Take the Rose

All across the country today, churches are handing out flowers to mothers in honor of Mother’s Day. And all across the country, women stand at the doors of those Christ-dwellings, trembling.

They are the women who yelled at their children just five minutes before.

They are the women who conceived but never bore.

They are the women who feel their motherhood is trapped inside where no one can see it.

They are the women who fought for a child and lost.

They are the women became mothers in their bodies before their hearts were ready.

They are the women who do not love motherhood.

They are the women who long for motherhood.

Long ago, when someone pondered the good and lofty calling of motherhood, she could not know that declaring a national holiday to celebrate maternity would end up being such a nasty business. After all, everyone has a mother.

Yet not everyone is a mother.

Suit-clad ushers stand at church doors with buckets of roses to thrust at the women who come in with a gaggle of children, but they cannot know the depths of motherhood in the hearts of the women who come in alone.

This one suffered a miscarriage just the month before.

This one is putting part of her paycheck aside every month for an adoption that may never happen.

This one has put more miles on her car and gotten more invasive exams than any woman ever should just to find out why.

This one hugs neighbor kids whose own mother cannot be bothered.

This one struggles to be the mother she knows she needs to be, even though she feels the weight of failure night after night when the kids are in bed and she relives the day.

This one knows she is a mother, and she knows she is not a mother, all at once.

It is a beautiful, nasty business the way God created women to mother. He wove the threads in so tight, they pull and rip and ache sometimes, especially when some women are clothed in motherhood, and others are half-naked and clinging to rags.

Women, we are mothers; we are not mothers. All of us.

All across the country, the church doors are open and meager roses try to distinguish which is which. Only it cannot be done. If motherhood was nothing more than a biological distinction, it might be easier.

But motherhood is so much more than pregnancy. It is so much more than birth. It is even more than sheer emotional attachment. It is all of it and none of it all at once, and just as soon as you think you have it all figured out, another mother comes along and messes up all the algorithm.

So who gets a rose?

You do.

You who have borne children.

You who have nurtured children.

You who have lost children.

You who love children and you who want to love them more.

Take the rose.

Reach out your hand, not with trembling fear of judgment but with bold confidence that the God who made you made you to mother, whether you bore those babies in your body or not. Take the rose because mothering children is so much more than procreation. Take the rose because it is procreation.

Take the rose because you are a mother.

Take it because you are not yet the mother you want to be.

Take it because motherhood is more than a becoming. It is a being, and you can be a mother long before you have children, and you can not be a mother for a long time after.

It is a beautiful, nasty business, motherhood.

But if God wove motherhood into you, it was because He chose you for it. He is the one who determines your motherhood. Not a baby. Not a rose.

And He is not bothered in the least if your motherhood defies convention. He is big enough to glory in a motherhood that is messy. He is big enough to bless a motherhood that is barren. He is big enough to rejoice in a motherhood that plays out on a stage only He can see.

If He put within you a heart for children and whispered “Mother” into your ear, then it is done. It cannot be undone by any force on this earth.

You are a mother.

Take the rose.

Stop Fighting!

It has been winter forever. Parts of the country are buried under so much snow, they’re not expected to thaw out until sometime in June. School has been cancelled, children have been cooped up with other children (all of them sharing the same cold back and forth for the past three months), and the mothers, who have long since exhausted the activities on their Snow Day Pinterest boards, have Had Enough.

One such mother posted a desperate plea to Facebook. “Help!” she cried. “My children have not seen the light of day since October and now all they do is fight! I don’t think we’ll make it to spring!”

All of her friends nodded in cyber-understanding. We get it. But we’re also in the same position ourselves and none of us had any ideas. “Let me know when you figure it out!” one of her friends wrote.

That’s code for “Girl, you haven’t seen fighting until you’ve been to my house.”

I decided it was time to call in the big guns to get some answers to how to stop siblings from fighting. I happen to know a few experts on children so I called them up and we had a conference. “Kids,” I said, “I have a friend whose kids are fighting. What should she do?”

My children exchanged glances. I knew they knew, but for a minute, I wasn’t sure if they were going to divulge any information that might be useful to me in the future. I was beginning to think they liked to bicker on occasion.

“There’s ice cream in it for you,” I said because I am a mother. I am not above bribery.

Just like that, the ideas came tumbling out. I grabbed a piece of paper and wrote them down, smug in my brilliance. Sometimes, the best way to figure out this parenting thing is to ask your kids.

So here it is, straight from my kids to you:

Ten Ways to Stop Your Kids from Fighting

(Before You Lose Your Mind)

1) Send them to Separate Corners

It works for boxers and it works for children. All the togetherness of winter and family life can leave people a bit cranky. “Sometimes, kids just need some time alone,” Faith suggests.

