I sat on the old plaid couch in my living room, nursing loud, slurping newborn twins in the presence of a dozen or so women who had come to my home for a baby shower.
It was awkward, to be sure, but I was too tired to care.
I had slept with the twins on me the night before, and the night before that. It was the only way they would sleep. When I put them down, they cried, and I cried too because my arms ached with holding them and my breasts hurt from nursing them and all I wanted was just a few seconds to have my body to myself.
But then the sun came up and I smeared concealer under my eyes and tried to hide my still-round figure under a maternity skirt and a once-flattering sweater. My hair, which had been falling out by the handfuls since the boys were born, spun in crazy spirals on my head, and a smattering of hormone-induced pimples blazed on my chin.
I sat there in the middle of dear friends and tried to appear normal. But I was on survival mode. Overnight, I had become the mother of five children, and I was reeling.
But there we were, just a few weeks after my babies were born, the incision in my abdomen still aching, celebrating the miraculous birth of my boys. It was miraculous, truly, and I had not forgotten. I was just so tired.
Maybe those dear women knew it. Maybe they could see right through the mascara. They did not come with silly games or demand details I didn’t want to share. As I nursed the twins, they quietly went around the room and gave me words of encouragement and advice.
Some of them did not have children, and their words were the kind that reminded me of the treasure I had in those sleepless nights.
Some had grown right out of motherhood, and theirs were the words that reminded me to cherish those baby grunts and the closeness of infancy.
Then there was the woman who obviously did not notice how tired I was, or how hard I was trying to keep it all together. That woman looked right at me, the newly minted mother of five, and said, “The best piece of advice I can give you is to spend time with each of your children one-on-one.”
Her words flooded over my already-drowning spirit. One-on-one? I didn’t even get to spend time with myself one-on-one.
It was ridiculous to expect that from me! Obviously, she didn’t remember the days when it was a triumph just to get the cereal served, and she could never understand what it was like to mother five children ages five and under.
I smiled politely, thinking I’d throw away that piece of advice after everyone left.
But I couldn’t.
Deep down, I knew the wisdom of her words. In fact, I longed to implement her advice. How I wanted to hold one child on my lap and listen to one child’s dreams.
It’s just that somewhere during those busy, little years, I began to view my children only as a collective whole. The days were so full. They all needed food and water and trips to the bathroom and noses wiped and clean underwear. It was easier to line them all up and get it done, assembly-line style, than it was to consider if any one of them needed a little more of me than that.
Of course, I knew my children needed more of me than that. They needed to be cherished, valued, and understood as individuals, not because they were my children, but because each one of them is my child.
I wanted Faith to grow up knowing that I liked her. I wanted Jonathan to be assured of the fact that I longed to spend time with him.
I wrestled with that advice for a few months. Then finally, I found a way to make it work in our crazy, busy life.
I gave each child one night of the week to stay up late with me. For fifteen minutes after bedtime, we did whatever that child chose to do. We made cookies or snuggled into my bed and read a book. We took walks in the neighborhood. We learned to draw. We made up leprechaun stories.
We made memories.
It sounds so precious but the truth of it is, it was hard. After attending to my children all day, I found it almost painful to give them even fifteen minutes of my attention. It was a sacrifice, an intentional sacrifice, to spend time with my kids one-on-one at the end of the day.
The only reason I didn’t give it up is because Stay Up Late Nights are one of the best things we ever built into our family culture. What started out as a way to meet my children’s needs for individuality turned into an answer to my unknown need to know them individually and to enjoy their uniqueness without distraction.
Stay Up Late Nights gave me that. It’s been years now since we started and most weeks, my children would say that their night–their Stay Up Late Night–was the highlight of their week.
It is the highlight of my week too because I need it. I need to remember that being the mother of five children is indeed hard.
But being the mother to Faith, Jonathan, Kya, Micah, and Paul is one of the best things in the world.
