It was the day before our first wedding anniversary when a home pregnancy test confirmed my fear: I was pregnant. The second pink line was so faint, I almost convinced myself it wasn’t there. But when I walked out of the bathroom and showed my husband, his face lit up and he wrapped me up in a huge hug. “Baby! This is such great news!” he beamed.
I burst into tears. It most certainly was not great news, and I was hurt by his excitement. I wanted his emotions to match mine; instead, they revealed the ugliness of my disappointment and fear, the ugliness of a woman who didn’t want to be pregnant with her own child.
It’s not that I didn’t like kids. I adored them. I had worked with street kids and orphans. I paid my way through college by being a nanny to a wonderful little boy. Everywhere I went, I drew kids to me like a magnet. But I didn’t want my own. I never had. I did not dream about being pregnant or holding a baby or decorating a nursery.
Everyone always said that when the time was right, I would want to have kids, and I believed them, partly because it was easier. It’s a solitary thing to be a woman who does not want children. There’s something abnormal about it. “I should try harder to want children,” I reasoned and tried to muster up some maternal instincts by sheer will-power. I wanted those feelings. They just weren’t there.
I held on the hope that one day, my desires would change so I could stop feeling like a foreigner in my own gender. Surely one day, I would want to have my own children. Someday, I wouldn’t have to explain that I didn’t hate children. One day, I would feel like a normal woman.
I did not expect to get pregnant first. I did not expect to have a baby before I was ready to be a mother.
A few weeks later, a blood test confirmed the home pregnancy test. Soon it became obvious that my stomach wasn’t flat anymore. I couldn’t quite fit into my jeans. I stood in the dressing room of Motherhood Maternity with a belly form under my shirt, trying on clothes, while tears streamed down my face. I walked out without buying a thing.
An ultrasound showed the baby was a girl, but I didn’t want anyone to know. Somehow, it made it worse to verbalize the fact that we were having a girl, not just a baby, but a girl. Deep down in the darkness of my heart, I hoped I would miscarry the baby. A friend of ours had lost her baby, and I wondered to God why He would take that baby, that loved baby, instead of mine.
Another couple we knew was struggling with infertility, and we had to call and tell them that we had gotten pregnant without even trying and I had to pretend to be happy because I couldn’t imagine how much it would hurt them to hear that I didn’t want this baby. I didn’t understand why God chose us and not them. Why not them?
The months passed. We found a hand-me-down crib and set it up in our walk-in closet because our one-bedroom apartment was too small to accommodate a baby. I came home from work and saw it there up against the back wall between my husband’s clothes and mine, and I bawled. I wanted to run away. I didn’t know where to go but I didn’t want to be in my own body anymore. I didn’t want to live my own life anymore, but how could I undo it, once it had been done? Something fundamental had changed and I could not put it back. I could not reverse it. I could not run away from it. I wanted to accept it, to embrace it, to be happy about it, but I couldn’t.
I couldn’t be happy because to be happy meant to let go. I was afraid to let go. I was afraid of what God might do if I let Him, as if my fighting and struggling could keep Him from doing it anyway. I was afraid that accepting this baby might make it okay, and I wasn’t ready for it to be okay.
The thing is, I did love children. I loved them so much, I couldn’t tolerate the idea of giving a child anything less than my best, of loving her any less than she deserved. I knew what would be required of me to be the kind of mother I knew I needed to be, and I wasn’t ready to do it yet. I wasn’t willing to do it yet.
But God has a funny way of taking our wills and conforming them to His own. He has a funny way of using babies to shake things up, of using the small things to take down the big things and to bring to light the stuff that shouldn’t be there at all.
The sun was just beginning to come up when we drove to the hospital to deliver the baby. I couldn’t stop shaking. I shook when they prepped me for surgery and I shook on the operating table. Even with a system full of drugs, I couldn’t keep my teeth from chattering. I saw a bright red, squirmy baby pee all over the doctor. My husband named her Faith.
Faith.
It doesn’t take much faith to move mountains, and I certainly didn’t have much faith. I couldn’t even pray for more. But my husband did. He loved me through the ugliness and encouraged the tiny glimmers of love he saw in me. Somewhere in the depths of a very dark heart, that very little love began to grow. It was not immediate and it was not easy, but the more it grew, the more it wanted to grow, until one day, I realized how fiercely I loved this child of mine.
Then I cried. I cried every time I held her. I cried while she slept. I looked in at her and my heart broke because I had not wanted her. I cried because God had trusted her to me anyway, even though I was not ready or willing to open my heart to her. I cried because something I had never had but always wanted was slowly awakening in me, and I did not deserve it.
Over the course of the years, I have grown into motherhood, but it has not been an easy journey. Every year, when the Mother’s Day cards come out on the shelves and the local florists get a surge of business, I feel a sense of sadness. It is still difficult to accept the words “you’re a good mom” because I remember when I wasn’t. Some days, I’m still not.
Every Mother’s Day, I am reminded that I did not want this life. And every Mother’s Day, I am so thankful I did not get what I wanted.
