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30 Days to Enjoying Your Children More: Boundaries {Day 26}

Welcome to our series! Find Day 1 here.

My roommate had beaten me to campus. That was obvious when I opened the door to my newly assigned dorm room and found someone else’s personal items strewn all about. Katie wasn’t there, but she had suitcases on both desks, clothes and bedding on the top and bottom bunks, and a random assortment of makeup and hair products filling up the sink.

A few hours later, Katie swept into the room. She was dressed like a gypsy and when she saw me, she squeezed me and told me all about herself in one big long gush. I liked her at once.

But we were not very much alike. Katie came from a home where the entire family often watched movies piled up together in one great heap on a tiny couch. In my home, that would have been considered torture. In Katie’s house, no one ever shut doors and no one ever asked to borrow anything because everything was up for grabs. They shared everything from clothes to water bottles to the latest information about everyone else’s business.

In my house, I had my own room with a door that I shut. Often.

When Katie used my lipstick and left her toothbrush on my desk or tried to fix me up with guys she knew, I did not know how to respond. I thought I would offend her if I told her that some of her behaviors bothered me.

So I did the least loving thing I could: I said nothing. I stayed away from the room and studied in the library and told myself I was sacrificing for her.

Of course, I wasn’t sacrificing at all. I was being selfish. I did not trust her to respond to my concerns in a loving way. I did not trust her to understand me, and I did not try harder to accommodate her. I simply avoided the situation by putting up one great big wall.

I was relieved when, after only one semester, I was able to get a single dorm room. My stint of living with an opposite personality was over.

But then I got married. Not long after, we began to have children. Lots of them. I found myself surrounded by six people who are not always like me. I also found myself tempted to put up walls when confronted with differences, instead of constructing healthy boundaries.

In fact, sometimes, I hold back from enjoying my children because I’m afraid of what might happen if I enjoy them. Will the entire house dissolve into chaos? Will they expect me to play with them all the time? Will they be able to get control of themselves when playtime is over? If I let them do this something this time, will they want to do it all the time?

Perhaps you’ve had some of those same thoughts, or resisted engaging with your children in certain ways because you know you can’t engage them that way all the time. That is where boundaries can be helpful.

Boundaries provide the parameters which ensure that the needs of every member of family are considered and respected. Boundaries validate the unique personalities present in a home and affirm the fact that it’s okay to need different things in order to be your best. They also ensure that each person’s needs are guarded by everyone else in the home, whether they share the same needs or not.

That creates an environment of trust. In a home with healthy boundaries, we can appreciate each other’s differences, enjoy unique or fun opportunities, and even venture outside of our comfort zones without being required to stay there. We can feel safe in expressing differing opinions without fear of rejection or giving offense because our boundaries can be adapted to include all types of people.
But establishing boundaries can be difficult, especially if you have not seen healthy boundaries demonstrated in your previous relationships. I have found the following things to be essential to the process.

First, boundaries must take into account the changing needs of every member of the family. That means that boundaries must be flexible. They are not laws or commandments or even rights. They change over time based on a variety of life circumstances. For instance, a family with a newborn will have far less boundaries than a family with a teenager. A family dealing with a disability or a traumatic event may have more boundaries than a family who is not facing those challenges.

Families change, so boundaries need to be flexible. Often, they require compromise. A family who is ruled by the boundaries of the dominant member of the household is not healthy. As you establish boundaries for your home, consider the fact that you may be living with someone whose needs are very different, yet just as important, as your own. It’s vital to consider the needs of others before yourself. If you don’t, your boundaries will quickly become walls which cut off intimate relationships instead of fostering them.

Second, boundaries must be communicated effectively and understood by all members of the family, particularly if the members of the family have different personalities. I do not need to tell my introvert daughter that she needs to knock before entering my room. She does that instinctively. But my social son needs me to explain to him that I shut my door because I need time to recharge, not because I don’t value his presence or desire to be with him. I tell him that by knocking on the door instead of charging through, he is showing me he loves me and cares about my needs.