Oren says
Great post. By the time my kids go to sleep (at 9), I’m usually so exhausted, that all I want to do I crawl upstairs to bed, but you’re right. A 15 minutes where kids can have Mom or Dad to themselves sounds like essential parenting.
Kristen Glover says
It is a sacrifice, especially as a stay-at-home parent. Some days, you feel like you’ve already given EVERYTHING. And my kids go to bed earlier than yours!
Aprille @beautifulinhistime.com says
This is a beautiful post Kristen and I so love this idea. I had a harder time relating, simply because I have only one child who is incredibly extroverted and demands my constant one-on-one attention every day. I’m actually currently working to lovingly force him (well, perhaps a better term would be teach him) to develop the emotional and mental skills to play on his own and be separate from me because I am drained and exhausted, even from just the one child. I don’t know how I would manage with more!
Kristen Glover says
My friends with one child say the same thing. Their child’s needs are very different from my children’s. Usually, their child needs more interaction with others, while my kids want more interaction with me. Although, I have an extreme extrovert (God has a sense of humor) and he wants both. 🙂
Gayle Gardner Lin says
I’m a new great-grandmother of a precious little boy, yet the memories of my days as the mother of five (including a set of twins) still seem not so far away. I would go to the bathroom just to have a few minutes to myself. When I came out, they’d be sitting on the floor in a semi-circle, waiting for me. I know that many days I survived purely by being on autopilot.
Kristen Glover says
Ha! Mine wait outside the bathroom door too, asking questions under the crack in the door!
Heid says
Hi Kristen, saw this blog on the Moody mom page and read it. What a great idea. We have been doing this with my youngest son because we put the two older ones to bed for school and then try to do baths etc..with the two youngest ones. Sometimes it’s hard not to just think of them all as a whole…(we have four..two of whom we fostered and adopted but came to us when they were 4 and 5. Having 4 in two years has definantly changed our lives. 🙂 But, we love it! I want to try to implement his idea in our home. Thanks!! Also, did you go to Moody Bible Institute? Worked at PCM at Midwest church for Dr. Rascher’s Bible study youth?
Kristen Glover says
Yes! I graduated from Moody in the winter semester of 2000, and I was a part of the Filipino Bible study that met at Midwest Church. In fact, that’s how I met my husband. He worked with the Awana program and I worked with the youth from the Filipino study. It was the highlight of my week! Are you an alumna as well?
Tracey Harris says
I absolutely love this very special tip! I’ll be passing it onto my daughter, who is yet to have a family. I’d like to put together a small book of helpful ideas for her. Thank you sooo much for sharing! Much appreciated.
Kristen Glover says
I love the idea of making a book of ideas! What a special, thoughtful gift that will be.
Abbie (Five days...5 ways) says
Um. Yeah. I’m so ripping this idea off. Although…Della already gets to stay up later than her brothers by a little bit most nights because she’s the spoiled princess (you’ve seen her eyes! you understand!).
Great idea, friend!
Kristen Glover says
Yep. I would totally spoil Della too. But your kids are just heart-melters, every one. I see their pictures and I just want to give them each a puppy.
Jenn @ Beautiful Calling says
What a great idea! I have three children 2 1/2, 5, and a just-turned-seven-last week. My littlest is special needs and since his arrival, much of my day is about him even when it isn’t. This idea would be the perfect solution for my older two – I don’t know why I never thought of it.
{and yes, I have an inkling of what you mean when you say it was intentional sacrifice. When bedtime comes around, I am always ready for it. I’m exhausted!}
Kristen Glover says
I think it’s a special challenge when you have a special needs child or even just a high-maintenance child to find a way to give the other children their share of the attention. I love that you’re willing to try to find a way, even though your days are long and hard. But it is a beautiful calling (I totally stole that from your e-mail because I love it), and I’m glad you embrace it.
