We are having company for dinner tonight, which means I am in a mad scramble to make it look like no one lives here. I have almost finished the lasagna but the floor still needs to be mopped and the kitchen is a wreck and there’s an entire corner of the living room where random Christmas trimmings have been collecting since the morning of December 25.
I look up at the clock where the minutes keep on ticking by and I realize that I never fixed that tear in the couch. I notice that I don’t have enough matching dishes and I’m completely out of napkins. I have forgotten all about making the brownies for dessert but I have become acutely aware of the fact that my children still have not learned to flush the toilet in the hall.
Anxious thoughts flood my mind. I don’t know what to do next. I can’t think. Then the children stomp through and demand my time with comments and questions that seem so menial in the light of my greater responsibility. “I had it first!” “He hit me!” “Can we have a snack?”
I feel anger welling up. Why are they bothering me now? Can’t they see I’m busy? “I don’t have time for this!” I snap. “Go find something to do!”
But what I really mean is, you are too much of a bother. You are getting in the way of the little show I’m trying to pull off. You are messing up the mirage that we have it all together.
Why do I do this to myself? I think as I mop the floor. Every time we have company over, it’s the same way. I fall into a trap of trying to be perfect. I suddenly become dissatisfied with my home and my children and my husband and especially myself. My husband can never be helpful enough and the children can never play quietly enough and I can never do enough to make myself look much better than I really am.
It’s the old hypocrite in me coming out to play. I talk a big talk about grace, but on Friday nights when company is coming over, I don’t want it. I want a clean house. I want to keep up appearances. I will worry about all that sin that is death after the company goes home and no one cares if I have dirty dishes in my sink.
After every one goes home, I will apologize to my husband and the kids and say things like, “I’m sorry I was a little cranky,” because saying “I’m sorry I was a little cranky” is easier than saying, “I’m sorry I yelled at you” or “I’m sorry I didn’t have time for you” or “I’m sorry I loved a clean kitchen sink more than you.”
I will say it sincerely enough, though, as if I learned something. But really, all I want is to justify the tyrannical behavior that got me what I wanted. I acted unlovingly toward my husband and children but I got a clean house. It seems like a fair enough trade.
But of course, it isn’t. Trading grace for works is the ransom of a birthright for a pot of stew. It is a cheap exchange that leaves everything around me tainted no matter how hard I clean.
Today, getting the house clean in time seemed to be more important than love or grace or any of those things that tend to leave dirty footprints on my floor. Today, checking off the to-do list was more important than being honest and real and kind.
But on this beautiful day, God did not leave me in my sin. He reminded me of grace. Deep down, I know that a friend will not care if my house is clean or not. I certainly don’t care if hers is. In fact, I don’t mind if there are a few crumbs on the floor or dust on the windowsills because I can understand that. That makes me feel right at home and I love her all the more because she trusts me enough to know that it is okay for me to see her smudges.
And I am nothing if not a little smudgy. I fall short just like everyone else. I understand that, I think, until it’s time for me to be on the receiving end of grace. Then I don’t like it. Then, I want to work it out so I can give grace without having to swallow any of it myself.
But it’s not enough to give grace. I must receive it. I must let people in to the mess and the brokenness and trust that they will love me all the more for my weakness. I must hold on to the promise that Christ will indeed be more glorified through the broken pot than the whitewashed vessel.
On this beautiful day, I got to be a broken pot, an open door, a woman acquainted with grace.
Ahh…I NEEDED this today! I seem to have mixed up my priorities today and I left only minimal time to spend with the girls. No grace, of course. I simply didn’t have time for it! Hanging my head in shame, I put them in the bubble bath and sat down to read for a moment to calm down. I’m glad God lead me to this. It’s exactly what I needed.
I read it again today before I reposted because I needed it too! And it helped to realign my heart and I was able to clean and prepare without stress. God is good!
I’m so thankful for you writing this, it’s beautifully written! It’s as if you were in my head!! Lol!!
Thanks for starting this conversation–it is a needed topic. I guess I think my problem is that I suddenly have heightened perception of the mess when people are coming over. I suddenly look at my house from their perspective, or what I perceive their perspective is. I attack it with a vengeance, then sigh as I always, always, always fall short. The reality is, my house will always be messier than most others; 5 of us are year every day, all day long, using it as a school and home; my husband is also a “messy“ like me and cares minimally if the house is clean–sure, he wouldn’t mind a cleanER house, but truly cannot take time from his busy schedule to help out, and does not feel any shame about the messes he makes, so we really do not even see the mess until company is announced. Then, all of a sudden, it is as if we are living in someone else’s house and have been trashing it on purpose. The guilt trips, the State of Emergency declared, the anger, even. It is not right. We need to work on finding a place of balance, learning to keep our home in tolerable condition for us as well as for others. We will never, ever fake being neat freaks, but we do need to give up trying to fake that we are anywhere near normal. Sometimes I have been grateful for company, to be forced to open my eyes a bit. I think I also need to ask God for consistent vision to see my home as His home, a place where I want Him to feel comfortable–both in the cleaning, the hospitality, and the daily living. Then we will see what happens.
Yes! So many great thoughts. “Sometimes we need to be grateful for company”…yes.
Thank you for this post. I’m afraid I often respond the same way. Thank you for the encouragement!
Thank you so much for this post. I’m new to your blog, but I can’t wait to read more! I appreciate your honesty and vulnerability. It’s in being real that we can speak the most. I’m nearly finished reading one of the BEST books I’ve read in many years… the kind you want to start reading over again the minute you finish, so the beautiful truths can really sink in. I bet you would love it too… it’s called “Grace for the Good Girl” by Emily Freeman. Your post could’ve been one of the chapters… Thanks again for the thoughts and encouragement you’ve expressed!
