Why God gave you a special needs child
God gave you a special needs child. It is wonderful-exhausting, and you wouldn’t trade that child for the world. But you don’t know what you’re doing, half the time, and you don’t know how to help. You watch your child struggle to do the things that are considered normal, but he can’t. Friends and family ask you if you’ve figured out “what’s wrong with him.” Strangers criticize.
As the days and years go by, you are depleted of every resource and every idea you ever thought you had about parenting. “Someone else could do this so much better,” you think when the house is hushed and guilt comes to call.
Someone else would be more patient.
Someone else would be more understanding.
Someone else would make fewer mistakes.
Someone else would know what to do.
Why did God give you a special needs child? He had to know you were not qualified. He had to know you were just plain and ordinary and not the kind of person who could handle something like this.
Oh, mama, he knew all of this. The God who made you can see right into your heart, and he knew. He knew you weren’t up to this task.
But God does not just give good gifts to the best people. He gives good gifts to the foolish, the weak, and the ones who do not have it all together. That’s why he gave us Jesus, and that’s why he gave you your child.
God gave you a special needs child as a gift. You did not earn it, and you did not deserve it.
That’s easy to say but hard to see when you’re in the middle of it. Having a child with a disability can be overwhelming and consuming and some days, you feel like a wretch because of how you dealt with the disability and the child who has no control over it.
You don’t feel like a good gift to him or anyone else. You’re just…tired.
God does not just give good gifts to the best people
Underneath it all, deep down in your being where no one can see, that gift is at work. It is softening you to grace, gently breaking you of your need to do better and put on a good show. It is slowly washing away your perfectionism and your need to control by giving you a child who does not always show well, who doesn’t do perfect, and who doesn’t allow for the illusion that you are better than you are.
You are not better than you are. Some people live their whole lives without knowing this. But you are not so deceived. You have a special needs child, and you know the depths of your sin.
But you are learning that God does not turn his back on you because of your sin, and he is not deceived into thinking you are better than you are. He loves you in spite of who you are. His love for you is not based on whether or not your child can recite the alphabet or learn to use the toilet or obey. He loves you when you make progress and when you wake up to find that nothing you did the day before “stuck.”
It’s easy to understand how God can love a child. But mamas, he gave you that child so that you could understand how much he loves you.
He loves you enough to make you lovely.
Somehow, God is at work, using this disability to soften you. Remember when you used to be judgmental? Remember when you used to have time to criticize? Remember when you made assumptions about people and their parenting based on appearances?
God gave you a special needs child to chip away at your superiority. Somewhere over the course of the years of loving a child with “issues,” you lost bits of yourself that needed losing, and gained the beauty of a woman who was being refined by something deeply personal and daily difficult.
You might not be able to see it now, but wait. God gave you a special needs child and that is refining you, even now. Someday, you will realize how much you’ve changed and how much of a gift this really was.
The gift is softening you to grace
Because someday, there will be a mama in church whose child is old enough to sit quietly, but doesn’t. If there’s one thing she needs, it’s understanding, and if there’s one thing you have, it’s grace.
You will not point her to the foyer or make her to feel that her big kid belongs in the nursery. You will whisper “Solidarity” under your breath and remember the time your own child screamed “You’re hurting me!” from one end of Target to the other because the tag on his shirt itched.
Someday, there will be a nine-year-old boy who can’t read the words on the Lego box, and you will not think him stupid. You will smile and read the words for him and look for the things his beautiful brain can do better than reading. And you will find them.
Someday, you will get a thank-you card from a neighbor’s little girl, and you will notice the smiley faces on the hand-drawn flowers and not the misspelled words that won’t stay in the lines.
Someday, you will watch a dad walk his child through the stares and the whispers, and you will not think, “I wonder what’s wrong with that child?” You will say, “How can I help?” Metal and tubes and drool do not bother you anymore. You don’t remember when it happened—but somewhere along the way, you got over appearances. Having a special needs child will do that to you.
You will be grateful with the realization that you are not who you once were. You have been given a precious gift, not because you were good enough for it or because you had all the answers, but simply because God chose you to be the mama of a special needs child.
And that has been a grace.
Author’s note: I used the term special needs because it was the most encompassing term for children with various disabilities, including learning disabilities, which three of my children struggle to overcome. I also have a son with physical disabilities. These are their stories:
This is a cursed from God and this is his judgement on you. It’s a horrible thing. Just be thankful for your other blessings.
I got goosebumps & started crying when I read this.
This might as well be a checklist for me b/c every single point made in your article apply to me.
I’ve had a very difficult life. I was in foster care, abandoned by everyone before I turned 16. Made a ton of terrible mistakes. Plagued by severe mental health issues due to my past. Few years back I lost my job. I had no family, I was in an abusive relationship that I couldn’t get out of. My drinking was out of control. I just broke. I prayed for God to show me my purpose or take me from the earth. I ended up pregnant at almost 40 about 2 months after that prayer. In the span of 7 years everything in this article happened. It feels like you’re writing my own story. I almost feel like the me before my child was born wasn’t even me. My attitude has changed. My views on life has changed. Every thing in the article happened & my faith has been strengthened!