Faith Conaway says
When my kiddos were babies I achieved this by staggering their bedtimes by 15 min giving them each ind cuddle time. Now since my toddlers are in alternating preschools-one am one afternoon- i get lots of time with them but I am sure to schedule regular date nights with my 8 year old. Love this! It really is the key to getting to know your kids.
Kristen Glover says
Yes! I miss those staggered bedtimes!
gail says
What a delightful idea!
Lisa says
My husband’s parents did this when he was a child and he has mentioned more than once how much he and his sisters looked forward to their special nite. We have 8 children age 18 to 17 months. We did this for a time when the older ones were young, but somewhere along the line fell out of it. I’m considering doing it again with the younger ones. With my older kids I look for opportunities to take one with me on a Saturday to run an errand, or maybe to get something they need, and then stop for a coffee or some sort of treat. Sometimes I get my older daughter from school early and we go shopping. This really makes her friends jealous!! 🙂 Gives a little time together to talk and build those relationships.
Kristen Glover says
How neat that your husband’s family did this! I have never heard of anyone else who had this tradition so it makes me very happy to know how much it meant to him. We fell out of it for a time too, when we were busy with out move, and it was amazing how long the kids asked for it even after we explained that we wouldn’t be doing it again until we got settled. As they get older, we may do some of the things you’re doing with your older ones–taking them out for a special event, a shopping trip, or just a treat. It doesn’t take much!
Julie says
Thanks for this post. I also have 5 children ages 5 and under. I have a 5, 3, and 2 year old and 3 1/2 month old twins. I also struggle with alone time with each one. I’d like to try this!
I am happy to know another “me” exists and has survived. It is a full life, that is for sure, but full of wonderful moments.
Kristen Glover says
Your kids are the same ages mine were at that age. It is a whirlwind! But I’m still here to talk about it. Amazingly, so are they! 😉
Rachel Zupke says
Love it, mama! I am DEFINITELY going to do this, no matter how many kiddos we have. 🙂
Kristen Glover says
Go for 10!!!
Veralynne says
Love it! I wish I had had this advise when mine were small…now they are all grown up….(sniff, sniff) but I can pass this on to them so that they will know what it means to the center of moms world. Even if it is only one night!
Kristen Glover says
Absolutely. Even a little bit goes a long way!
Rachel says
Thanks for your honesty and humor! I have 5 as well and I am going to try this. My husband and I also take the kids out on dates and it is just amazing how different they are one on one- how their little personalities emerge from the arguing and whining and turn into smiles and giggles and silliness.
Kristen Glover says
Isn’t it amazing? I have found the same thing to be true. When they don’t have to compete for your attention, they turn into different little people.
Jami Balmet says
Wow, I love this advice! And I know a little bit about what you experienced lol. My twin boys just turned 1 in December but they are my first, not my 4th and 5th! My boys are Micah and Malachi 🙂 I love this advice and I think your idea of the 15 minutes is such a great way to give that little bit of extra attention to your kids, I needed this today!!
Kristen Glover says
Are they one already?! I remember praying for you when you were pregnant, and I love that you have another Micah. It’s a good twin name. 🙂
Natasha Metzler says
Love, love, love this.
Kristen Glover says
Thank you, Natasha.
grannymike says
My kids are long ago grown, but I love, love, love this. I only had two children but always cherished one-on-one time with each one. What a fantastic way to implement it with “only” fifteen minutes a day. Thanks so much for sharing this and for sharing it so sweetly and eloquently. I shared your link on my facebook and hope I have friends, especially young mothers, who will come and read your words.
Kristen Glover says
The small efforts really add up. As moms, we tend to over-complicate things, but then they become overwhelming so we don’t do them. I hope this is a way to encourage moms who really WANT to give their child individual attention, but don’t feel like they can make it work.
Melodiejoyful says
What a wonderful idea!
My 5 kids are getting older now (8,8,10,11,11); but it’s never to late to start something new; and having 1 on 1 time with my kids has always been a challenge, with them all practically the same age!
