“Why do you want more kids?” people ask me when they find out we’re planning to adopt. “Don’t you think you have enough already?”
I don’t know how to answer this question because I don’t know how many kids is enough.
Do I have enough kids to drink all the milk before it goes bad? Yes.
Do I have enough kids to make our own basketball team? Yes.
Do I have enough kids to finance our orthodontist’s dream trip to the Caribbean? Yes.
So…is that enough?
I find myself stumbling over answers because the question is all wrong. It infers that the reason for having children is to fulfill something in us, and people should only have the minimum number it takes to be personally satisfied.
When people say to me, “Don’t you have enough kids already?” the assumption is that I am somehow unfulfilled by the number of children in my home now. I need more children in order to be happy, and isn’t that selfish and irresponsible of me?
Why on earth would I want more?
The simple answer is, I don’t want more kids.
I do not want to add broken children to my manageable home. I do not want to risk my own children’s emotional or physical safety in order to take on someone else’s “problem.” I don’t want to pour my heart into a child who might hate me in return. I don’t want the lice. I don’t want the attachment disorders. I don’t want the sexual aggression, the lying, stealing, manipulating—any of it.
I am not lonely, or bored, or in need of affirmation. I don’t want more kids because I have some kind of superhero complex, or because I’m such a great mother. I don’t want more kids because somehow, five kids is not enough. Oh, no. Five kids is enough, and some days, I am not sure I can handle one more.
(Of course, I said that when I had one. And I said it when I had three. And now I have five and I really, really think it’s true this time.)
I don’t want more kids because I think I can handle more. I know the truth: in my own humanity, in my own weakness, I can’t.
I cannot love more than enough children. I cannot have Christ-like compassion for the child who shreds me with her brokenness. None of us can.
What wrecks me is this: God doesn’t seem to be particularly interested in what I can handle. He seems to care more about what He can handle.
And that just blows the question out of the water. At the end of the day, fostering is not about me. It’s never been about me. It’s not about my ability as a mother, my desires as a human being, or even my comfort level as an American.
It’s about what God has called me to do through His power working in me to love my Savior by loving His children. It is the thing that makes the “wanting to” irrelevant and the “able to” inconsequential. God wants, and God is able. That is enough.
Enough kids
Do I want more children?
The only people who ask that question are clearly not God because that is not a question God ever asks.
God does not ask if we want to love unwanted children (James 1:27). He doesn’t even have the consideration to ask us if we’re able to. With all the audacity of the Lord of the Universe, He assumes that if we’re breathing, we can do better than just think of ourselves and do for ourselves because He did better, and it is His power at work in us equipping us to be and do like Him. Not our strength. Not our ability (Ephesians 3:20).
It’s scary to believe it. I do not like to jump into the unknown and hope to heaven I land on supernatural wings. I am afraid, and that fear would make me turn tail and run if not for this: my fears do not excuse my obedience to God.
Fears are the stuff of shadows anyway. Worst-case scenarios rarely happen. The worries I toss about in my head are minor in comparison to the actual, horrific suffering of real children, right now.
I look at my home, my godly, patient husband and my compassionate, loving children, and I know that I cannot allow imaginary hurts to keep us from infusing living hope into a child’s present, perpetual, real-life.
That doesn’t mean hurts won’t happen. We will do everything we can to prevent them, but love doesn’t always come out clean. Our five kids might feel the sting of it
But for our sixth child, it will hurt much, much less. Infinitely, eternally, less than life hurts now.
That is the thing that keeps me pressing forward when my heart fails. Do I want more kids? No.
What I want is to get to the end of my wants. I want to get to the end of controlling and taking on only what I can do. I want the immense privilege of seeing what God can do through me. That fills me with unspeakable, illogical joy at the prospect of being used as He wills. I have a Christ-like love for a child who is not my own and all the anticipation of Christmas at the gift—the privilege—of being his mother, no matter the cost.
Why do I want more kids?
That is why.
Dear Kirsten
I admire your faith. May God always hold you in the palm of His hand.
Pearl
You have spoken my feelings so beautifully. Loved reading this today.
Thank you, Jenny. God bless you and your family!
So wonderfully written. This too is how I feel. We have seven children with six living at home. Simply beautiful.
Thank you so much, Michelle. We are still in the process of adding to our family, and the waiting is hard sometimes. I appreciate your encouragement!
This post speaks my heart… I have said these same words as we have begun our journey through adoption. I’d love to be able to share with the world, but for now I’m super protective of this calling… thank you for sharing. You truly blessed me and encouraged me!
Thank you, Bethany. I hope God opens the doors for you and you are able to bring a child into your home through adoption. The need is so great, it sometimes overwhelms me. But if we each can help do one thing–even a small thing–to help, it will make a huge difference in the lives of so many kids. God bless you on your journey!
how is the foster/ adoption process going? Thinking of y’all and curious for an update! 🙂
lily
Thank you for that Word-Filled reminder…you encourage me…your sister in Christ, in NH
I really have nothing worthwhile to say, but this post touched my heart so deeply, and spoke what my soul wants to say.