It is tempting to fail to communicate our needs because we fear rejection. We have boundaries, but we don’t let anyone know what they are until it’s too late. Instead, we allow our loved ones to “discover” our boundaries when they cross them and we react in an unloving way. This does not create an environment of trust and security. Quite the opposite. It creates an environment of fear, like the feeling of living in a foreign country and being uncertain of the rules.

Be sure everyone understands the boundaries and why they are important. It is one thing to say, “Don’t come in my room without knocking.” But it is better to tell your children why you feel better when they respect that boundary, and how it helps you be a better parent. If you cannot think of any reasons why a particular boundary helps you to be a better person, then perhaps it is not a healthy boundary at all.

Third, boundaries need to be reinforced lovingly and consistently. Sometimes, I am lazy. I don’t reinforce a boundary until I am exasperated. I forget that the reason I have boundaries in the first place is so I do not become exasperated! It is crucial that I guard my boundaries before I become so emotionally involved that I cannot respond righteously toward my children.

It is not loving to allow my children to cross boundaries some of the time, but suffer the consequences other times. If I want to create an environment of trust, I must be consistent in upholding the boundaries our family has established. If I find that I cannot reinforce a boundary, or the boundary is no longer working to create a healthy home, then it needs to go.

Finally, boundaries need to be reciprocated. I cannot expect my children to respect my boundaries if I do not respect theirs. It’s as simple as that! But when every individual in a home feels safe to express his or her needs knowing they will be guarded by everyone else, it is easy to love and enjoy each other.

Do you find it difficult to allow yourself to enjoy your children? Perhaps it’s time to set some healthy boundaries.

Healthy boundaries create happy kids!

For further thought:

1) If you are living with a child or spouse who has opposite needs as yours, consider Philippians 2:3-4.

2) Did you have healthy boundaries in your home growing up? How did the effective or ineffective use of boundaries impact how you feel about yourself and the way you interact with others?

3) Evaluate how you’re doing in the four areas of creating healthy boundaries. Which area do you struggle with the most? What are some steps you can take to improve?

30 Days to Enjoying Your Children More: Results {Day 25}

Welcome to our series! Find Day 1 here.

My oldest was a pretty stellar Terrible Two. If Terrible Twos got awards, she would have earned top prize.

One day, she asked for a snack. I said, “Sure, let’s go see what we can find.” After a few minutes of near-tantrums because I dared to suggest something she had no intention of eating ever, I offered her a slice of cheese. This made her happy. I proceeded to slice the cheese and my child turned into a raving lunatic.

“No! Not that way! Not that WAAAAAAAY!” She yelled and threw herself against the floor. Apparently, my knife skills were sub-par.

“If you behave like this, you will not get any cheese,” I said.

“NO YOU DON’T!” My little darling thrashed against the cupboards. I scooped her up and plopped her in her crib, where she continued to spiral out of control.

I stood in the living room while she banged her crib against the wall and screamed at the top of her lungs. I was stunned. I had done nothing to provoke this kind of behavior from her. In fact, I had done everything right. Still, she responded with willful disobedience. Her actions had nothing to do with my parenting skills or lack thereof. They had everything to do with the sinfulness of her heart.

Later that day, when my Terrible Two was sleeping like an angel, I thought about how parenting is like a three-legged stool. My husband and I are one leg. God is another. But my child is the third. And sometimes, my child does not want to be part of a three-legged stool. My child wants to be a Pogo stick.

All the perfectly cut cheese in the world will not make that child compliant to the desires of the other two legs.

It is in those moments, when my child is not responding to my labors with an overgrowth of the Fruit of the Spirit, that I must remember I am not in charge of the results. That is a work of God. God must change my child’s heart.

How God chooses to work in my children’s lives is sometimes messy, frustrating, and discouraging. It does not always look the way I think it should. But the results of my work do not change my calling or my commitment to parent in a godly way. I labor diligently and faithfully because God has commanded me to do so. I love God. I love my children. He does all the rest.