She’s my introvert, and I know how she recharges when she gets a break from her siblings. Mandatory rest periods on busy or dreary days help to save her sanity. And mine. It’s brilliant.

2) Play a Game or Build Something Together

This sounds counter-intuitive, especially since I have a distinct memory of slapping my brother over a game of Checkers on a snow day from ages past. And let’s not even talk about the fights we got into over Monopoly.

So. There’s the possibility that my kids are way off on this.

“Won’t playing a game cause more fighting?” I ask.

“Not if the mom plays too,” Jonathan says.

Ah.

“Mom has to play too?”

“Yep. And Dad, if he’s home.” Then he sighs a long sigh and says, “It’s just better when the whole family is together.”

It’s true. My kids do not fight when I play a game with them. It’s just, I’m busy while they’re playing and I don’t take the time to join in the fun. It’s amazing how cheerful they become when I stop and play with them.

3) Divide and Conquer

Split families are a good thing if it means some kids go with one parent or adult and the other kids go with another. Everyone gets to have fun and a little extra attention while getting a break from each other.

Even if you have a lot of kids like we do, Kya suggests it’s sometimes fun to do girl stuff with me and her sister while the boys go do “boy stuff” with Dad. We also divide them up into “older” and “younger” groups so that we can choose activities that are more appropriate for each.

Splitting up the kids changes the family dynamic, and that little break can infuse some new life into worn relationships. When the siblings are back together again, they are generally very happy to see each other. Believe it or not, they can actually miss each other!

4) Get Physical

It’s amazing how therapeutic a wrestling match can be, or a family game of soccer or even a thumb wrestling competition. There’s something bonding about pinning your brother to the floor and making him beg for mercy.

At least, that’s what my kids tell me. They need positive physical contact, especially in the winter when they’re stuck inside together for days on end. Here are some ways my kids like to get physical:

Stuff the kids’ jammies full of pillows and let them belly bounce
Play Twister
Create a relay race or obstacle course in the house
If you have carpeted stairs, make the kids go up and down the stairs in as many ways as they can think of
Turn up the stereo and dance
Do a workout video together
Arm wrestle
Purchase a mini trampoline for the house and take turns jumping
Blow up a balloon and see how long the kids can keep it off the ground with no child touching it more than once in a row
Have a Nerf war!

You get the idea. Anything goes! Just make sure it is loud and sweaty and full-contact, and you’ll be good to go.

5) Turn Crafty

I know, I know. Some of you loathe crafting with your kids.

However, even a very simple craft project like learning to make paper airplanes and seeing how far they can fly can get kids working together and enjoying each other again. Put your crafting phobia aside, head out for some supplies, and get creative with your kids!

6) Find an Adventure

Want to stop your kids from fighting? Get out of the house. Sometimes, all it takes to hit the reset button is a change of scenery. Even in the winter, finding something new to DO is important.

Pile in the car and let the kids give you directions. See where you end up!

Be a tourist in your own town. Visit a place you’ve never been, even if it’s that tiny local restaurant with the flashing EAT sign and a disconcerting amount of bikes in the parking lot. Go explore!

If you’re snowed in, bake cookies and bring them to the neighbors. Or make tiny snowmen on top of parked cars, paint snow murals, or leave crumbs out in the yard and see what kind of animals come and find you! Just make sure you actually leave the house. Go. Go now! Okay, you can finish reading this post first.

7) Plan Something

My kids tell me that they really, really, really love to have something to look forward to. Everyone gets along better when excitement taints the air. That’s why everything after Christmas is kinda…blah. All the anticipation evaporated with the eggnog and now every day is exactly like the one before.

The solution? Plan something. Anything! Just get something on the calendar and talk it up. It can be something as simple as a movie night or something big like a sleepover at Grandma’s. When the kids get to bickering, interrupt them and say, “Hey, guys! What movie should we watch this weekend? Should I make popcorn or brownies?

Remind them that something good is coming up, and let the anticipation work its magic on their behavior.

8) Catch Them Being Good

It’s hard not fighting, especially because brothers and sisters can be so infuriating sometimes. Our kids don’t fight quite a lot, if you think about it. Praise them for the times they get it right.

My kids think a reward system is just the ticket. Focus on the good behaviors you see in your kids. Make a chart! When your kids have gone a certain amount of time without arguing, let them pick a reward.

Paul tells that when kids have been good all day, they should get ice cream, period. Don’t forget the sprinkles!

9) Speak Life

When my kids fight, they know one of their punishments will be to replace every negative thing they said about their sibling with three good things. If punishments are supposed to be painful, it’s not a very good one because it’s actually very fun. In fact, my little darlings mentioned it as a great tool to stop fighting.