Thank you for sharing it. <3 <3
Being new in this world of Foster Care I have already replied many times, “I wouldn’t say we WANT to foster., but…”
Thank you so much for stepping out in faith and doing what God is calling you to do!! We have 2 biological children of our own and are planning on foster-to-adopting as soon as we can. Thank you also for your service to our country–my husband was in the Coast Guard and my heart just goes out to any family who’s Daddy has to deploy. I’ll be praying for you as you go through all these steps, and don’t listen to any of the words of the enemy that might come your way, just keep focusing on God and what He is calling you to do!!
Could not have said it better! We get a lot of questions too with 4 children (2biologic, 2 adopted via private adoption) and now have a license to do foster care. Some things are hard to put into words in an attempt to explain what the heart feels- sometimes I can’t even communicate my desire to foster to close friends b/c the words are hard to find! My mom explained to me that its difficult to explain b/c it is a calling I am feeling. Makes sense to me. Good luck on your journey- the system is certainly frustrating but there are some great children out there. Heard a good quote to remind yourself on the hard days—- As long as you have a person who is trying to help others, there is no such thing as failure.
Absolutely perfectly written. Thank you for this incredible truth, challenge, and encouragement.
I agree with almost all of this. The part where we differ is it isn’t only about me or the current kids in my home, it is about the kiddos we are asked to take in. I had to fight the “I am the only home that can love them well syndrome”. God wants me to seek him and the rest will follow, adding a kiddo or moving them along to a home that is better equipped for that child.
I would like to share some disagreement. My family and I recently traveled to Colombia in an attempt to adopt a child that was older than our very young bio boys. We were her foster parents for one week while in country. We accepted her referral on the basis of a special need that she had not ONE symptom of (of course we did not know this until we traveled and actually met her)… instead was sexually aggressive, physically aggressive and did not want to be adopted, among other things. I think the blogger needs to consider how much easier it is to say you would put a child with these behaviors with your bio kids before the foster child actually acts out on one of your younger very vulnerable children. The effects are devastating. Our adoption was never completed. I do not think that this was outside of God’s will for our family. It had nothing to do with it being too hard for our family, and everything to do with deception on the part of the government and agencies who prepared the child’s referral. I am currently working on a PhD in international psychology and I also currently work in foster care as a mental health therapist. I certainly understand the ramifications of all that has been mentioned and I do not know a single colleague who would agree that it is wise to keep a sexually aggressive older child with younger ones. In fact, had we formalized the adoption of this child and brought her to the U.S., she would have been reinstitutionalized here, hardly saving her from any additional trauma, but rather compounding it in a country where she knew no one and did not speak that language. I intend to use our horrifyingly negative experience for good through my dissertation and professional work. This could be God’s will as well. There are many ways to care for the orphan.
Once you have to face the effects of a foster child acting out on a child sexually and aggressively, one may exercise more sensitivity with this topic.
Thank you. Your contribution is very important here. I hope it helps others discern God’s will.
This is so powerfully and beautifully written. Blessings to you and your family as you embrace a child who will be so lucky to call your home, his home.
I am the mother of seven mostly grown kids,five of whom are adopted. We have experienced the hate, the lice, Fetal alcohol syndrome and attachment disorders. But we’ve also experienced many joys,and would do it all over again. What I would like tosay to the adoptees is that adoption is always a very conscious choice, especially when adopting older children. By the requirements of the adoption system parents examine their lives and the lives of the children they hope to adopt. However, I can tell you that the minute the referral picture was placed in my hands and I looked on that face, that child became mine with all the fierce love I had for my birth kids. I have had those tedious and unanswerable questions many times. I can only tell you that I knew from the time I was 12 that this is what God put in my heart and it wouldn’t go away even through the hard stuff. We do want you, but part of that is choosing to want you. God bless. Marcia
Truly blessed by your article. It says what I feel and want others to hear. We have 5 bio and 6 adopted children. Spreading the fire of God’s heart for the orphan is my passion.
I just wanted to thank you for your post!! I, too, had 5 kids & felt God’s call to adopt back in 2007. NO ONE understood when I already had 5 kids. We adopted a little girl from Kazakhstan. The only thing that kept us going was doing God’s will & providing for one of His kids. I had an emotionally chaotic adoption that took three years. You summed up everything I felt during that time. We had little support, even through our church. About a handful of friends & our family did encourage us though. I wish I had this post during that time. I will be sharing your story (hope that’s ok) and thanks again!
amazing!!! Loved every single word!!!
So glad my wife forwarded this to me. I strongly believe that Christians miss God’s plan because our own plans come first. God cares about orphans He doesn’t seem to care about our reasons for not helping. They might be a burden…so what? We need to except that we need to do hard things.