Our not allowing grace to be extending to ourselves is so common in women – especially moms! Thanks for the reminder.
this is completely how I act and you’re right, every time after it makes you feel so awful and I know I let my family down. The next time I see this come up, I can refer back to this and let it stop my sin in it’s tracks.
Thanks for being honest too. It’s hard to admit it, even to myself. I am thankful that the Holy Spirit continues to work to convict and refine me.
Kristen, I think what you have written has touched a nerve in everyone’s heart! Someone who I respected in this area, said to me that she tells people when she invites them “if you want to see my house, make an appointment. If you want to visit with our family and be able to be yourselves, come on over!” Another said, “i’m not married to my house, this is where we live.” May God continue to use honesty in all of our lives to touch the brokenness in our world, and give balm to those who visit, as they surely face some struggles in their lives, as do we.
love you!
Bev
Thank you, Bev. I wrote this right after our company left, because God kept telling me, “Oh no, you’re not going to leave this on the table. You have to write it.” I did NOT want to! But I read it again today and I thought, “It is good to be honest about our failings.” Also, it’s good to do what God calls us to do even when it’s hard. We had a such a great time with our friends. What a gift they are!
Beautifully said! You’ve read my mind and heart.
I can soooo relate! Thank you for expressing what I am feeling! 🙂
Well it was a lovely Friday evening. And while Virgil and I commented on how beautiful your house looked with the candles and everything- more beautiful was the smell of good food and the pleasure of good company. (Samuel said his favorite part of his day was being at your house).
I definitely have a Martha in me (not stewart:) I race around getting my house clean for company. I snap at kids too. Its a fine line to walk. We want to bless our guests with warmth and comfort but not attack our family for clutter and chaos. Lately when I have playdates over for the kids I’ve been trying to purposely leave dirty dishes on the counter or leave out one of my many piles without putting it away. It helps me remember that I’m not fooling anyone- I’m NOT perfect. My house is NOT perfect. And I need Jesus every day.
Yes, beautifully written… but mostly pointing out ways my heart and head need a makeover. Wow. Thank you.
This is a message I have been struggling with a lot lately. I guess maybe there is something God is trying to reinforce in my life. Thanks for being a part of that!
Wow your post today really hit me hard also, especially when your uncle dan comes over i always try to make the house look perfect!!! (cause he is the my land lord) I am always making sure the clothes are washed dishes are done and the house is so clean but i have four kids that need my attention some times more and i focus on the house being clean. Well last night Your uncle Dan came over and had pizza with our family and i didnt even know he was coming and the house wasnt perfect and he didnt care about it muched as i worried he would, he knows i got four children!!! What a great Uncle u have!!! But thanks for sharing this one. Your honesty is what matters and we all try to be so perfect and there is no way possible to be perfect!! This will make me be more honest to myself! Thanks so much Kristen, I love to read your posts!!!
Wow, I find myself in that very same position every time company is coming over but also in the day to day as it seems more important to get laundry done or empty the dishwasher than spends a few simple moments giving to my family. Thanks for this reminder to be kind and thoughtful and remember that the laundry isn’t going anywhere!
Your blog is a heavy hitter today! It makes me think, makes me do some self examination, and I don’t like what I see! Thanks for being honest, it forces me to be more honest with myself.
Oh, I could’ve written this. We host our gospel community on Wednesday evenings and I’m happy to do it, but feel like I will pop a blood vessel every week–especially if I know we’ll have visitors. If someone is seeing my house for the first time, it had better look PERFECT. “Tyrant” is exactly the word that best describes me on Wednesday afternoons! It’s my fear of man issues. And trading works for grace, just as you’ve said. I’m working on my idols of control, but still have a long way to go. Thank you so much for this, Kristen!
Ouch! Rascal 🙂
We are definitely related. I HATE having company because my house will never be clean enough and the carpet and linolium are well past their prime – I will have missed some spiderwebs when I was cleaning….and I get very tense over it all. I know that the reason people are coming to visit is not to inspect my home but because they want to spend time with us (and hopefully eat some good food!) and I need to learn to focus on the relationship we have with them and not all the little extras that they won’t even notice (hopefully 🙂 ).
Wow……..I just want to print that and post it in my kitchen. My friends seem to be able to keep houses of perfect order and cleanliness…… for years, I have wondered what’s wrong with me that I couldn’t seem to manage it, unless I was the crazed maniac you describe and still I always felt in the end that I didn’t measure up to other women the home. What wisdom and grace the Lord has bestowed upon you in giving you a heart of understanding, and to be able to confess and share with other women what He has laid upon your heart. I have never looked at it in that way and you have challenged me to rethink my behavior and priorities and more importantly, what God thinks of both. Thanks to you for sharing and to my daughter, Danielle, for sending me your post.
Why are we women so hung up on a clean house for appearances’ sake? Alas, I feel the same way–desiring a clean home, lovely dinner, blah, blah, blah, before friends come over. A clean home vs relationship. Thx for writing this today; it was a good reminder of my need for God’s grace.
amen.
Beautifully said…
My dear friend, this is certainly one of the most (if not THE most) beautiful pieces you have ever written. I love you for your honesty. And I am so humbled to see here in black and white that you really do trust me. 🙂 And you are so right, I don’t care about the state of your house. I am there to be with you, and YOU? You, are lovely.