Sometimes, He allows me to see the fruit of my labor right away. He gives me a child with a very moldable, sensitive heart and my good parenting almost always results in immediate good fruit.

But another child may have a very different disposition. I might struggle with that child on a daily basis, and I may never see him come to obedience. My heart breaks at the thought! I am tempted to cry out to God, “Please, don’t give me a child who will not come to know you!”

I have grieved so much over the hearts of my children that it borders on idolatry. The salvation of my children, and their hearts of obedience, mean so much to me that it threatens my faith in a sovereign God. I am tempted to work for them instead of for God, to hope and trust in their goodness rather than in the goodness of God. And that is idolatry.

I must trust the sovereignty of God more than I desire the salvation or sanctification of my children. I must follow Him even if my children do not. I must work for Him regardless of whether or not my children join me in my labors and give their lives in service to Him as well.

That is a hard word. That requires a level of faith and trust that aches. I must trust in the goodness of God concerning my children, even if that means He takes them over the long, hard road. Sometimes, He lets a child suffer the consequences of having a rebellious heart. He lets that child’s hardness break him, and He lets that child’s hardness refine me.

That, I find, is the hardest thing I’ve had to trust God for.

But it is also the best thing, because if I could work for the goodness of my children, and was guaranteed of the results, I would not need faith. Parenting would become a work, and I would subject myself once again to the slavery of a law I am incapable of fulfilling. I would be lost, and so would they.

I cannot save my children. I cannot even save myself.

The beauty and the agony of the cross is that salvation, and every other good thing on this earth, is a free gift of God. It does not come as a result of my works, even the good work of faithful parenting. It only comes through the work of Christ on my behalf. That is a perfect work, the results of which are guaranteed effective. Christ’s blood always purchases those for whom He died. My children are His to save, and His to refine.

When the results of my work are not what I expected, and my goodness to my children is returned unwanted, it is an opportunity to trust that God is at work for His greater glory. I do not always understand. I do not need to. My job is simply to be a faithful servant, and leave the rest to Him.

Sometimes, good parenting results in good fruit…

…and other times, it’s just plain messy.

Please join us tomorrow for Day 26: Boundaries

For further thought:

1) Read Ephesians 2:8-9. What good work can you do to ensure the faith of you children? This is a trick question.

2) When your children display ungodly behaviors, make it a habit to thank God for showing you their sin. It is better to bring sin to light than to let it harbor in the dark. You may feel like a parenting failure when you see these things. Instead, pray for wisdom to help your child grow in these areas.

3) Consider this verse as it applies to your work as a parent: “Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord, rather than for men knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance. It is the Lord Christ whom you serve.” Colossians 3:23-24

30 Days to Enjoying Your Children More: Work {Day 24}

New here? Click here to start at the beginning of the series.

The weekends were the hardest. That’s what I remember most about my first year as a mother.

The weekends were the hardest because they were the same as every other day of the week, and they were not supposed to be. Weekends were for sleeping in and lingering over breakfast and taking long walks and reading long books. Weekends were supposed to be mine.

But Saturday morning, the baby was up just as early as ever. There was laundry to be done and the grocery shopping to catch up on and meals to be made so I would be ready for the week ahead. Sunday mornings were a rush of trying to get out the door on time and keeping the baby away on the drive home so she wouldn’t mess up her afternoon nap. There was housework and homework and hardly ever a real break.

I sincerely believed I deserved a real break.

I was pouting about this one day (pouting in a very reverent, mature way, of course) when my husband stopped me. I expected him to say something sympathetic or rub my feet, maybe both. He had done those things before. But not this time. This time, he looked at me and quoted the Book of Job. “Who are you, oh man?” he asked.

I blinked.

“Who are you? So what if your life is a little hard right now? So what if you don’t get to do the things you think you should be able to do? Most people don’t! This is what God has called you to for this short season of your life! Who are you to question God?”