Thank you, thank you for articulating it so well. We went into foster care with the hopes to add to our family through adoption. After a few placements, we received children with special needs, though we were not told prior to accepting them into our home! We stuck with them through some very hard times and grew to say “I guess it’s just not about us”. When we were so, so weary, we would say “we did it for them”. Seven months after adoption day I can say that God continues to work in our family and is bringing us closer together.
That is absolutely beautiful!!
You said this so beautifully. We have adopted sibling sets out of foster care twice now. I frequently get the comment, “I don’t know how you do it.” I don’t know how to answer because frankly I don’t do it. I was a self-sufficient person who did a lot of things, and God has brought me to where I am flat on my face living by his grace moment by moment. It’s not about me…and when I make it about me, things go downhill fast. Blessing to you!
Thanks, this helps me with perspective as a stepmom. Flat on my face, living by grace. And it can’t be about me. Thanks, that helps.
Thank you for posting this! We have five birth children and then my husband and I decided to do foster care. We ended up adopting a sibling group of three little boys. We are now one week away from adopting our youngest, a little girl. That puts us at nine kids and people are always asking us if we have “enough”.. It makes me frustrated sometimes to talk to people who think that this is all about me and fulfilling some need in me. It is not easy, or comfortable, or rewarding. It is scary to subject your children to the craziness, like you said. It is hard and we have struggled as a couple and as a family. BUT, we know that this is the work of GOD and that we are only able to do it through HIM. We do not stress ourselves out because it is fun. We didn’t go buy a 12 passenger van because it looks cool. We didn’t buy a 10 foot table because we could afford it. We do it because it was asked of us by God. We sometimes, (selfishly), look around and wish that our lives could be as simple as those around us. It isn’t a question of it being enough. Like you stated, we thought we had our hands full when we only had three! Thank you for putting words to my thoughts all along! The reality for these kids is WAY more important and disturbing than my comfort level. thank you for seeing it and hearing God and obeying Him. He will continue to bless your family for it! And though you wouldn’t know it from this post, He has blessed us in ways we would never have imagined!! And my children too!! Thank you again for the real truth of the matter!
Oh, amen! This is beautiful! We are a bio/adoptive/foster family, currently with 7 children ages 8 and under. Our two foster girls are 3 yrs and 2 weeks. We just were told they’ll be going soon… To a situation that doesn’t feel the best to us. Does it make sense that we think we can/want to keep them instead? No! We’re crazy exhausted, but without a doubt, God is showing Himself strong in this situation. It is only through Him we can do this.
When we don’t have foster children or recently adopted children or a whole bunch of crazy going on, that is when I find myself guilty of trying to “do it all myself”. And that’s when I seem to fail the most. When we allow God to work through us, it is amazing what He uses us to accomplish for His kingdom. What a privilege to get to be a part of it!
God is good!!
Perfectly articulated. Thank you for saying what needs to be said. and for rendering my heart on the screen exactly as I would have. I have copied and pasted (and linked) to your article… so that our family and friends can read your words and maybe understand a little better and also invited them to come to your blog and pray for your family! Thank you.
~ Paige
Oh, friend. This is perfect. Rest assured I will be quoting you very soon in a post of my own. And, yes, I should be napping. 🙂
I love this article! I am a mother of 14 children, 8 of whom are adopted through foster care. People are always asking if we are done, and when I say I’m not sure, they are shocked. It is for the very reasons in this article that I say that. We didn’t go searching to adopt 8 children. God laid them at our feet by fostering them. We have long ago left ourselves at the foot of the cross. If God sends another child (ren) in need, we will probably not say no. We also moved into an at risk neighborhood for the same reasons. Our lives belong to Him, and our joy comes from being obedient to the kingdom call. Though we have had much heartache, we persevere. It is worth it…..
This is perfect, thank you. As a future adoptive parent, this expresses exactly the way I view adopting children.
Yes. Exactly. Thank You. I have 7 children. One was adopted through foster care. Thank you for this timely post to a mother who would like to be done but just isn’t.
I am sorry you were hurt by what she wrote, understandably so. But before you assume her article means she would care less for her adoptive kids than her bio kids, you should go back in the archives and get to know her a bit better. She has written blogs about how she didn’t want to be a parent period initially (when prego with her first) and yet how God has changed her and grown her and placed such a deep love for her kids in her heart and now she wouldn’t change being a mother for the world. This post is very similar to that one as far as I can tell and it seems she is trying to communicate that adopting isn’t about selfish desires but because you love a child and want them to be a part of your family.