I had a horrible day today in dealing with my special needs child. I prayed and prayed for help, strength, and forgiveness. This articles brought so much tears. Most powerful is that God gave me this child to show me how much he loves me and never to give up. Thank you.
I appreciate your words. I came across your page because I googled ” why God gave me a child with disability”. I am so hurt that this supposed God would do this to an innocent child make a decision devastating on our lives and expect to be loved for it.
Your words do not bring me comfort unfortunately. I rather find comfort in the thought that there is no God and this is just life, thus is just chromosomes that didn’t do as they should have done.
I’ve had one chance at being a mom and it is a very lonely battle. There is no blessing in this.
7 years so far of fighting. You are right. This is tiring!
I just wanted a normal simple life. Now I battle life with a child with multiple disabilities and alone because his dad is useless.
I can’t see how any father figure would want this for their child.
My heart and my world is broken 💔
Yes, I love my child and I fight for him. But I would never want to do this over again, not for him amd not for me.
I have 3 daughters Angel Serinity Zykeria Serinity has a disability Angel and Zykeria have their days too Thankyou God I needed to hear this and read this
Special needs children prove God is a random force. It makes life more interesting and people more grateful their child is normal and they thank God.
God gifted me a special needs child because I am worthy of protecting, providing and nurturing the special spirit. Its nothing that i did wrong, as i have always been that special one. Having a child with special needs keeps me focused and gives me the ability to be compassionate to others. It allows me to assit people on their journey in a more abstract way.
God I thank you and I accept the challenge and journey. I Love It…Lets go!!!!!
Yeah this didnt help at all….
You’re just not open minded
J – what a ridiculous thing to say
Loved this, but wanted to introduce people first language. If you say child with special needs, you see the child first instead of the disability. It helps you and others to understand how much more important the child is than the fact there is a disability. It has helped me tremendously. We have a daughter with a rare chromosomal disorder who has been a puzzle all of her life. She is 28 now and still lives with us. She is a joy and a challenge and has taught us so much! God gave her to us to care for and raise for him. Love you! Kari’ Day
If God gives special need children for a purpose of understanding his greatest love for us then what about the effect on his or her other siblings who might be born normal. Can they have a family and lead a Normal life when the world knows that they do have a special need sibling? What about the burdens on them? Is that also a purpose? I totally do not understand how does God gives special need purposely
That’s my theory. Great, it softened me as a person. But my special needs child is the one suffering and going through life struggling. Why is he made to suffer like this?? He has me now. When I’m dead who does he have??
Tengo una hija incapacitada totalmente y soy sola me a costado mucho salir adelante y comprender porque mi hija tiene que sufrir tanto mi mayor miedo es morir y dejarla sola no tengo nadie Dios porque no reniego de ella la amo más que mi vida pero tengo miedo a morir y dejarla
This article is full of it
I am even more lost at this point. I am the momma of a near 13 year old. I absolutely love her. I am continually challenged. I meet my struggles and deal as needed. But always focus on her. I read this hoping for enlightenment…to bed disappointed. I read this as I was a bad person and the only resolve was for Him to disable a child for me to see the fault in my ways. What? If I was struggling before in my relationship with the saviour it just got worse. Signed eternally confused
God is an evil sucker, I definitely abort the baby. If I had one. I tell my partner to abort.
I’m sorry you dislike yourself so much as to post something so cruel. As you mentioned you had learning difficulties and I’m sure it chipped away at many learning experiences that come easy for some. Know that you being cruel, saying cruel things about others only makes you as bad as the people that said mean things to you. I know this because if you didn’t you wouldn’t have left any reply to this post. May you find blessing in this world as the Lord shows his perfection in a special needs child just as a typical developing child.
I have a learning difficulties and if I ever have a child with the same problem, I’m walking away.
Because you’re a coward
Check out the new book by Kalee Miles called “God gave you a Special Needs Child for a Purpose.” You are right there with that mom who wrote that book.
I have not heard of that book before! Thank you!
Great post and I agree. God uses our special needs children to work on us and “chip away at your superiority”. I love this and God has chipped away at mine and given me a sense of empathy that I wouldn’t have otherwise had. Sharing this! Blessings!
Thank you, Kathleen!
Kathleen – My daughter’s purpose is not to make me a better person. That’s not her responsibility. I just think that’s such a load…
What an awesome God we serve! Every good and perfect gift is from the Father, and special needs children are those gifts as well as other gifts. Thank you for being one of those whom God could entrust these gifts. May He continue to bless you.
Thank you, Shirley! God has been good to me.
NOPE!!