I think I will try integrating this tradition starting tonight!
Thanks 🙂
Kristen Glover says
It IS hard when they’re so close in age! I find that with my older two. They like to do the same things, so I have to resist the temptation to combine their one-on-one time. I have to remind myself that one-on-one time doesn’t count if there are three of us. 🙂
Faith Conaway says
I am in awe of your ability to make cookies in 15 minutes 😉
I love this idea. When my 3 kids were babies/toddlers I did something similar to this by staggering their bedtimes by 15 minutes. Everyone was ready for bed, but I’d put baby to bed with snuggles and rocking and lullabies, then the middle then the oldest. This gave me time to talk to each, pray with each, and give them snuggles. When they got a bit older it has kind of evolved. My two youngest are in pre-school at different times so I get one-on-one time with them, but the oldest I have date night with. I love this concept! It is crucial to knowing and meeting individual needs. Well done! (again)
Kristen Glover says
Do you know what we do with the cookies? We make up the dough, eat a few chocolate chips and a spoonful of dough, and then we’ll bake ONE tray. Sometimes, we don’t even do that. Sometimes, we just put the mixing bowl in the fridge and do it in the morning. My kids don’t care as long as they get to lick the beaters! But on the nights when I’m not in a hurry, we’ll go ahead and bake the whole thing and that way we get more time together AND I’m not tempted to eat the cookie dough that’s been left in the fridge. 🙂
Jessiqua Wittman says
This is a grand idea. Fifteen minutes a day. wow. I’m going to have to think on this
Kristen Glover says
It’s really all it takes. It’s like filling up their hearts one drop at a time.
Jennifer says
Thanks for this great post. It’s funny but I tend to treat my kids as one because there are only two of them. Also because they are both boys. And yet they are very different. I think I might adopt this idea. I also think that once they are both in full day school I would like to have a tradition of once a year taking them out of school individually for a special lunch/playtime with me. I’ve always thought that those things I can build into their lives where they will look back and say, “in my family we always used to…” are so important. My patents had lots of special traditions like that and I loved it.
Kristen Glover says
My dad used to take us flying one-on-one. We’d get to spend the day at the hangar, just the two of us, and then go up in the sky together. It didn’t happen very often, since he died so young, but I cherish those moments because they have ended up being some of my best memories of him. So, I love how you are looking for ways to make memories with them. You are such a good mom, Jennifer, always looking for ways to speak into your kids’ lives. It is an inspiration to me.
Symanntha Renn says
Once again I am almost in tears at the deep truth in your post. I would like to say my hormones are being crazy right now and that’s why I’m tearing up, but the truth is: I remember being overwhelmed with 1 child. I remember not knowing how I was going to make it, and I remember being so grateful that God did not give into my wish for Triplets. Twins run in BOTH sides of my family but its been a while since we’ve had new ones. A lot of family members thought I would have them. Thankfully God knew I only wanted/needed one baby and that is what he gave me. I thought having triplets would be awesome and I would be totally different from the rest of my family in an awesome way. I remember my Dad’s face when I told him I thought having triplets would be cool. He just said “You’ve only got 2 hands… how are you going to hold them??” Sorry for the long comment but your post brought up a bunch of memories and I wanted to share.
Kristen Glover says
I was overwhelmed with one child too. I have no idea why God gave me twins except that I needed that grace. If you read the story of how I found out I was having twins (there’s a link in this article) you’ll know what I mean. I did not deserve to have five kids, but God has been so good to me. I am so thankful He knew better than me, and I’m thankful for His sufficiency in my weakness.
Monica says
That is great advice, even though I probably would have taken it as you did at first. Kudos to you for making it work!!!! Spending time and getting to know our children as individuals is so important to building lasting relationships with them.
Kristen Glover says
You remember those early years with twins–oh my. And your husband was deployed for most of it, right? I don’t know how you made it.