbad

Even with the modern lighting, this panoramic view of Carlsbad Caverns shows that it remains a dark and mysterious place to behold

But he came back time and time again, learning the passage ways by unwinding a spool of yarn behind him so he would not lose his way.  Over time, he brought others to the cave: tourists, scientists, famous adventurers and important men–anyone who wanted to share the wonder with him.

Jim lived above the caves his entire life, always learning, always discovering, always looking deep to see what other secrets the earth held for him.  Even after the caves gained national attention, he stayed.  No one else knew the caves like he did, after all, and no one else loved them as well.

Carlsbad Caverns

A still-active stalagmite grows with the slow dripping of water in the Big Room of Carlsbad Caverns

We came to the caverns over one hundred years after Jim White first stood at the gaping black hole and decided to venture in.  Even though all the decades have passed and the cave is no longer something fearful, I felt as if I was making the discovery on my own.  It was bright in there now, not dark, and the bats were gone for the winter.  Paved paths, not questionable ladders and guano buckets, led us down into the belly of the earth.

But what a sight it was to behold.

Never in my life have I seen something so awe-inspiring as those caves, whose arched ceilings and intricate walls are more beautiful than any temple ever made by man.  Where on this earth could I go to see the works of any hands that could rival this?  What other architect could build such glorious structures, drop by drop, with water?

Carlsbad Caverns

The cathedral that is Carlsbad Caverns

It took my breath away.

I thought of Jim White, who stood on the edge of the deep, dark cave with dusty boots and no good reason to go further, and made a choice.  He went in.

And then we went back.  He went deeper, and higher, and farther–farther than the safety of yarn balls and handmade ladders.  He could have been satisfied with the beauty of the first great hall of stone, but he wasn’t.  Somehow, he knew that the deeper he went, the more glory he would find.

Carlsbad Caverns

Deep in the bowels of Carlsbad Caverns. If you look closely, you’ll see Jeff and the kids on the path.

 

Still, that sixteen-year-old boy had no idea what wonders he would find beneath the earth.  He thought it might be something great, but he could not even begin to fathom the depths of the riches of his discovery.  Even today, more than a hundred years later, the far-reaches of Carlsbad Caverns remain largely uncharted and undiscovered.

stalagmite at Carlsbad Caverns

In the Hall of Giants, facing the enormous stalagmites at Carlsbad Caverns

But if you were to climb to the surface and look around, you would see the same unchanging desert that Jim saw every day of his life.  The same blue sky, the same sandy ground, the same line of mountains in the distance.  If he had not ridden toward the unknown, and been willing to step into the deep, we might never know that there was anything more to see in the great New Mexican wilderness.

I stood in those caves, eyes raised in wonder, and thought, “How much do I miss of God because I am not willing to look, and not brave enough to go deeper, then deeper still?”

What if I was willing to be unsatisfied with what my eyes could see?  I wonder what marvels would await me right beneath the surface.

Five in Tow in Carlsbad

Five in Tow in Carlsbad Caverns

 

 

Faith 3 Comments

« Previous Page
Next Page »
I believe you can find grace for the mother you are and help to become the mother you long to be—a mom who has the freedom to choose the better things and enjoy her kids right now.

Recent Posts

  • Mr. Whitter’s Cabin
  • Stuck
  • When Your Heart is Hard Toward Your Child

Popular Posts

  • Mr. Whitter's Cabin
  • Stuck
  • When Your Heart is Hard Toward Your Child
  • Why She's Sad on Sundays
  • Failing Grade
  • I Should Have Married the Other Man

Sponsored Links

Copyright © 2025 Kristen Anne Glover · All Rights Reserved · Design by Daily Dwelling

Copyright © 2025 · Flourish Theme on Genesis Framework · WordPress · Log in