This is truly one of the most powerful and beautiful things I have read since becoming a special needs Mama. It has been oh so hard. There have been many tears. You are so right, that perfectionism is a facade that is being wiped away. God is doing a work in me through my beautiful child, how blessed am I. Thank you for writing this.
I am right there with you. God has broken me in, I always say. But it’s been a beautiful breaking, and I’m so glad that God saw fit to work on me through the privilege of motherhood.
I’ve just always wondered if that’s something kids do. I used to read Wil Wheaton’s blog a lot, and he’d write these wonderfully heart-warming posts about his step sons, and I just always hoped they knew he wrote nice things about them. Same with you. Your kids look old enough to be interested in their mom’s online writings. I just wondered if they were.
They love to read through old posts with me. It’s a treasure. When I started blogging, I had no idea how beautiful it would be to have these memories sealed up for always. But it is one of the best things I’ve ever done for us.
God was so gracious to me. The moment we realized our first child was definitely special needs and I said to my husband ” I can’t handle a special needs child”, the verse Exodus 4:11 flashed across my mind “…who hath made man’s mouth?” and God said to me “who made you Connie? only I know what you are capable of through me.” later I read the rest of the verse…(Paraphrasing here), or who maketh the deaf, or the dumb, or the seeing or the blind…..have not I the Lord? God was gracious to tell me from day 1 HE was with me, and no, I couldn’t do it, but HE could. And yes, my faith has grown more through having Nathan than through any other single thing in my entire life. So maybe God wanted to show me how much He loved me by given me Nathan. I had never thought of that.
I love this story, Connie. I agree–I can’t do this, but God can do it through me.
Thank you for writing this. There have been countless moments I’ve doubted my ability to handle our situation, and countless feelings of joy because of our gifts.
Yes.
Your blogs always speak to me. Thank you.
Thank you, Sarah. I am grateful.
Amen.
Thank you. I sit here with tears rolling down my face having doubted myself, and cringed in concern of what others must think way too often. I have four children. One with mental health struggles and the other dyslexia (the lego box got me!). Thank you for the reminder of being blessed and living in grace.
God is using this for something good in your life, I am sure of it. These years are difficult–refining hurts. But it is so worth it.
AMEN !!!! Praise God that you hit the nail on it’s head. Although the “hitting on the nail” may be hard and difficult his love cushions it and softens the blows as we all heal. It is apparent that the Holy Spirit was with you as you wrote this because it stirred him within me to know it spoke to me in regards to my son and the rest of my immediate family.
Pray for William.That God may soften his heart and be more accepting of those that may require more effort and attention that may or may not be “normal” or have special needs. Some “normal” kids can be more difficult in other ways. Who can determine who deserves life based on whether their life will take away worldly conveniences. As a mother, who also knows many others, you give more than should ever receive from a having a child in worldly terms, but the blessings are tremendous now and eternally. It is priceless.
My youngest, now 20, has Autism with significant intellectual delay, seizures, non-verbal and not potty trained. His older siblings did not have my hang-ups and faults, and it certainly was not seem fair to them. We were aware to spend quality time with them. As well as make time to let them be aware of their unique special attributes created by God that made them important and needed. We were prayed, hoped and tried to nurture all of them from having any or minimal resentment toward their brother. Maybe that was not the case for William. I still often question myself if I did enough for each of my kids. What mother does not ask herself that?
My “20 plus something kids” have been tremendous blessing like their 20 yo special needs brother in teaching me more than I think I taught them. They are honest like when they were little kids without filters, but are much more lovingly diplomatic that I would ever be. They, (and their friends), have said they are better persons because God has touched them to grow in his likeness through their special needs brother. Also, there were blessed a second time indirectly with having better parents because God worked on each of us through the raising and care of their special needs brother.
Yes, people and even his dad (my husband) had said why would God allow our special needs son to suffer with earthly limitations to just help those around him to blessed with their walk with the Lord, instead of accomplishing that another way. Whose to say that special needs persons suffer more than others with physical limitations that are not seen as “special”???
God did not want any child or person to suffer, but we live in a faulty damaged world due to the sin of mankind. Yes, it is okay to own the sin. Now I can lay it all at the cross where it was meant to be handled by Jesus. I got your essay and know that you in no way meant that God would ever punish us for our messed up (sinful) ways by sending a special needs kid to bring us back to him. The ‘sin of mankind” here is likely that we as humans have not taken care of this once pristine earth. And our earthly bodies are far from pristine from birth. Less so as most of us do not take care of our bodies as we should. Mankind has polluted his creation. Bottom line, we have to believe that he loves us more than we can ever understand and remind ourselves to trust his benevolence and providence. I am definitely one with, “so little faith”, and have to ask God to provide his faith and strength to remind myself that he is the first and last to there to hold and love me as well as my son and the rest of my family.
Many verbal Autistic persons do admit to life being challenging dealing with the majority who approach or process life differently. They would may suffer less if others just realized the are as special and unique as they are when God created them. Yes, the difference may be more noticeable but that is okay. We are his wonderful creatures.