LRF says
I just found this blog via a friend who posted a link on FB. Anyway, I really appreciate you being so incredibly honest. I totally believe that moms are not always honest for fear of being labeled a “bad” mom or getting “the look” etc. But God doesn’t want us to live in fear. I relate to what rle376 said in her comment above regarding parenthood being very tough & her struggles with depression. I too struggled (still do) with depression after my 2nd was born & I still haven’t fully recovered though he is three. I love my children with all my heart but parenting isn’t easy & we only can get through each moment by God’s grace. I pray that mom’s will be open with each other & that we won’t judge & condemn for what we need is to be as gracious & merciful with each other just as God is with us. Anyway, enough said & thank you again for being open & may God bless you as you continue to blog & may you continue to encourage mommies world wide:)
Dana says
I can relate to what you wrote. My husband and I had 4 children. He wanted to try for a fifth. I wasn’t really wanting another child. He finally talked me into it. We would try for 4 months. A month later I was pregnant and not happy at all. I didn’t want another child. I hoped for a miscarriage. I wasn’t excited the way I should have been throughout the pregnancy. Even after he was born I wasn’t as happy as I should have been. Slowly but surely he worked his way into my heart. I am so glad I have him. I hate that I had the feelings that I did. I should have enjoyed my pregnancy and looked forward to the birth of my son. Your story brought me to tears. It’s good to know that I’m not alone. Thanks!
rle376 says
Thank you for your honesty. I always wanted children but after my children were born I realized parenthood was tougher than I could have ever imagined. I made it my goal to be honest with the women I ministered to about the difficulties of postpartum depression and just parenthood in general. Sometimes I get the look. The one that states I must be a terrible Mom for even feeling that way. It’s refreshing and renewing to see a Mom who’s walking in truth and vunerability.
fiveintow says
Thank you for your honesty. Women like you have ministered deeply to me. Postpartum (and even prepartum) depression certainly played a role in my experience and it has made me much more sensitive to others.
Disgruntled Classicist says
This was really awesome to read- I just gave birth to my first baby last month. We are in a similar situation to what you describe in your post; We live in a one-bedroom apartment and this baby was entirely unexpected. I don’t feel worthy to celebrate my first mother’s day this Sunday, but I guess God thinks I am!
fiveintow says
It’s a tough adjustment, isn’t it? But I’ve learned that it’s not about my worthiness as a mother, but it’s about God’s love for me, His grace in giving me exactly what I needed before I even realized what I needed, and His grace in allowing me to learn things about Him I wouldn’t have learned any other way. If you are like me, there’s a lot of stretching and growing going on in you right now. You probably didn’t realize how selfish you really are until this little one came along! But, thankfully, God doesn’t just give children to self-less people. Some of the most amazing “mothers” I’ve ever known don’t have any children, and I’ve often wondered why God gave children to me when it seems there are much better candidates out there! But, He did. So, Mother’s Day has become sort of a day of thanksgiving for me. I’m still terribly inadequate and insufficient, but He chose to give these children to me anyway, and is growing me into the kind of woman and mother I want to be, and that is a gift!
Mim Heisey says
Dear faithful one! What powerful truths you have stated. (Not giving us what we ‘want’ must be God’s main activity. What a wonderful God you know, and reveal in your writing. Bless you!
Love your posts- just discovered thru a much loved daughter who is raising 3 beautiful children herself.
fiveintow says
Thanks so much for your encouragement, and for reading and learning along with me.
Ashley W says
I found out I was pregnant with my 2nd when my first was 12 weeks old. My 1st was a preemie who spent weeks in the hospital, was a terrible sleeper, and came home with horrible reflux. When I saw that I was pregnant again I cried and cried and cried. I prayed that at least it would be a boy, and I cried again at our ultrasound when the bewildered tech gleefully exclaimed “but…you’re having a girl!! Is that bad?” I didn’t want to have a baby, and when she came out with horrible reflux and screamed at me for hours a day, I repeatedly sobbed to my husband that she needed a new home, where her new mom might actually like her. Flash forward 15 months, and she is the greatest surprise of my life. She has taught me more about life and God than I ever thought possible. Her middle name is joy, and she truly is that. Isn’t it neat how he always knows best??
Wanda says
Thank you so much for your blog! I have going on my seventh child, and I feel like this with each baby, but God has given them to me and has amazingly given the grace to love them and to grow in my unselfishness. So glad He knows better than I do! And thank you for being so brave to write so openly! You’ve blessed me so much today.
fiveintow says
Thank you, Wanda! Congratulations on your new baby. You are blessed!
Kari Andrews says
This really is so beautiful. I have struggled with wanting children myself because I cherish the closeness and quiet life my husband and I share and I know children will shake things up. It’s encouraging to know God changes hearts and gives us just what we need when we need it (like it or not) :]
fiveintow says
Yes, that was definitely a large part of it for me, too. My husband and I have a very neat relationship, and I didn’t want that to change. At the time, we were both going through graduate school together, in the same program, so we got to take all the same classes together. It was such a sweet time, and I wasn’t ready for it to end! But of course I was much more selfish than you probably are, so I will be praying that God will give you children at just the right time, if that’s His will, and that He’ll make your heart ready.
