Micah, age 2, was throwing a temper tantrum this morning so I said sternly, “Micah, stop. Do you want to go in your crib?” to which his twin Paul responded by putting his little hand on my arm, shaking his head and saying in a very grave voice, “No-no. He no any!”
I was listening to Jonathan, age 6, label parts of speech in his grammar sentences. “Subject-noun, verb, adverb…” The mantra was making me sleepy. He saw the glazed-over look on my face, patted my arm and said, “I know, Mom. You’re sad because you’re thinking about how fast I’m growing up.”
I ordered a new black wool coat and when it came in the mail, I tried it on for the kids. They watched solemnly. Faith, 8, said, “It is a very nice coat…for a funeral.”
Jonathan, 6, piped up, “It makes you look taller than you are.” This was not really a compliment since I’m already six-feet tall.
Then Kya , 4, shouted gleefully, “You look like a POLICE!” They all giggled uncontrollably. “You DO look like a police!” Faith added. Soon they were all chanting, “Mommy’s a police, mommy’s a police…”
This was not exactly the look I was going for.
“Dear God, Thank you that even in the storms of life, you have kept us safe. Thank you for your mercy on us. And thank you that even when times are hard, you take care of us. Please don’t let the food prices go up.”
–Jonathan, 6, praying for dinner. This is what I imagine a Dayspring Greeting card would sound like if written by Glenn Beck.
While out shopping, I decided to be particularly nice to everyone I saw because the weather was bad, the lines were long, and people were cranky. I smiled at everyone I saw. When I got home, I even smiled at Jeff. He took one look at me and said, “There’s something stuck in your tooth. It was there before you left.”
“Why didn’t you tell me THEN?!” I exclaimed.
“I thought it would come out on its own. Besides, I didn’t want to embarrass you.”
Well THAT plan backfired!
I just want to sit in front of the heat dish and eat Pez.”
–Faith, 8, reflecting on how dissimilar her goals for herself today are to MY goals for her today.
My twins, 2, have been encoded with a magic phrase. No matter what state of temper tantrum they are in, no matter how loud the screams and cries, all I have to do is say, “Aw, puppy” and they immediately drop to their knees, pant, and beg for a treat. I’m telling you, brainwashing is seriously under-appreciated in today’s society.
Toddlers, take heed: under no circumstances should you attempt to remove your socks while sitting on the toilet. This level of multi-tasking is well beyond your years, and the resulting half-naked face plant will be the stuff your mother’s memories are made of when you start bringing girls home for dinner.
We regret to inform you that your application to be relieved of Nap Duty was denied. Your desire to be reassigned to Mommy Monitoring was met with resistance, if not open hostility, by The Mommy. She is fairly adamant that additional recruits are not necessary. Please resume your current post until further notice. If you cannot fulfill your duties as as stated, FAKE IT.
“Ugh! I feel all mettled!”–Faith, 8, proclaiming her contempt for the fact that Micah stole her spoon, slobbered on it, and then passed it on to Paul who promptly repeated the offense.
It’s amazing how a little girl who has never even heard of Rainbow Brite can create such an accurate representation thereof if given the opportunity to dress herself.
10/15/10 Jonathan invented a new game called “Dodge Rock.” I don’t think it’s going to catch on.
Jonathan, 6, was asking how bats can see in the dark. I explained that bats are basically blind but that they “see” by emitting sounds that bounce off things so the bat knows where they are. I paused to contemplate whether or not the kids would understand the term “sonar” when Faith, 8, pipes up, “Yeah, Jonathan, it’s called ‘echolocation.'”
“Pigs are yummy when they’re dead,” Kya, 4,mused as she ate her “pig dinner,” as she called it. She hummed a little tune to herself and then she said in a serious tone, “I am kind of sad about that pig, but it is yummy! I would be MORE sad about that pig if it wasn’t dead.”
“Mommy, you need a new Kya. I’m very damaged.” — Kya, referring to the fact that she bonked her knee, not to the fact that she needs therapy, which was my first assumption.
