A few months into my husband’s deployment, I stopped wearing my wedding ring.
I sat on the edge of our bed with tears in my eyes and slipped it off my finger. The diamonds tossed lamplight around on the walls, and the gold felt heavy in my hand the way my heart felt heavy in my chest.
I plunked my wedding ring into the ceramic ring holder, the one that looks like a bird on a stump, the one he hates, and turned off the light.
I took off my wedding ring
Years earlier, my future husband had given me that ring as a symbol of the covenant between the two of us, the sign of a continuous, never-ending promise that nothing but death could separate.
A few months later, we stood together before an illuminated cross in the front of my church and whispered sacred vows over that ring. “For better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, ‘till death do us part…”
Those were the early days, when we talked in dreams. Everything was said that could be said, then, because it was impossible to keep it in. How deeply I loved him. How beautiful marriage was. How much we were going to do together as husband and wife. How he was handsome when he slept, and how I envied his eyelashes.
I still envied his eyelashes, but he snored now, and I burned dinner.
My ring had worn a place on my finger, a permanent indentation, white and smooth, with the years. The gold was scuffed, and I’d managed to chip a diamond. I didn’t even know you could chip diamonds, but there it was, all the same.
The love that had once been poetic had become practical: folding socks, stopping for milk, paying the phone bill, taking out the trash. He went to work. I grew babies. In the evening, we exchanged daily updates like kisses.
“The kids finished their math.”
“I have a meeting tomorrow at two.”
“Did you buy windshield wipers?”
And so it went, each day feeling more and more like we were to people occupying two separate worlds that collided only occasionally. Some days, it felt like I wasn’t married at all.
Sometimes, I felt like I was not married at all
It might have gone on that way indefinitely had he not been deployed to the other side of the world. I realized, before he left, that life wouldn’t be that much different with him gone. Not really. And that broke my heart.
The Army put an ocean between us, and more time zones than was polite. The Internet was sporadic and Skype froze his face in disturbing pixelized mutations.
We would go days without talking because it’s hard to talk over an ocean.
Over the course of days and weeks and months apart, our marriage was stripped down to the bare bones. There was nothing to hide behind: no busyness or long hours at work or a never-ending laundry pile. There was nothing to cover up the fact that we really didn’t love, honor, and cherish each other the way we set out to do.
Because you can think you’re doing okay if you can throw in a foot rub in every once in a while, and if you feel affectionate and say “I love you” a couple times a day. You can think your marriage is godly just because it’s comfortable. You can think you’re honoring your vows just because you still wear the ring.
But you can be wrong.
And both of you can feel incredibly unloved and lonely and isolated, even in the middle of a perfectly satisfactory marriage.
People were not made for satisfactory marriages, and our souls know it. Our souls are restless for the kind of intimate communion that is man and woman and the mystery of two made one.
It is why we make those vows in the first place, because our souls long to be bound by that kind of promise.
But like any good thing, it is one thing to want it, and another thing to do it.
I sat on the edge of my bed in the quiet of the night and slipped off my ring. I cried over it because I had allowed my marriage to become something so unlike what I knew it could be. I had neglected my vows.
You can think you are honoring your vows because you wear the ring
Bare faithfulness is not the same as love. Enjoying someone’s company is not the same as cherishing. Being proud of someone is not the same as honoring. All of those things were meant to be so much more, so much richer and deeper and more gospel-infused than anything I had been living for a long time.
I looked at my bare left hand and made a decision. If I was going to wear that ring, I said to myself, then I had to live the vow.
That began a ritual that has transformed my marriage. Every morning, I slip my ring on my finger and pray that God will help me to be worthy of it. Then I repeat my wedding vows to myself, thinking of specific ways I can love, honor, and cherish my husband throughout the day.
Each night, I take my wedding ring off again, hold it in my hands, and ask the hard questions. Had I faithfully kept my vows to my husband that day?
Did I put him first, after God, in my day?
Did I pray for him?
Did I make it easy for him to lead?
Did I actively support God’s calling on his life?
Did I encourage him to use his gifts, even if it meant personal sacrifice?
Did I give him my undivided attention?
Did I stop what I was doing and listen? Did I hear?
Did I uphold his reputation in the things I said about him?