Stephanie Lashuay Engelman says
You aren’t the only one. Definitely. As I read, I was amazed at how your heart mirrored mine on so many times, and here we are: you with 5, me with my 7 and 3 extras. Loving the journey. So many times I wondered why God would give me mine soooo close together and others who wanted just one – none. Thanks for sharing.
fiveintow says
God has a sense of humor, doesn’t He? The final straw was when we found out we were having twins. I just couldn’t stop laughing. I said, “Really, God? REALLY?” It was His exclamation point on the fact that He wanted me to be a mom. Wake up, Kristie! This is my will for you.
g says
Your transparency will bless others. Bless you for sharing. My granddaughter kept saying, “awww,” looking at the pictures!
nmetzler says
I was just sharing with a friend that it is so amazing how God uses children to refine our hearts. For some the birth of them, for others the inability to have them.
Karyn @ kloppenmum says
Very honest and brave. To know you wanted to do the best ever job you could – that was the important kernel you carried with you the whole way. Happy Mothers’ Day
The Warming House says
You are a brave woman to share yourself so openly. Thank you for that. I LOVE hearing how God grabbed and opened your heart! You are a good mom. And you are blessed. 🙂
fiveintow says
My husband asked me why I was so willing to share so much, and I said, “Because at the time, I needed to hear that I wasn’t the only one.” It’s not fun to admit to the darkness of my heart and mind at that time, but I hope that it helps another woman who might be struggling with a similar thing. It’s a horrible thing to feel so isolated, but there is hope!
The Warming House says
You’re exactly right. I am certain there are others who will be encouraged by your words because they’ve been there too. 🙂
Anne says
And I, too, am so glad that you didn’t get what you wanted!!! God is so good to us, isn’t He!
fiveintow says
Yes, He is. I used to worry that, while God had been good to me, maybe He wasn’t so good in giving ME to my children. But by His grace, we’ve all grown up in to this thing together. Still growing, of course, but He put us all in this together for a reason!
Stephanie says
Much needed today. It was my first full day home with our one-year-old (probably since August). It was a disaster. Thank you for sharing this.
fiveintow says
First days are hard. Being home alone is hard. One-year-old babies are hard! You had the perfect storm. I hope tomorrow is better. 🙂
Stephanie says
Thank you! Me too!
swedblue says
Thank you, Kristen, for your honesty. How many times do we stuff the truth of how we feel because of what others think of us. God knows what it takes to grow us, and what we really need. Isn’t He good (sometimes His ways are a bit jolting).
fiveintow says
He certainly does know what we need. I don’t know why it surprises me that God knows me better than I know myself, but it does. It takes my breath away when I think about how perfectly He has planned it all.
Emily Cook (@Weakandloved) says
He has a funny way of using babies to shake things up, of using the small things to take down the big things and to bring to light the stuff that shouldn’t be there at all.
YES.
Great post.
fiveintow says
Thanks, Emily. I just read your post here http://www.weakandloved.com/2012/05/impossible-mother-job-being-fair-queen and thought it was great! I’m going to post a link on the Five in Tow FB page tomorrow. Hilarious!
Tonia says
Wow… Your honesty and what you went through is heartbreaking but the end result is wonderful.. I watched a friend who struggled with something similar and she left her baby with dad. The story is not a good one.. Awesome that you allowed God to change your heart. I think all moms struggle on some level with are they good enough?.. I know I feel so inadequate some times at getting this 3 girls God entrusted us with launched in to life that is pointed in the right direction.
fiveintow says
It’s true, we moms tend to struggle with feelings of inadequacy. It is part of being a woman and certainly part of being a mother. But, I think about my childhood and I have forgotten most of the ways my mom screwed up. I’m sure she did, but I don’t really remember. Kids are wonderfully forgiving, as long as we are truly repentant when we do wrong and try our best. It doesn’t have to be perfect. It would be nice if we could be perfect, but then, we wouldn’t need grace as much, and at the end of the day, I’d rather have grace.
Raven Siker says
I needed this so much today. Thank you for sharing your powerful honesty.
The Orange Rhino says
Another breathtaking post. You are a strong woman. Strong for writing this deeply honest and real post, strong for sharing it and strong for letting yourself grow when it was terribly hard to do so. Faith is beautiful and I am certain everyday she looks at you, her most amazing mother and thinks, I am thankful for her. Thanks for sharing…
fiveintow says
Ah, Raven, I am honored to be a part of your very touching post. Thank you.
Raven Siker says
Thank you for being inspiring, hilarious and just plain brilliant with your blog posts all the time. I found you last month and have found myself anticipating your posts often. 🙂 Happy Mother’s Day to you!!!!
fiveintow says
And to you too! Thanks for your encouragement!