I have a few things to say, you have no idea what you’re talking about. Have you adopted yet? Are you adopted? Because knowing someone who is adopted or reading some “So, you want to adopt!” full-of-crap-book is not good enough. You have no right to say what you said, it doesn’t make sense at all, by the way, in case you haven’t realized it yet, I’m adopted. Another thing you’re wrong about is saying that you don’t want to be a mom again and that it’s God who is ‘making’ you be one. What the heck is that supposed to mean? You don’t want to be a mom, again, we get it, but if you feel you have to adopt to make God happy or help the world by doing so, you’re wrong. If you feel or believe that you are adopting to please or do as God wants, then you shouldn’t adopt. I hope you read this and really think about what I said. I’m not trying to be mean, I’m just upset by what you said, and I hope you really you think about what I said, for the sake of your own family.
I am sorry you were hurt by what she wrote, understandably so. But before you assume her article means she would care less for her adoptive kids than her bio kids, you should go back in the archives and get to know her a bit better. She has written blogs about how she didn’t want to be a parent period initially (when prego with her first) and yet how God has changed her and grown her and placed such a deep love for her kids in her heart and now she wouldn’t change being a mother for the world. This post is very similar to that one as far as I can tell and it seems she is trying to communicate that adopting isn’t about selfish desires but because you love a child and want them to be a part of your family.
Hi, I am a mom of 7 kids. The three oldest are bios the four youngest are adopted. I let my 18 year old read this post and give me her opinion. She also thinks that your child will feel unwanted if they are allowed to read this. I have to agree with her. I believe that if someone is going to adopt that the parent should never refer to their new child as anything other than their child, they may come into to the family in a different way but none the less they are your child! Also I believe that God himself gives us the desire to have another child whether it is bio or adopted, their is no difference. I believe that if someone feels that there is a difference between bio and adopted kids they should not adopt! If anything, I feel that if you truly love your child you will be even more protective of the adopted child because they have already been through a trauma in their lives before you where able to stop it. I can not tell you how many times-even in front of my kids-I have been asked how many of our kids where my own and how many where adopted, If you put yourself in the shoes of your child you would understand how horrible and detrimental this question really is. It attacks the very foundation that their life is based on. The security that we work so hard to build has the possibility of being crushed if these questions continue and even worse if we as parents somehow feel that it is true. The other comment that I also hear over and over is that somehow I am this very great person and God will bless me, well my answer to that is that God has already blessed me , he has given me 7 children and children are a gift that is sent to us from God himself. This isn’t a job it’s my blessed life. A true gift from my heavenly father!!
I agree with your remarks. An adopted child would easily misread this. However, I think the author wasn’t talking about not wanting a “particular” child, but just about not wanting “more” in an effort to fill some unmet need in her life. But being a mother of 5 adopted children, it does make me sensitive to the “not wanted” phrase. These children already struggle with feeling not wanted. We must never feed that. They are our treasures. I tell mine that often. Beautiful gifts from God.
I sat and read this feeling you get me! I have six children and four are adopted from Foster Care. I get asked all the same questions, people just think it is wrong or selfish. Working this hard to love and care for my children is in no way a fulfillment, it is what God wants me to do. At times the pain of a mothers disappointment and hurt is so great it is the hardest job in the world. It can feel lonely when people think it is strange that we adopted instead of a sacrifice that God has given us the opportunity to have. I do get happiness out of seeing my children be happy and do well in school. I will change the life of each one of my children and that brings me great joy! Without Gods help I would not be able to do anything!
This is so well said! When I read it, I had to share w FB friends.
Our family has been blessed with a beautiful Russian princess (now 6), and are fostering two siblings (now 15 and 6). None of this was anything I planned in my younger days. I am burdened for children in need. It is a deep longing to make a difference, however small, for His Kingdom.
There are many days I wonder what I am doing. Good thing it’s not about me…it’s about my Lord and HE can do anything. I’m thankful He allows me the privilege to serve Him in this capacity.
I can relate with what you said in this post. Thank you for sharing!
I really love your perspective on this. I also have five and I feel very much the same way – it had so little to do with what I “want” and yet at the same time God gives me grace for my desires and His desires to match up, at least some of the time…
— we have been part of God’s adoption work for 20 plus years now ( we have three bio kids and nine adopted kids from six countries ) and we have seen many real miracles…( including many opportunities that we would have never anticipated to share our story with the world.) My wife sent me this to read and it still rocked my world. Yes – in the end it comes down to simple obedience. Keep on this path , as Francis Chan often says “it will all be worth it in the end”…Mike
You get it, you got it… yes, yes, yes,… God is the center of everything we do. When people call themselves Christian and then say, “what I want” “what WE want” and on and on… they just don’t get it. Nothing is about us, its ALL about his Glory, his will, his kingdom.
Thank you for sharing your heart and wonderful gift of writing!
so well written. you shared so.very.perfectly. what most of the adoptive families I know feel. thanks! xo ellie
Beautifully said! May the Lord continue to make grace abound in you!
Mom of 13
THANK YOU! Lord bless you all!
What a wonderful reminder that God doesn’t need us to do his work, but allows us to be a part of it.
My family and I have just finished our first journey with our first Foster placement. I know these questions all too well. It is a joy to hear stories from others who have the same heart.