Did I believe the best about him?
Did I trust him?
Did I limit my complaining and withhold criticism?
Was I thankful, appreciative, and kind?
Did I respect his hard work in the way I managed our finances?
Was I happy to see him?
Did I actively pursue ways to make him feel loved?
Was I a faithful partner in the raising of our children?
Did I uphold his authority when I parented without him?
Did I work on areas of weakness?
Did I strive to mature and grow?
Was I teachable and open to correction?
Did I recognize growth in him?
Wear the ring, live the vow
As the days passed, the vow I made on my wedding day took on more and more significance. It knit me together with my husband in ways I had longed for, but long neglected. Even with an ocean between us, I was more conscious of my commitment to him, and more focused on truly loving, honoring, and cherishing him than ever before.
And he returned the favor.
Some people say you should never take off your wedding ring. But I needed to take off my ring in order to see the significance of it. I needed to take it off to remind myself why I put it on in the first place, and what that meant for me. I needed to take off my ring to remember that wearing ring is the easy part of marriage—but it means nothing without the vows.
May I challenge you to do the same. Take off your ring. Look at it. Recite your vows to yourself and think about way to fulfill them before you slip it on again. Make each day a new commitment to love, honor, and cherish your spouse the way God intended.
Wear your ring, but live the vow.
This is one of the most beautiful things I have ever read, I am only married 4 months but I so desperately want to honor my husband and most importantly Christ who joined us together in the first place. I like to say that I meant those vows, BUT do I really? With my actions, and my petty offenses, do I really honor them? Thank you for this wonderful reminder. This encouraged me in more ways than one. ☺
God Bless you
I have never posted a comment online before but I think this article is beautiful. I have been married for 20 years and have 4 wonderful children. My wife and I have been separated for 8 months as we are going through a divorce. She has not spoken to me in more than 5 months and only twice in the 8 months we have been separated. I know that marriage can be a beautiful thing even though it so often does not turn out that way because we take our focus off of God and doing things his way. I love my wife and am praying for the kind of miracle that you received. With the human brain I see an impossible situation but I know that with Christ all things are possible.
Mike, thank you for taking the time to write. I have taken some time off the blog, so I apologize for not responding sooner. My heart breaks for your marriage, but I am praying for the miracle with you. I love that your heart seeks restoration in redemption, even though I’m sure there’s a lot of hurt there too. Thank you for allowing us to be a part of praying for your marriage.
I so needed this right now. My husband and I are separated right now due to mental and emotional abuse and his controlling nature. It became so bad I was depressed and suicidal. I had to make changes. What you have written helped me to see ways I can respect him. Your message goes along with the book Love and Respect that my pastor is having me go through. Thanks for the timely message. My husband is to have a counseling session (hopefully) he won’t back out tomorrow April 9, 2016 with the pastor. I am hoping to find out if our marriage is to continue. This message is great. Thank you again.
Thank you so much for your encouragement! My husband and I love each other and we have a comfortable marriage but I don’t honour him the way a wife should. We’ve nearly been married five years and have two children now. And to be honest I have to go and look up our vows because I don’t remember them word for word. How can you honour your vows when you can’t even remember them?! So thank you again! Your article has given me the encouragement, direction and inspiration that I needed to give God our marriage and to love,respect and honour the man He gave me. My husband deserves the very best of me and I owe it to my Saviour too. I want a great and godly marriage, one that our children will always know to be rock solid and based on Godly principles, especially love. One that they will aspire to when they grow up and get married. 🙂
Have you read the book Love and Respect. There is also a work book.
This is so encouraging. I am married to a marine, I’m new to the military scene, and new to the blog scene. We just celebrated ONE year of marriage. Thankful for Godly words of wisdom that make me pursue God and my husband more each day. Just wrote a blog on our first year of marriage, would love insight!