If you catch your children being mean-mouthed to each other, stop them and make them spout off three things they love about their sibling. If they have trouble thinking of things, offer some suggestions. “Micah has the best-smelling toes on the planet” or “You have the cutest kissy-face.”

The result is (usually) a fit of giggles.

10) Make the Children Clean the House

This is not one of my kids’ suggestions. They tanked out at #9. However, I figure if your kids won’t stop fighting, you may as well put them to work. They might moan and complain and bicker the whole time, but at least the house will be clean.

Let’s just call it a consolation prize.

*Now you’ve read all the inspiration my kid-experts had to offer. How about you? Do you have any tried-and-true methods for keeping your kids from fighting? Share them in the comments below!

Just One

She spat his full name like it tasted dirty in her mouth. “Get over here NOW!” she screamed. Each word got louder and sharper as her emotions mounted.

Her son, who was the same height as the box of colorful sugar-coated cereal that held his attention, ignored his mother. “Don’t you TOUCH that,” she said, her voice big enough to swallow him whole.

He turned around, blue eyes big and searching, from my face to hers. She saw me too, and my audience gave her license to sell her son’s dignity for the little bit of sympathy she might extract from me.

I would see how hard she had it, if she yelled her son’s transgressions loud enough for me to hear.

“I told you not to TOUCH THAT! You know I’m not buying that for you.” She spewed the words at him from behind the protection of her grocery cart. He was close enough to her that she could have led him away gently, but she did not move. She sent her words instead. “You’d better GET YOUR BUTT OVER HERE.”

He yielded to the threat in her voice, drawing near to the mother who could not hide her loathing. She grabbed his arm when he was close enough to reach, jerking him forward so he stumbled over his own feet.

“Would you watch where you’re going? God!”

He tripped after her, glancing back longingly at the box of cereal that promised rainbows and beautiful mornings.

Her boy did not touch the cereal again.

I stood in the breakfast aisle alone, holding the sympathy she had cut right out of me.

I didn’t want to feel sympathy for her.

This mother’s common, default tone with her child was so full of anger and resentment, I wondered what he could have done in his three years of living to make her hate him so. The words she spewed in public were harsher than any I had ever heard in private.

What was his life like at home, when he didn’t have the benefit of social etiquette to hold mother’s tongue in check?

I didn’t have to wonder.

I knew, and I felt dizzy. How could any mother speak to her child that way?

A mother does not just wake up one day with that kind of hatred in her heart. She does not simply decide to degrade her child with every word she speaks. It is a learned behavior, and I had a feeling that this mother had learned it long before her child was born.

Decades ago, that little girl wasn’t worth the time it took to speak lovingly. Perhaps her mother didn’t know that she could get the same results from her child by careful attention and kind correction as she could by hot words and hitting. Maybe she didn’t know that if she got up off the couch and pulled her child to her lap, that child would stop screaming.

Instead, she used harsh words to do the job of gentle hands. “Stop screaming! Stop that! If I hear one more word out of you I’ll…”

And so it began. That wide-eyed child listened to all the words, and like a good child, she learned them. The angry words became the soundtrack of her childhood, and she believed it. It never occurred to her that there could be another way, never entered her mind that she deserved better. She was stupid. She was trouble. She was worthless.

Now all these years later, she was a mother. She had a child of her own, and she found she mothered him to the same music her mother played for her. Bitter words and angry tones poured out of her mouth so naturally, it was almost like they were a part of her.

They were a part of her.

They were becoming a part of him too. He was learning. Already, the cycle was repeating. I could hear him a few aisles over. “No! No! No! You stupid Mommy!”

All the brokenness of the mother was breaking the son and neither one of them realized it was happening. All I wanted to do was hold the pieces together, somehow.

Because I know what happens when I let anger into my home, and I have seen how words can sever relationships. I know how my soul is shredded when I allow myself to speak to my children in a way that is not lovely. I know, too, how children can push and pull all the layers off until there’s nothing left but raw emotion, and how, in those moments, it is easy to let anger rule in place of love.

Some nights I go to bed thinking of the words I’ve said during the day and I realize I have chosen the cheap and easy way of parenting. I have served myself instead of my children. I have put my desire for annoyance-free behaviors over my children’s need for true training and loving discipline.

I have had to say I’m sorry.

I have had to give myself time-outs.

I have had to start over.

As much as I disliked that woman in the moment, I ached for her to know that she could start over. I longed for her to stop her cart, grab her boy, and say, “Baby, Mommy is wrong. I should never talk to you like that. No one should talk to you like that.”

For all the generations before her that used words like weapons, I wanted her to know how many generations it would take to stop the cycle.

Just one.

Just one mother speaking love instead of hate could change it all. It wasn’t too late for her to be that one.