Thank you for sharing!
Yes!! Loved reading this. We are the parents of 21 children — 17 of these adopted. This was my response to this question in January. http://kmrosenow.wordpress.com/2014/01/27/when-is-enough/
God bless your adoption journey.
Thank you, thank you! From an exhausted mother of a 2 year old and a 4 month old, who hopes to have more children in the future despite my inadequacies and exhaustion.
I am SO SO SO in love with this post. SO beautifully articulated. Thank you! As we are one year into the wait, I understand trying to answer the same questions!
If my adoptive parents had said or thought any of the above about my adoption into the family, I would have been devastated. As an adoptee, I find attitudes like the one found in this post extremely worrying. I do understand that the author is well-intentioned, but could maybe do with considering things from her potential future child’s point of view. Adopting (especially from foster care) comes with a number of challenges for adoptive parents, but most especially for the adoptees. Anyone choosing to parent these children should not be doing so as an act of Christian charity. Imagine how whatever child is adopted would feel upon reading this article – and one day they will – especially as the author lists all the very real adoption issues that she clearly states she has no desire to confront or have in her home. I appreciate that she is coming from a place of love and a desire to help – that is admirable. However, entering a lifelong commitment to a (likely) already damaged child as an act that you hope helps better yourself and your relationship with God is definitely not putting the child’s very real needs above your own. I get concerned when adoption is presented as a sacrifice on the part of an adoptive parent and that was how I felt from the tone of this particular piece. The author seems to have a poor opinion of potential adoptive children, already differentiating them from “her own children”, and her comments about lice and sexual aggression just add to the ‘savior’ tone of the piece. She already seems to regard her biological children as superior to whatever child she adopts. Sadness is inherent to all adoptions whether an infant is relinquished or an older child is removed from a bad family/home situation. No child asks to or wants to find themselves in that situation. I feel that when adoptive parents feel that they have so much to offer a child or are ‘saving’ a child, there is often (not always) a paralleled expectation for that child’s undying gratitude and indebtedness – more so than is expected from their biological children. Hence why I think that feeling called to adopt is simply not enough. Someone needs to truly desire and want this child – no strings attached – not merely feel an obligation to care for them through faith or circumstance. Imagine this piece written about a biological child. I don’t think anyone wants to be brought into a family on those terms.
Dear Lisa,
Thank you for drawing attention to the fact that we as “Mamas” need to be considerate of all people involved in these situations. As a mother to eight childen, five non-biological, I wanted to share a few things. Adoption and foster care run generations deep in our family. So I hope to present this from a point of view that might be better understood by all parties. I also want to say I recognize that all foster and adoptive familes are not created equal, but this is coming from a woman who seems to have her heart in the right place. Her motive is not for money or self glory and I think that’s what she’s trying to convey. It wasn’t that SHE “wanted” more. It wasn’t that she was bored or need self affirmation. She simply put her “wants” aside and acknowledged that she might offer her family and home to a child who didn’t have that. It also draws on the fact that she needs more strength and support from more than herself. “We can do better than just think of ourselves and do for ourselves because He did better, and it is His power at work in us equipping us to be and do like Him.”
“Imagine how whatever child is adopted would feel upon reading this article – and one day they will – especially as the author lists all the very real adoption issues that she clearly states she has no desire to confront or have in her home.” “I get concerned when adoption is presented as a sacrifice on the part of an adoptive parent and that was how I felt from the tone of this particular piece.”
First, it is hard for EVERYONE involved. She’s not saying she has no desire to deal with these things. Contrary, she is saying she is willing to do the job. Many people paint a rosey picture of foster and adoptive situations. Sometimes people have the attitude of “look at me, I saved a kid”. Many people fail to count the cost before fostering and the children pay the price for that. With discretion and permission of our son, I share our very real struggles so that potential parents may know the truth. It is a hard job and we need to support each other. We talk openly with our teens about these things she “doesn’t want”. It is a sacrafice to everyone involved. EVERYONE. Maybe more to some than others and every situation is different but it is never easy for anyone…and that must be recognized. But often the responsibliity falls on the Mama. She must keep peace with biological parents, love and care for the child, all while maintaining the balanced home, presenting it in a manner that doesn’t offend anyone involved….or some neighbor. It’s an incredible responsibility. It doesn’t hurt Mama’s to stop and acknowledge the sacrafices made. No it’s not the focus of care, but I nearly come to tears when people genuinely acknowledge the exhaustive effort it takes. I also despise comments about how wonderful I am, because I fail miserably all the time. I don’t always feel like being selfless. Sometimes I just want to sleep through the night or eat a meal without getting up. I don’t even know how to respond because the praise is awkward to me.
“However, entering a lifelong commitment to a (likely) already damaged child as an act that you hope helps better yourself and your relationship with God is definitely not putting the child’s very real needs above your own.”