http://www.therogersduo.com/blog/2016/1/25/year-one
I DONT BELIVE LOVE AT FIRST SITE, LOVE COMES LATER ON IN LIFE, AND WHEN YOU HAVE BEEN MARRIED AS LONG AS I HAVE WHICH WILL BE 44 YEARS IN APRIL 11TH.I BELIVE YOU HAVE TO COMMUNICATE WITH EACH OTHER AND TRUST ONE AND OTHER AND RESPECT EACH OTHERS FEELINGS NEVER LOOK BACK ON YOUR MISTAKES AND MOVE FORWARD WITH OUT THROWING THINGS UP TO ONE ANOTHER,OR YOUR MARRAIGE WILL NEVER WORK,AND WHEN MILES APPART YOU MUST HAVE TRUST IN EACH OTHER TO KEEP YOUR MARRIAGE STRONG AND BELIVE IN ONE AN OTHER,AND MOST IMPORTANTLY TRUST IN GOD HE WILL GET YOU THROUGH ANY THING, YOU TAKE THE GOOD TIMES AND HAPPY TIMES WITH THE BAD TIMES IF YOU TRULY LOVE ONE ANOTHER YOU CAN OVER COME ANY THING THAT COMES YOUR WAY,I HOPE THIS HELPS YOU GOD BLESS YOU BOTH TRY TO MAKE YOUR MARRAIGE WORKS TRUE LOVE ONLY COMES AROUND ONCE IN A LIFE TIME
Thank you for this article. Unfortunately I tried this same kind if thing about 5 yrs ago. I can honestly say that I lived my vows but my former husband did not. For whatever reason he acknowledged my efforts but said they were in vain. After a very awful divorce which ripped apart 2 children, the healing balm still continues to soothe.
Again I say thank you for writing your article. Many need to re-evaluate their lives and live their vows not only to their spouse but to themselves.
Many GOD continue to richly bless you.
I’m so sorry that you and your children had to go through this. Your faithfulness is a beautiful testimony, but only God can change a heart.
Wow wonderful and interesting. Never thought of it that way. This made me think about how I see my marriage and how to make it better. Thank you for the honesty. God bless and keep you.
Thank you, Toni. May he bless you as well!
Thank you, Toni.
A great article to read and I realized that no matter how much I love my husband there is always room for growth.
Thanks
Same here!
This hits to close to home. It was as if you took my thoughts and put them into words. One of my goals this year is to make my husband feel treasured even thought there is an ocean between us. Thank you for this wonderful article and helping me find ways to achieve my goal.
That is a beautiful goal, Jana.
I lost my precious husband of 49 years to Alzheimer’s disease in August 2015. I watched him go from a very smart, loving , successful, very handsome man who was a wonderful father never missing a ballgame, play or anything else that our children were involved in even though it meant holding up an airplane and running across the runway in another country to get home! He loved me with a passion that was unbelievable and I loved him back the same way!! Of course we went through times when everything else got in the way, but I loved him fiercely always!!! I watched him deteriorate to a man who looked like a Martian he was so thin. He died in my arms with our children, grandchildren, very much loved family and friends singing “Fly to Jesus” and that is just what he did!! I miss him terrible and look forward to being reunited with him. Meanwhile, I know he is watching over us from heaven! I have not taken my ring off and don’t plan to!! I was so moved by your story and my advise is to hold tightly to him and thank God for him every day! I hope he is back safe and sound with you and the rest of his family!! God Bless You always!! Sorry this is so long, just wanted you to know how courageous you were and how lucky your husband is to have you!!
I’m so sorry for your loss, Kathy. What a blessing God gave you in your marriage. I am sure God has used it mightily in the lives of your children and grandchildren. Generations will be blessed because of your faithfulness! Thank you for sharing your story.
Good advice. I will do this also. I was thinking of trying the love dare again, but the last time it nearly ruined us. My husband had become convinced that i was trying to cover up an affair or worse.. i ended up telling him, showing him the book. And he requested. ( thats puting it politely) that i stop. So i did. This id better. I think. Just reminding your self about why you married.
Im not naive enough to think he will “return the favor”
Id still like to recapture some of what we once had. Not that we are shells now, but after 7 years its not like it was year one.
I would highly recommend the book ‘The Power of a Praying Wife’ by Stormie Omartian. God used that to transform me, which transformed our marriage.
Min too!
Yes–that’s a great book! We give away a lot of them to spouses in the military. Good, good stuff.
I hope God uses this in your marriage as he has in mine.
Beautiful reminder to get back to the essence of our promise to each other.
Wow–this is a challenging and motivating post. The words just flow out of your heart with wisdom, transparency, and grace!
