In just a few hours, our house is going to be filled to overflowing with Halloween candy. With five kids, each acquiring about 25 lbs of candy each, I could swim in a pool of mass-produced sugary goodness. But it seems to me, there are better things to do with excessive amounts of candy. Here are 10:
1) Save it for the Zombie Apocalypse. Zombies have a horrific sweet tooth. They just don’t advertise the fact because it makes them look less terrifying. I mean, are you really going to run from a zombie who’s munching on a Snickers? Not so much. So, save yourself some unnecessary exercise and save a stash of sweetness for when the zombies come to call.
2) Make a candy wreath for the door. Not only is a candy wreath incredibly classy, it will also distract the zombies (see point #1) and political door-knockers (which are a close replica thereof).
3) Keep it for next Halloween. Like re-gifting, only sneakier, recycling old Halloween candy is a brilliant way to save yourself a few bucks during the holiday season because no one will be able to tell you were the one giving away the chalky candy. Simply skim some candy from your kids’ stash and give it out next year. In fact, earn yourself some good neighbor points by telling the kiddos they can take two.
4) Increase your bribing leverage. Children will do just about anything for a mini Milky Way (at least, a fresh one). Think of the Halloween candy as your own personal power station. Use it to fuel those children into cleaning bedrooms and scrubbing toilets! Entice them into cleaning out the fridge and babysitting their younger siblings!
5) Work on your international spy skills. In other words, master deception. Repeat after me: “I have no idea what happened to all your Sweet Tarts.” When you can say that without your heart racing, you can apply to the FBI.
6) Get a jump on Christmas. After one Fall Festival, your kids have acquired enough candy to fill 50 Advent calendars, stuff a gazillion stockings, and turn that mediocre gingerbread house into a gingerbread mansion. If they wonder why their gingerbread house has ghost-shaped Peeps coming out the windows, it’s time to have a family reading of A Christmas Carol. If it’s good enough for Dickens, it’s good enough for us!
7) Live the dream of meeting Jillian Michaels in person. Simply consume all the Halloween candy you can without throwing up. Do this for as many consecutive days as possible. Feel free to supplement with discounted crispy rice pumpkins or Bit ‘O Honey because no one likes those anyway. If the children ask too many questions, see point #5.
8) Feed it to the squirrels. Squirrels are funny. Squirrels on excessive amounts of corn syrup and artificial food coloring are even funnier. When children see a funny, fat squirrel with a sugar high, they will not even notice the fact that you’re digging into their Halloween candy and eating all their Starburst.*
9) Become a Domestic Diva. Sure, you can share the kids’ Reese’s with your husband. Or you can harness all that candy power and turn it into something like this (see drool-worthy picture above). Do you know what this is, girls? This is power (see point #4, only insert “husband” in place of “children”).
10) Make the candy into…more candy. This is the epitome of excess. When you have so much candy that you have to make it into more candy just to get rid of it, you know you have arrived. Go ahead, zombies. Eat your heart out (and leave mine alone).
*No squirrels were fed any candy in the making of this post. Feeding candy to squirrels is not endorsed by the writer of this blog, even though it would be funny. Feeding candy to squirrels may result in an increase of rodent diabetes, lead to squirrel obesity, and may increase global warming. Feel free to feed it to your kids though.