I don’t think most people go into fostering and adoption to become better people. God gave us a selfless love when he sacraficed his Son for us. Sometimes amazing things happen inside your heart when you are able to give that selfless love to another person….it feeds more love. I think parents grow spiritually and emotionally as a result of loving children and this is a by product of a win-win situation. Ideally, hearts begin to heal and hearts grow in ways they didn’t know were possible. But just because the adoptive mom gets a bigger heart doesn’t mean she’s not helping the child. The Christian life is the only race where you get ahead by helping others. Don’t misunderstand her to say she is helping someone so she can get ahead.
It’s not an obligation to religion. But the truth is, they do have something to offer. They can offer stability, primary needs being met, perhaps some wants and desires, yes this comes at a cost to the child. Yes, the child has to suffer through relocation, grief, loss, and no child deserves that or the circumstances that brought them to the trenchs in the first place. And yes, I have seen parents expect gratitude from children. But the ones who give selfless love because thats what they have been shown by a Heavenly Father, are not those parents. They are the parents that recognize the struggles that lie ahead and are ready to go into the trenches with their children, to grieve with their children, and to heal with their children.
I don’t think she meant to present these children as a burden but as a defense when skeptics ask. It is very much a labor of love. One that really doesn’t have tangible rewards. The only thing a Mama can gain is realizing that she changed the life of one child. If she is given this “reward”, it doesn’t negate that fact that a child is changed and healing. She made it bearable for one child. It gives her the strength to help another. The lives of these children are hard. It takes a very strong, loving person to parent them. Please understand that this is not to downplay the childrens hurt because it is always greater than the parents. But this article was meant to support the parents because without support, no parent is able to be what they need to be for that child. It takes a support system for all involved to come out the other side better than when they started.
I’m sorry this offended you. I’m sure she didn’t mean to. Just trying to defend herself to others who find it their responsibility to “warn” her of the “dangers” lurking in foster care. Something happens when you open your home to children other than your own, people think they are welcome to give you their unsolicited input and warnings. She wasn’t tring to make children feel like a burden or second best, just merely stating that she was going to need God’s help and to put her selfish desires aside for the sake of a child.
I think Lisa’s comment is so important. It is not the place of the adopted children to understand where their parents are coming from when they read stuff like this. The point is that it hurts to know that you were not desired simply as a child coming into a family, but rather the means by which someone wants to fulfill a perceived biblical command (I say perceived because I don’t believe the verse in James specifically means adoption as we think of it today in our society, but rather caring for widows and their children as a unit).
There’s no doubt that adoptive parents need a forum to discuss their thoughts, feelings and challenges, but stuff like this doesn’t belong on the internet. I’ve seen so many articles and posts like this and the comments and responses from adoptees are almost never good–and their thoughts are what matters the most.
Thank you so much! We are now a family of ten children. We never intended to become foster or adoptive parents but God had completely different plans for our family. It has not been an easy journey but we know it is the path He wants up to travel. Responding kindly to the “helpful” input of others is sometimes difficult and I appreciate your insight. We have heard so, so many times “Are you adopting again?! or “Is that another one of ‘those’ kids?” I want to scream, “YES!! DARN IT! Another broken little one is joining our family so we can try to put the pieces of his/her life together and help him/her heal and discover life can have joy and not only pain. Do you have an issue with that? Oh, and by the way if by ‘those’ kids you mean God’s beautiful children then, the answer is yes.” Yep, not a exactly a godly answer. Thank you for putting my feelings into words. Blessings on your growing family!!!
Thank you for your well articulated yet grace filled reply Lisa. I couldn’t agree with you more.
Ad an adoptive family member, I find the original article extremely disturbing.