Thank you, Ginger. I can’t take the credit–God gets it all.
My husband and I would have been married for 53 years on August 26 but he died in July 12. I wear his wedding ring around my neck on a chain along with my grandmothers , both my parents wedding rings. I’ll never take mine off because I still feel the same toward him now and the vows I took with him
Your marriage is a testimony of God’s goodness and grace, Sandy. I love hearing stories of enduring love, especially in this day and age. I am sorry you had to say good-bye to your husband, but what a gift your life together has been.
Kristen-
I just wanted to tell you how much this message affected me! I saw the link on a friends post on FB and was drawn to the title and what the article might be about. I have been using “Praying for Your Husband From Head to Toe” by Sharon Jaynes to pray for my husband but when I read this article I hurridly wrote down each of the questions you mentioned in my journal and have been looking to focus on several each day! I have been sharing this message with all the women that I know.
Thank you!
Thank you, Becca. May God be glorified! I love that you are praying daily for your husband and seeking ways to be a better spouse. God will bless that mightily.
Reading this was so heart warming. It is exactly what I needed to hear. I feel like our stories are similar in ways, and recently, I asked God to help me get our marriage back to how it should be. Well, I realize NOW, I was focusing so much on how he made me feel that I allowed myself to not hold up my end of the vows to the fullest.
Thank you for this post and may God truly continue to bless you, your marriage and your family.
It’s hard, isn’t it? We are self-centered, and it’s often easier to see the other person’s faults over our own. Someone once said that in marriage, there’s usually enough fault to go around. I try to remember that and work on my self first. God always blesses it, even if it’s not in the way I expected!
Such an important reminder. Thank you.
Thank you, Gretchen.
Thank you for your beautiful sentiment. We are working on our 30th year together and he is a trucker. I, too, can get comfortable without him bc i am used to being without him most times. But I know I am wrong in doing it.
You have my respect. That’s a tough life, but God has been good to give you 30 years together! May God continue to refine you and knit you together.
My wife is chronically ill, and I don’t think I’ve read a better article that I can put to use in being responsible in my vows to her, especially in her state. Thanks!
I’m so sorry your wife is ill, but I can’t think of a more beautiful way to show the love of Christ than to a bride who can do nothing in return (that’s an overstatement, of course; I’m sure she blesses your life immensely). I pray many people see His face more clearly for your testimony.
Truly beautiful and certainly a beautiful perspective. Oh how we take things for granted!
Thank you
What a sobering, beautiful, and authentic read. Thank you for opening up your soul and sharing so much of yourself and your marriage.
You are welcome, Mary. I hope God uses it to bless other marriages.
Oh, I love this post so much. I’ve been struggling with some of the same things you mentioned in your post, and not knowing HOW to make those things better. This was such an eye opener, a refresher.. a wonderfully written reminder of what my duties are as a wife, and how I can make my marriage stronger. THANK YOU for sharing this post.. thank you so, so much!
You are welcome, Miranda!
I like the message your sending with the taking off of the wedding ring to remind yourself, but what I don’t understand in so many marriage blogs is how people blame “life” for getting in the way. This is a constant thing I read about and its upsetting. Stopping to get milk is one of the ways I enjoy showing my wife love the most. I was not under any disillusion that after we said our vows and got married things were going to feel like the honeymoon forever. Perhaps because we got married at the age of 29 but definitely foresaw “life” happening.
However, other unforeseen things make this blog very inspiring. Thank you for sharing.
Yes, yes, and yes. Have been trying to get the magic back and this helps. Bless you.
Have missed your posts. Am I maybe not getting notifications or is this the first in a long time?
Last I read, you were in the process of adopting.
You have NO idea how much I needed to read this. I’ve been struggling. I’m hurting. I’m living with a roommate, the father of my children, rather than my husband. We’ve allowed complacency, hurts, PTSD, depression, to ravage our vows and now we’re two shells of ourselves, wearing rings and surviving the day-to-day. We had a prayer & worship night on Friday and I had to go and sit in a room and bawl and cry out to God for help. To open my eyes to HOW I can do better. How I can be a better wife and do more for our relationship. This has been heavy on my heart all weekend and then I read this. This is exactly what I needed to read. I need to remove my ring, I need to take action and retake my vows every morning before I face my day. Thank you for letting God speak mightily through you. Thank you for being open & vulnerable, you have now idea how much this helps.