While out running errands, Kya asked, “Mom, can we stop and get a little something to eat? Like at a french fry store. Like the kind Nana knows.” Ha ha ha! I find this hilarious on so many levels.
Kya math: “8+green makes orange, plus blue makes black.” Finally, an equation that makes sense.
“My finger is going to fall off in nine seconds,” Kya, 4, solemnly pronounced after waltzing in and showing me the purple-tipped digit that had nearly succumbed to the yellow elastic hairband she had wrapped around it earlier in the day. She was surprisingly accurate for a girl who hasn’t learned to tell time.
I just discovered Paul applying sunscreen to the cat.
I was working in the kitchen when Jonathan came up to me and said, “Mom, you have such long legs! They’re as tall as a house!” Before I could say thank you, I heard Kya pipe up from behind me, “Yes! And you have a really big bottom too!” I guess you win some, you lose some.
The lesson plan read, “Dividing a Two-Digit Number by a One-Digit Number with a Quotient Greater Than 10.” It should have read, “An Afternoon of Drama, Tears, and This-Is-Soooooo-Hard, with a Remainder of Resentment and Angst.”
Paul’s first valiant effort to escape the confines of his crib was successful! Unfortunately, the impact of head against floor will likely erase all memory of glory. Good thing Micah was there to witness the event. He gave the complete play-by-play in pantomime and fake crying for effect.
“Mom! Some dinosaurs’ brains were only as big as a pea,” Jonathan announced after reading his new dinosaur encyclopedia. Then he added proudly, “But MY brain is as big as a walnut!”
Faith, from the back seat of the van: Are we going to Costco?
Kya: Can we get a hot dog?
Me: I don’t know. Maybe.
Jonathan, aside to his sisters: Oh no. She learned “maybe.” Now all we’re going to hear is “maybe this” and ‘”maybe that.”
Jeff, observing the garden that is taking over our back porch: “Why is the deck so green?”
Jonathan, with a smile: “Because we have a mommy!”
Jonathan saunters in for dinner, takes one look at the pot roast on the table and says, “Oh! Steak for dinner, huh?” A six-year-old’s optimism is priceless.
Micah, 20 months, used the toilet tonight for the first time. It was a major success, and he even said “bye-bye” as he flushed everything away. Kya, 3, was so excited. “Micah! You’re poopy-training!” she shouted. “You did it! You did it! I’m so proud of you! I just LOVE this child!”
Paul, 20 months, is walking around with a plastic toy bin on his head. He’s annoyed that he can’t see, so he’s banging on it. He doesn’t like the banging, so he’s crying. The more he cries, the more he bangs. The more he bangs, the more he cries. He could easisly remove the bin but he’d rather give it a piece of his mind. Bang! WAAAAH! Bang bang! WAAAAH! There’s a sermon illustration in there somewhere.
“Faith, you’re a really good ‘possum! You’re a ‘POSSUM of a ‘POSSUM!” Kya, 3, attempting to use the highest form of complement on Faith, which is, of course, our family’s idiom, “You’re awesome like a ‘possum.”
Boy gets his first pocket knife for his birthday. Boy cuts up lots of sticks and makes lots of spears. Boy cuts his finger a little. Boy promises to carve kitties for his little sister. Boy loses pocket knife. He hunts and hunts and hunts then cries. Mommy tells him to retrace his steps. She is right. Boy finds knife. Boy makes a thank-you spear for Mom. Boy cuts finger again, deeper. Mom takes knife away.
The little boys have figured out how to climb up on their little scooter and up onto the toy trunk so they can fling themselves over the back of the couch and belly flop onto the cushions below. “Wheeeeee! (thump) Wheeeeee! (thump) Wheeeeeee!” I’m just waiting for the “Wahhhhh!”