I understand what you are saying completely, I can only say how our daughter came to us, I was her daycare provider and her biologicals were separating and asked (seriously) did we want her…. I was in no way doing this to save anyone. I was already in love with our “daughter” and could no imagine my life without her in it. She had been in my care daily since she was less than 2 weeks old and the moment she was in my arms it was an instant jolt of love. I have never understood the reasoning of their decision, yet I feel blessed that they came to it and she is ours. Not to say there are times we don’t argue, she isn’t a baby anymore, nearly a teenager, but I also argued with her much older siblings when they were her age as well, it’s called FAMILY. Perhaps I am selfish, I didn’t have any major calling from God, although he may have had hand in it.. I just knew there was a baby-girl here that I loved and she needed me as much as I needed her so maybe God (in his infinite wisdom) brought us together. I only pray your parents felt the same way. Always Jen
Oh sweet child… I think you have some hurt and some issues that are causing you to miss the very real message of this post. There was no “savior” tone at all as it relates to fostering more kids, or any bias, or any other negative/superior/judgmental tones present in what she said. Perhaps you took it out of context? She is addressing the people (adults) who question why she would want to accept more kids and responsibility when she has 5 of her own. The truth is that God puts it on our hearts as foster/adoptive parents FIRST, and then we fall in love with the children once they are in our homes and hearts. Without God leading us, compelling us, pulling our heart strings, and opening up the doors then nothing would happen and we wouldn’t take the first step. I am sorry that this article stirred up stuff in you, it surely wasn’t meant to I am sure of that, and I think that if you ever become a foster parent this article will mean so much more to you and give you a greater understanding of the heart from which it was written. XO
I always appreciate a respectful discussion about adoption, whether there is any agreement reached or all parties agree to disagree. I feel that adoptive parents and adoptees have a lot to learn from and offer each other in sharing our experiences. I’d like to give you the benefit of the doubt, but your words came across as condescending and dismissive to me. Firstly, I am not a child – I am thirty years old. Secondly, yes – there are hurt and ‘issues’ that come with being adopted and, as an adoptee, I have experienced them throughout my life and continue to address them today. I do not appreciate when adoptive parents diminish any less than ecstatic comments about what adoption entails/demands by dismissing the adoptee as someone who ‘is angry’ or ‘has issues’. I live adoption every day. That is something that you -unless you are an adoptee- will never be able to understand. I can reflect back on my life, and especially my experiences in childhood, and evaluate which things my parents said and did that that were helpful to me as an adoptee and those instances in which their words and actions were unintentionally hurtful or even harmful. They are also (like the author) very kind-hearted, prayerful people who look to God and scripture for guidance. They are also human and as humans we are all fallible. I am aware that there was no malice on the part of the author – on the contrary. I am not questioning her character, her kind heart, or her well-intentioned thoughts. If an adopted child were to read an article like this one about their arrival into the adoptive family, it would not be a positive experience. Whether the author is addressing her own fears and doubts about adopting from foster care, or those voiced by friends or family, these concerns will be visible to her adopted child and I believe that reading them would be harmful to him/her. A number of other individuals have commented sharing my views about this posting. Perhaps all of us ‘misunderstand’ what the author is trying to say or perhaps this is a poorly worded piece open to misinterpretation. Either way, I do not believe it belongs in a public forum.
You put into words what was on my heart & mind for years. We have always tried to explain to people it isn’t about us.. God called us to do this & it is the hardest job ever it is worth every moment at the end of the day. Our house stays full & chaotic but a well run machine because God equipped us with skills we wouldn’t have known about had we not listened to Him. It’s all about loving the children as Christ loves us..
Oh, thank you for this! I’m a single, working mom of 4 children ages 4, 7, 10, and 11, who do not see their father. I’ve felt the calling from God to provide foster care and will be licensed very soon. Some of my family and friends just don’t understand why I would want to add more to my already busy life, and this is exactly why. It isn’t ME who wants to, it’s God! I’m sharing this to hopefully help some of them understand.
Love this! I needed to be reminded of this as we embark on the adoption of our 6th and possibly 7th child. If I had your talent, I could have penned these exact same words from my heart!
Thank you for this article. My husband and I were talking about this today. The truth behind adopting is so very different from what most people imagine it to be. Sometimes hearing it from others is the best thing to break the isolation we sometimes feel in our lives. Lives we wouldn’t change, but lives that require sacrifice. We will be praying for your Sixth Child. God has His hand on your child and will guide the process. Have faith and peace. 🙂
Thank you Thank you Thank you!!!!!! My Heart exactly, put in a way that I could never articulate!
We had five bio children, triplets and twins, when we decided to adopt. People asked me then and still ask me why we wanted another child. It’s so simple…it was in our hearts and God’s calling to us. Yes, sometimes it is challenging but in the end we are eternally blessed. We love our big family and wouldn’t trade it for anything.
And yes, eight of the ten are adopted.
Encouraging indeed! I am the oldest of ten, 15 currently, so I can totally relate. God is good, and His mercies are new every morning!
We are starting down the foster/adoption path as well. Thank you for explaining so well some of my own thoughts. It is encouraging too know there are others walking this same path.
I also have five with a heart for further adoption. You have written perfectly what I want to say when people ask me the same question. We know we are called to further adoption through foster care, we are simply waiting on God’s timing. But it feels like it’s coming soon. Many blessings on your journey to the end of your wants.
Thank you for sharing. My husband & I are moving a 14 yr old lovely lady in our home that was our foster daughter when she was 8-10 yrs old. We pray that God will help her trust that she never has to leave again. We are in our 60’s but believe she deserves a family & not to age out in a group home.
I’ve never heard it expressed this way. Thank you for your moving words.
Beautifully said. We had five children, and then adopted a sibling group of four that were older than some of our biological children. Although there was some pain (and some of the fears that you mentioned were realized), over the last six years all of our children have grown in their relationship with God in ways that may not have happened if we had just stayed comfortable. I felt like we were “rescuing” our four adopted children (who were 6, 9, 10, and almost 12 when they came to live with us), but the truth is, God used them to rescue me…and to rescue my family. We no longer walk a path of wants, but our eyes are much more open to understanding a Kingdom focused way of living.