A sobering reminder for all of us. Thank you for your openness, vulnerability and raw honesty.
I wish I knew and incorporated this into my life a long time ago. My husband died 3 1/2 years ago quite suddenly after 45 years of marriage. In the last few years of his life, I saw some changes in him that I mistook for sloppiness and simple forgetfulness. I became somewhat of a nag, to quote my daughter. I forgot the “in sickness and in health” part of the vows I made. I now no longer wear my wedding ring because I am no longer married. Thank you for this reminder; a spouse doesn’t have to be an ocean away to become a stranger and a lot of the “strangeness” is due to neglect of the spouse in the same house.
Meaningful insights. Thank you.
My husband and I both served on the military. Our marriage was strain.ed at times but we always returned to our vows our mission statement. Our pastor taught us that 3+2=1. These vows are easy to lose fight of without God. These vows are easy to fulfilled when God is the cdnter of the marriage. Each morning I picture us shoulder to shoulder in front of the Lords throne as described in Isaiah 6. I pray for God to allow me to see my husband through His eyes and to mold me to the wife He would have me be. God bless you both.
I love the way God does math! Thank you for sharing this.
A good lesson to learn early in your marriage. I am sorry I did not learn this to the fullest extent, although because we were headed to a life as Pastor & wife in Australia without our daughters, I was making an effort to be his loving, honoring and cherishing wife, rather than ‘the mum’.
So for 7 months, we became closer than ever before. Then he died.
I’m so sorry for you loss, Karen. One of the hazards of living out your vows is that it knits you closer together, so separations are even more keenly felt. I pray God will show you even more of his sweetness and grace today.
Thank you for sharing this. It is EXACTLY what I needed right now. After 10 years of marriage, a traveling husband and a third new baby, we have gotten ourselves into that routine where everything is just comfortable. It’s safe and secure but neither of us is making the effort to make it MORE or to strive for the intimacy we once had. Sure, it’s so much harder with a new baby but it’s been easier to just think “we’ll get back there eventually.”
This was so refreshing. We need to get back to that NOW. Not eventually. I will be printing this off and looking at it nightly as I pray for my husband and my marriage.
God bless you.
May God bless you both as you strive to honor Him in your marriage!
This is so incredibly beautiful. I am a young wife just married a little over a year. Some days, it’s so “easy” to be in love. But I feel convicted to pray that it shouldn’t be easy to love, because true love that honors and cherishes isn’t easy.
Thanks for sharing your story so honestly. You impacted my heart today. 🙂
Yes–true love that honors and cherishes isn’t easy. I wish it was, some days! But it is richer and deeper because it is hard-won.
oh Kristie you have done it again….what a challenge, and I WILL take your challenge. Feel free to ask me how it’s going. I’m going to print this off and contemplate those questions you ask.
Your honesty is so refreshing. Thank you for being my friend, an encourager, and inspiring me with your wisdom and insight.
Thankyou Kristen! It’s always a good reminder even after 36 years of marriage! Being the wife of a missionary its soooo easy to take the other partner for granted because you live and work in such close confines. Thankyou fir the challenge today! Xxx
Wow, Kristen. This was sooooo cool!
I was unable to wear my ring for about 10 years because my finger got too big and we didn’t get around to getting the ring re-sized.
I take it off at night so my circulation doesn’t get cut off. I also take it off if I’m doing anything crafty. There are some crafts and experiments (dyes) where wearing a ring might take off my finger (like Andean plying hand spun yarn).
Thank you Kristen!! For trusting God to bare your heart with the gifts He has given you. These words are a blessing and a reminder to truly live in Christ.
I miss you!
We are also active duty. 12 years, 6 kids, and 5 moves. This was an encouragement to me and a daunting challenge. Thank you for sharing. ☺
I deeply appreciate this post. While my husband isn’t in the military, he works very long hours and travels for weeks at a time. It’s easy for me to start just existing in my marriage. My heart is too full to express much more in a comment, but please know that you blessed me today.
Oh My! Lots to think about
Love this, Kristen. Thanks for sharing your heart.