A young and innocent Kristen Glover, banished to the Outside while her mother makes quiche
In the beginning, the first man and the first woman had two children. But the children were both boys so their mother felt like she had a dozen.
The earth was young and the boys were wild since they didn’t have any girls but their mother to tame them. They made weapons out of sticks and stale bread and pomegranate seeds. They chased the sheep and ambushed the chickens and managed to find mud in the desert.
They punched and wrestled and ran so much, some days their mother thought she might go deaf. Other days, she wished she already was deaf.
“That’s it!” the first mother shouted. “I’ve had enough!”
The boys stopped dead in their tracks and wondered if this might be the end of the human population increase.
But God looked down on the earth and had compassion on the first mother because she was the only woman in the entire world, which pretty much meant she was surrounded by savages.
So God looked out over the great expanse of all that He had made, but He couldn’t find any place in all that wild world that was soft and beautiful where a mother could rest. So He said, “Let there be an oasis in the middle of this great expanse, and let it be called ‘Inside,’ and let Us separate the ‘Inside’ from the ‘Outside.’”
So God put up four walls and a lovely flat roof and separated the Inside from the Outside. And God saw that it was good.
Then He told the mother, “You shall have dominion over all the Inside. You will put flowers on the table and crochet afghans for the bed and tame a cat to sit in the window.
“And you will lure the man Inside by baking things that smell good and occasionally undressing. Once the Man comes Inside, you will make him take off his dirty shoes and talk about his feelings.
“But if the Man leaves his greasy tools on your counter or uses your best knife to trim his toenails, you will send the Man Outside.
“And you will lure your children inside with bedtime stories and cozy blankets and sugar. You will teach them to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ and not to put their fingers in their noses.
“But if the Children shave the cat and turn your best tablecloth into a slingshot and release something scaly onto your bed, you will send the Children Outside.
“Then, you will sip a cup of tea, make quiche for dinner, and paint something.”
The woman smiled.
So it came about, after a surprisingly short period, that the Children spent a lot of time Outside.
And the Man built himself a garage.
Kya Outside, making weapons
This is hilarious! I am a young mother and I stay at home with my 18 month son & he is a non stop busy body! This story and your blog about picky eaters, helped me realize kids will be kids & men will be men. I am the only girl in the house so things get crazy lol but I feel blessed to have found your witty yet joyful blogs! Thank you <3
My pleasure!
My mother insisted that I check out your blog for two reasons, #1, you are an inspired writer, #2, we’re family! Sure, if you consider that my dad Ron and your husband’s Uncle Tim are cousins and best childhood friends, then that make us third cousins in law! Actually, that matters to me. I am finding that all around us families are crumbling, undermined by bad choices and bad behaviour. As far as I can see, marriages are coming apart, and our youngest generation cries themselves to sleep at night. But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. That make us a very obvious and lonely lighthouse, albeit a grateful and happy one. It’s so nice to see another “Family Member” sharing the same purpose.
I am still wife number one to a sweet man who has given me five wonderful children, all of whom are homeschooled. I am excited that after 19 years of homeschooling, (I started counting from the day the first was born), I am now two thirds of the way finished my homeschooling career!
Keep up the good work, and keep blogging. God is using you!
haha! great story!
This might be my favorite thing you’ve written so far…or at least that I have managed to read. 🙂 Thanks for the laughter you bring, it is always welcome.
Very good! 😀
I laughed, even though I have been cranky today.
I am the only woman in my house & this article made me smile! I am going to share it with my hubby:) Thanks for bringing another spot of joy into my evening!
I have a boy (and husband) – so cute! 🙂
LOL! Brilliant and funny!
Absolutely hilarious, brilliant, and out right fabulous!!!! As a mother of four boys I couldn’t stop laughing. Thanks for chuckle. I’ve said it once but I’ll say it again, you have a talent! No I am off to to the inside after having 10 minutes of quiet at a place called Starbucks…
Worth the wait 🙂 You have been conspicuous by your absence!
Laughing so hard there are tears in my eyes!!!!
So THAT’S why I love the inside!!! 🙂 Too funny!
Great, as always!!!!
I have 3 boys who are adept at weaponry, belching (and other bodily noises), and carrying dirt everywhere. They also love their mama big!
That’s great! I have two girls who are just as good at making weapons as their brothers. Also, my oldest daughter is the biggest culprit for bringing furry/jumpy/scaly things indoors and letting them go. I guess that’s what happens when I send them Outside! 🙂
I have a boy so I find this HILARIOUS.