It was a completely absurd thing to say to a woman who had just worked a fifty hour week and still had to get up at 5:30 am with the baby. It was an absurd thing to say to a woman who had to drop out of seminary in order to take a job as a nanny so she could support her husband’s education and still take care of their child.

But he was right.

I had allowed myself to feel like a victimized by God’s plan for me. I had allowed myself to believe that this was too hard. This was too much of a sacrifice. This was not what I was made to do.

I had thought perhaps that God had a higher purpose for me because He had gifted me in ways I felt sure could bring Him glory. I did not think I was serving God enough just by being a mom. I felt there must be a higher calling for me—surely!—than just the plain old ordinary stuff of earth.

In my heart, I cried out to God, “You gave me these gifts! Why won’t you let me use them?”

The answer came: “You have no higher calling than the work I have called you to do.”

It does not really matter what someone else gets to do for God. It does not matter who He sends to Africa or gets to use her gifts in glorious ways. It does not matter what God has asked you to do if it is not what He has asked me to do.

The most contented mothers I know are those who are secure in their calling and purpose before God. It does not matter what their gifts are, or even what their desires are. Because of the fact that He gave them children, they understand and embrace the reality that God has called them to the ministry of motherhood.

Sometimes, that means they can use their gifts every day. Sometimes, it means they must balance how to use their gifts and care for their children. But often, very often, it means a dying to self, of giving back to God what was given to them and trusting that it will still be there when these years are through.

Every single mother I have ever met is gifted beyond what is required of her in her home. She has talents that go unused, abilities that are not recognized, and even spiritual gifts that she does not have time to use in the church. How can it be that nearly half of the population wastes these treasures in order to raise children?

Because it is the work that God has called us to for this time and for His great purpose. The fact that we do not always get to use our gifts does not mean that there is nothing more to us than motherhood. It means that we are willing to set those aside in order to be obedient to what God has called us to now.

Does that mean that I cannot work outside the home or go to school or pursue my dreams? Of course not. I would never be so bold as to limit God’s will for any person. But I do know this—if you are a mother, you will never find a higher calling than to invest in the lives of your children and it may very well be that God is asking you to let Him guard your dreams while you do the work that is ripe for this moment.

It is hard.

It is hard because I forget that I am a slave. I know I am adopted and I am a daughter and bride of Christ. But still, fundamentally, I am a slave of Christ. My life is not my own. I have been bought—redeemed, yes, but bought nonetheless. My good and loving Master gives me the work He wants me to do. No matter what the task, great or small, I cannot glorify or please Him at all unless I do what He requires of me.

I must understand that whatever He asks me to do is His highest purpose for me! The work He has given me is my ministry to Him. It is my sacrifice of obedience. It is my highest calling.

Sometimes we miss what God has for us, not because we do not think big enough, but because we are not willing to bend low enough.

I am a slave. When I come to Him, seeking His will, it should be with hands outstretched, ready to do my Master’s will, even on the weekends. My prayers should be of openness and humility. “Please, show me what you would have for me to do today.”

It could very well be that your job today is to do the laundry and make the lunches. Be willing to accept that, and you will find great peace and contentment as you go about your work today.

There is no higher calling than to do the work God has appointed for you.

Please join us tomorrow for Day 25: Boundaries

For further thought:

1) Read Luke 17:9-10. How should be think about recognition in regard to our work? How should we feel about doing the lowly things that come with our responsibilities as mothers?

2) If you find yourself frustrated with the daily and mundane aspects of motherhood, meditate on this verse. Hold it dear to your heart and consider that you are pleasing God the most by doing what He has asked of you. “Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord, rather than for men knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance. It is the Lord Christ whom you serve.” Colossians 3:23-24

3) Perhaps you have gifts you have not been able to use for God. Why is it okay to give them back to God for this season? Can you trust Him to return them when the time is right, and give you opportunities to use them in the future?

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