May God be at work in your family as well, bringing healing and wholeness, and drawing you to Him.
Oh, and as an encouragement, our son that was almost 12 shared with me (after he knew that I really loved him and wasn’t going to send him away) that he had cried himself to sleep during the three years that he was in foster care, muffling the cries, because he felt like no one cared about him, and was afraid of being mocked. These kids are truly suffering….and many enter care when they are very young, and then they just age out. Every child deserves to be loved…and to have a family and a childhood.
Again, may God bless you through His refining and renewing works as you walk in obedience!
Thank you for sharing, Julie, I love hearing real, honest, stories from parents who have foster – adopted, it makes me so excited for the future!
Very well said, explains how I feel about adopting and have been trying to explain to my husband, but unfortunately I don’t think he is ready.. or captures the line of thought, so worried about bills and/or affording another child, the only thing I can do is pray for God to touch his heart. I know that the Lord will take care of us, and there is no need to worry about tomorrow.
Clara,
My husband and I are in the same situation. It’s so hard! It’s giving me hope to remember that God is perfectly capable of changing my husband’s heart when (and if) He sees fit– the responsibility for this choice to NOT adopt, right now, is resting on God and not on my husband. I don’t want to bring a new child into our home until that child will see that my husband desperately wants him or her.
I totally agree. So well put. I was asked that question all the time and when we tried to adopt again. It’s not about what I want or what I have the strength to do, it is about what He wants. So true. God’s kingdom comes on earth when we are willing vessels. Thanks so much for this dynamite post! Blessings!
I don’t know you, but a friend shared this post and it is my heart on a computer screen! We are pregnant with out 5th baby and waiting to be matched with an older (pre-teen/teen) adoptive child from foster care. Everyone tells us we are crazy, and I read this and felt “She GETS me.” I will be praying for you and your family on this journey and hoping you find your new addition very soon!!
I really appreciated this post, especially the part about our worst-case scenarios and potential difficulties vs. the child’s actual life right now. I have been thinking about becoming a foster parent. It’s a little scary, as a single woman, but I think I’m going to do it because I know there are children out there who desperately need what I can provide.
I started as a single 21 yr old. I have my very first foster placement….he’s 12 and has been legally mine for 9 years…been with me for 11. I had 21 foster placements over 5 yrs. I’m now married with 5 kids total and it’s an amazing thing to be a mom.
You can do it. I promise whatever hardships you encounter, it will be worth it.
I started as a single 21 year old as well!! My first placement was a 7 year old boy and five days later I had his two sisters as well. I still spend plenty of time with those kids, though they are home with their mother now. I am now married with two children… one we adopted and working on adopting our foster baby. 🙂
Kristen,
So sweet to read your comment! I was a foster/adoptive home certifier with child welfare for a while. Time and again, I saw how God made unexpected and PERFECT matches between kids and foster homes. Trust Him to give you the kids that need exactly what YOU have to offer, working through His power and grace. You don’t have to be Leave-It-To-Beaver dad-mom team to be the exact instrument of healing and hope a child needs.
WOW… Beautifully said!!! God has clearly givin you great wisdom on the matter. Your words are food to the soul for me even as a well seasoned foster parent. Our family is about to start the next big adventure God has called us to and oh how I needed to hear the words he’s given you today! Thank you for sharing His message! Many blessings to your family on your big adventure! God is good through it all!
I’ve had the answer in my heart for the beginning of His calling, but you have put it into beautiful words. Thank you. In those few quite precious moments when we just decide we are going to take a break (cuz things are NEVER done), it is sweet to look back and see what the God of the Universe has done with our little loaves and fishes. O come let us adore Him… Merry Christmas Moms
This is exactly our hearts cry !!! Wow… I can’t even remember how many times people say, You want to adopt more???? What’s wrong with you? ? Don’t you have enough children??? You are crazy!! The one I hate the most is…you must be a saint….NO,certainly not,only being his hands ,feet & heart as he has directed us to be!! We have 11 children, 4 bio,7 adopted…5 through foster to adopt & 2 private adoptions.God is now calling us to adopt again and sometimes fear sets in when I think of telling family,friends & church family….fear of their respones.. There are even those in our church family who do not understand why we do what we do..we have to remind ourselves we are about our father’s work & as long as we remain obedient his grace if sufficient! ! Thank you so much for sharing!!!
Me too! I started reading this to my youngest snuggles up to me and Asked me to share …well my other 2 joined so I started over. And reading it with the word “us” instead of I or me. Half way through I stated to cry and let Brie read some. Think she was crying to. You see I have been feeling this way for 2 weeks now since God is leading us to re-open our home again to foster after we did respite over the christmas break break. I feel we have enough already and our home runs so well. This really helped me clarify my feelings. Gods grace will enable us to do His work.. 2 more classes and a few more things to re-open. Thankfully it’s a little less this time around. Thanks for posting!!