“Where you are, there I will be. When you need to be alone, I will be there. When you are funny and try to hide in the bathroom, I will find you. When someone else demands your attention, I will protect you. When you’re busy and can’t get anything done, I will cling to you with all my might. When everyone else forgets that even Mommies need a hug and lots of loves, still I will be there.” The Toddler Credo
Kya, 3, reading her Bible to herself: “The Bible says, ‘It’s not a good idea to go potty in you pants.'” That’s what I call Wisdom Literature.
“I have 96 crayons. You’d think there’d be a red in there SOMEWHERE!” Jonathan, frustrated that a crayon which looked red colored orange. Welcome to the world of crayons, my boy, welcome! Just wait until he realizes how many blues are really PURPLE!
“Yes, I’m a very wise boy.”–Jonathan, 5, after learning that he was right and Faith, 7, was wrong (!) in a math dispute.
Faith’s very serious commentary to Jonathan on the more mature parts of one of her favorite books, The Swiss Family Robinson: “The parts that are sad are not really sad to me because I’ve learned to accept these things.”
It’s disturbing to me that when I say “Ma ma!” the boys do the baby sign for “gorilla.”
Kya was wearing Jeff’s shoes around, pretending to be daddy. I asked her what daddy does, expecting her to say, “He goes to work,” but she looked at me and said, “He prays for me.” *sob
The kids slithered down to bed on their tummies (because that’s how walruses go to bed, you know) while hotly discussing whether their bunk bed should be an ice flow or a rock island.
I regret to inform you that due to an unusual number of requests, you have exceeded your sympathy allotment for the day. Wait times for compassion may exceed the length of your nap time. If you need something re-explained, kissed, cleaned up, changed, read, fixed or cooked differently, you may hold for another customer service representative (Daddy) who should be available to take your call at approximately 4 p.m.
Jonathan, 5, to Kya, 3, : “You’re a pumpkin pie!” Kya to Jonathan: “You a cracked egg! Ewww!” Both: “Hee hee hee! Haaaaa hahaahaa!” I love that my kids don’t know how to insult each other properly.
There is such a thing as Purgatory. It’s called long division.
Two teething babies x eight new teeth x math – healthy babies + one baby with a fever rash x grammar – my clean floors – sunshine drying my clean laundry = chocalate chip cookies for lunch! I don’t care how you do the math, it comes out the same. Trust me.
Tonight I realized that Paul,1, doesn’t cry at the vacuum because he’s afraid of it but because he WANTS it. That divine example of domestic machinery has won my boy’s heart. I can’t really blame him. It’s loud, it has a light, it comes with its own attachments, and, aside from Micah, it has the biggest motor in the house.
Apparently, the incredible din coming from the downstairs is not the sound of a freight train but is, in fact, the result of my three oldest children attempting to play “O Holy Night” on two recorders and an out-of-tune guitar. The blood oozing out of my ear canal is undeniable evidence of their musical giftedness (or lack thereof) and my questionable sanity for letting them have the instruments in the first place.
Kya, 3, wakes up this morning, leans on the banister outside her room and says with a heavy sigh, “Mom, I NEED a poo-pooter.” Nana gave her a pink cell phone for Christmas and now she needs a laptop?! What’s next! When I told her that Nana gave her a pink phone because she loves her, Kya said, “No, she gave me a phone because I said, ‘Nana, I want a pink phone,’ and so she did.” Oh.
“Mom, I forgot I was so pwetty!” Kya, upon waking up from her nap and noticing she was still wearing the very colorful outfit she had picked out earlier in the day.
“Sometimes I get accidentally put on pause.” Jonathan, 5, after I scolded him for daydreaming during our math lesson.
I am constantly amazed at the way the weathermen in the Pacific Northwest can make it seem like we’re going to have some variety in our week: “Monday, showers likely; Tuesday, some precipitation, heavy at times; Wednesday, increasing chance of rain; Thursday, scattered sprinkles turning to rainshowers; Friday, a few cloudbursts turning over to showers.” So…is it going to rain or what?