In just a few hours, our house is going to be filled to overflowing with Halloween candy. With five kids, each acquiring about 25 lbs of candy each, I could swim in a pool of mass-produced sugary goodness. But it seems to me, there are better things to do with excessive amounts of candy. Here are 10:
So much unnecessary running for your life.
1) Save it for the Zombie Apocalypse. Zombies have a horrific sweet tooth. They just don’t advertise the fact because it makes them look less terrifying. I mean, are you really going to run from a zombie who’s munching on a Snickers? Not so much. So, save yourself some unnecessary exercise and save a stash of sweetness for when the zombies come to call.
Candy wreath=Zombie protection
2) Make a candy wreath for the door. Not only is a candy wreath incredibly classy, it will also distract the zombies (see point #1) and political door-knockers (which are a close replica thereof).
It’s all about the presentation. Go ahead. Take two.
3) Keep it for next Halloween. Like re-gifting, only sneakier, recycling old Halloween candy is a brilliant way to save yourself a few bucks during the holiday season because no one will be able to tell you were the one giving away the chalky candy. Simply skim some candy from your kids’ stash and give it out next year. In fact, earn yourself some good neighbor points by telling the kiddos they can take two.
Keep it up. There’s a Tootsie Roll in it for you.
4) Increase your bribing leverage. Children will do just about anything for a mini Milky Way (at least, a fresh one). Think of the Halloween candy as your own personal power station. Use it to fuel those children into cleaning bedrooms and scrubbing toilets! Entice them into cleaning out the fridge and babysitting their younger siblings!
- J. Edgar has no idea what happened to the Sweet Tarts.
5) Work on your international spy skills. In other words, master deception. Repeat after me: “I have no idea what happened to all your Sweet Tarts.” When you can say that without your heart racing, you can apply to the FBI.
Christmas and ghosts go together like peanut butter and jelly
6) Get a jump on Christmas. After one Fall Festival, your kids have acquired enough candy to fill 50 Advent calendars, stuff a gazillion stockings, and turn that mediocre gingerbread house into a gingerbread mansion. If they wonder why their gingerbread house has ghost-shaped Peeps coming out the windows, it’s time to have a family reading of A Christmas Carol. If it’s good enough for Dickens, it’s good enough for us!
Go ahead. Eat candy. Nothing would make me happier.
7) Live the dream of meeting Jillian Michaels in person. Simply consume all the Halloween candy you can without throwing up. Do this for as many consecutive days as possible. Feel free to supplement with discounted crispy rice pumpkins or Bit ‘O Honey because no one likes those anyway. If the children ask too many questions, see point #5.
Go ahead. Laugh at me. At least my mom isn’t raiding all my candy.
8) Feed it to the squirrels. Squirrels are funny. Squirrels on excessive amounts of corn syrup and artificial food coloring are even funnier. When children see a funny, fat squirrel with a sugar high, they will not even notice the fact that you’re digging into their Halloween candy and eating all their Starburst.*
Can you feel the power?
9) Become a Domestic Diva. Sure, you can share the kids’ Reese’s with your husband. Or you can harness all that candy power and turn it into something like this (see drool-worthy picture above). Do you know what this is, girls? This is power (see point #4, only insert “husband” in place of “children”).
Zombie Bark
10) Make the candy into…more candy. This is the epitome of excess. When you have so much candy that you have to make it into more candy just to get rid of it, you know you have arrived. Go ahead, zombies. Eat your heart out (and leave mine alone).
*No squirrels were fed any candy in the making of this post. Feeding candy to squirrels is not endorsed by the writer of this blog, even though it would be funny. Feeding candy to squirrels may result in an increase of rodent diabetes, lead to squirrel obesity, and may increase global warming. Feel free to feed it to your kids though.
This post is hilarious. I love your disclaimer about the squirrels at the end!
Way to go!!!!
I personally prefer #4. Works VERY well. In fact it even works on myself. Although I would love a recipe for #10.
I’ll take a piece of the cheesecake, too!!!!!
Actually did LOL at number 7!
I want a piece of that cheesecake in Number 9!!! Especially because Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are one of my favorite things (after dark chocolate truffles and definitely before anything non-chocolate!). I miss having small children in the house because we can’t “raid” their Halloween candy stash (or their Easter baskets, for that matter). Which is probably a good thing because the grandpa in this house has no will power when it comes to anything sweet – he’ll be the first to go in the zombie apocalypse!!! 🙂
I’m all for the re-using the candy…and I like the idea of just sticking it outside your porch. I dread having to answer the door each Halloween…which really goes against my “meet-the-neighbors” project! I thoroughly enjoyed this post!
Come to our house for *more* candy! My husband buys those big candy bars at Costco. He says the tiny candy bars are just cheap and wimpy. (Secretly, I think he likes to maintain his reputation as the nicest guy on Halloween night in our town.) 🙂
No way! My neighbors do that too. They call my kids over early and give them goodie bags, which is really like an early candy-coated Christmas.
I feel really bad for ignoring the trick or treaters who will come knocking at the door tonight. But I am spending the day in bed after becoming absolutely exhausted from coping with the stress of my mom’s serious illness.
Also, I have no candy in the house, which is a shame because I would actually like some “mass-produced, sugary goodness” for myself right now. A big slice of the cake pictured above point #9 would set me off on a sugar rush. But it does look delicious!
I enjoyed the post, especially the squirrel picture. So cute! 🙂
I love that little squirrel! It sounds like you need a little rest and some chocolate. I’d be more than happy to send you some of ours (and I promise it will be the fresh stuff). 🙂
That’s very sweet of you! 🙂
Would you mind if I emailed you sometime this weekend? I am going through a difficult time at the moment and struggling with faith. And I find your posts very inspirational. But I understand if you are too busy to ‘talk’ via email! 🙂
Just sent you an e-mail, Serena. Feel free to write any time.
Very funny….I don’t mind giving the stuff out, but it’s getting it that I could live without.
I reposted you over on my Galactic Fridge FB. http://www.facebook.com/galacticfridge?ref=hl
Consistently enjoy this blog. Thanks. Deirdre
We never give any candy out because for the past few years, we’ve had Reformation Day parties at our church on Halloween night, so we’re gone. But the kids still get to hit up the neighbors afterward and come home with SO much candy, it makes me crazy! Hence, the post. 🙂
Thanks for being so encouraging, and thanks for sharing!