Micah, age 1
Micah and Paul were born at the exact same minute. They were the exact same height and almost the same weight. They were both tongue-tied. They both had the same blue eyes, and even though Paul had a shock of red hair and Micah’s was mousy brown, it was obvious they were twins.
But by the time the boys were six months old, we knew Micah was behind. By the time they were a year, we knew something was wrong. It was painfully obvious. By then, Paul was crawling all over everything and was on the verge of walking, but Micah couldn’t follow him because Micah had yet to crawl. He didn’t even slither.
Our pediatrician was at a loss as to what was wrong. She said all kinds of scary things before scribbling out a referral to Children’s Hospital in Seattle where Micah was examined by a team of neurologists. They wrote lots of notes on little pads of paper while Micah smiled at them and tried to find the Cheerios they’d hidden under brightly colored cups. “Micah does not play with his toes,” they wrote as they watched him. “Micah does not roll over. Micah does not bend his knees. Micah can’t right himself if he falls over. Micah can’t grasp a finger. Micah can’t…Micah can’t…Micah can’t….”
Then, the doctors went out to talk about their findings. I waited a long time while Micah sat on my lap and played with my necklace. I wondered what life was going to be like for my sweet little boy. It is one thing to be behind. It’s another thing to be behind when you’re a twin. He had a built-in reminder that he didn’t measure up.
Finally, the chief neurologist came in. She shook my hand warmly and told me what a delightful child Micah was. “He’s very bright,” she said, and I breathed a sigh of relief. “His delay is not cognitive; it’s muscular.” It seemed that every muscle in Micah’s body was weak. Every muscle was behind. “He needs a personal trainer and a baby gym,” she concluded.
We were assigned a physical therapist who told me to write goals for Micah. “Micah will learn to hold my finger. Micah will learn to roll a ball. Micah will learn to stand unassisted.” I wanted to write, “Micah will learn to climb up the steps all by himself!” because at 16 months old, he was heavy.
But Micah could not achieve that goal. Paul was climbing steps like a monkey, but it didn’t matter what Paul could do, or what any toddler could do. It didn’t matter what was normal or expected or even desired. Micah was not any toddler. He was Micah, and I had to adjust my dreams, wishes, and goals for him based on who he was, not on who I wanted him to be.
Months passed, and then years. The progress was painfully slow, but still, it was progress. I quickly learned that achieving the goals was not the goal. Success, for Micah, was about making steps in the right direction.
I watched Micah and I wondered if I was willing to accept that definition of success. I like goals. I like reaching goals even better. I am not so good at being content with progress, especially when it seems like everyone else is running and I’m just crawling along. It seems like I should be able to do it! I should be able to keep my house clean and my kids dressed like they just stepped out of a magazine. I should be able to make that creative birthday cake and look like I didn’t eat a piece of it. I should be able to write two blog posts a week, for heaven’s sake, and keep all my kids happy and well-fed and educated. After all, Facebook and Pinterest tell me that other moms can. Why can’t I?
Every day, I get up and I aim for that goal. I do the best job I can. It’s not always Pinterest-able, but it’s generally a step in the right direction. So why do I feel so guilty when I am still so far away from the goal? Why do I feel like everyone is staring at me, writing down notes on their little pads of paper, Kristen can’t…Kristen can’t…Kristen can’t…?
It’s because I forget that I am me. Not my mother. Not my sister-in-law. Not the other mom of five kids who does everything better. I’m just me, the me with gifts and the me with shortcomings. Like Micah, I must accept that some things are just going to be hard for me. It doesn’t matter what is normal or expected or even desired. I can only do so much. Some things I will do really well. And then there’s the rest.
Motherhood involves such a myriad of skills and abilities; it would only stand to reason that I would stink at 50% of them, maybe more if you count sports. Some things I am just not naturally able to do. I am deficient. I am broken. Sometimes, I really mess it up, and I wonder why I’m the only one who can’t get it all together.
But God did not give these children to the woman who has it all together. He did not give them to the woman who is better. He gave them to me. He didn’t even check out my Facebook profile to see if I qualified. He didn’t look to see if I am good at planning birthday parties or if I know 50 ways to sneak vegetables into macaroni. He did not ask me if I felt adequate because it’s never been about being adequate. It’s about letting God be adequate enough for the both of us.
At the end of the day, when I’ve poured myself in to these lives God has given me, and I am tempted to think that I haven’t been or done enough, I remind myself that I am a lot like Micah. When I first became a mother, I could not even crawl. But by God’s grace, I have learned to walk. His hands have steadied me, and now I can even run. I may not qualify for a marathon, but then, I was not made for marathons. I was made to walk with Someone holding my hand, and that is enough.
Micah is now four. He still struggles with significant speech issues because he can’t seem to get his tongue to do what it should do. I can’t always get my tongue to do what it should either, so I understand. He will never be the star of the soccer team. I understand that, too. But every day, he continues to try. He lets me help him make steps in the right direction. That is something I understand best of all.
He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. —2 Corinthians 12:9
Success
I’m the author of a book “Gave You the Special Needs Child for a Purpose”. I can join you in all you are living with each and every day. If it helps with anything, take a look at the book on amazon and many other places on the internet. Keep going each and every day!! God loves you so much for who you are and what you are doing for Him!
I wonder if Ice Skating would help. Figure skates are lower to the ground but he could just scoot and he’ll glide.
“I was made to walk with Someone holding my hand, and that is enough.”
This is good to remember when taking care of an elderly mom with memory issues too. Thank you.
Excellent post, Kristen!
Five
Thank you for this post! I am constantly reminded of these things as I watch our “Micah”. I feel the Lord gave him to me to remind me of my need to depend on Him daily. Our “Micah” had a traumatic brain bleed as a baby and has brain damage that puts him a little behind. But I am thankful for each goal I see him achieve. As I depend on Christ, I hope that I bring joy to my Heavenly Father the same way my son brings joy to me. Thank you for such a beautiful reminder!
I can relate to your words on so many levels…we too have been through countless evaluations with our son Charlie. And yet in my eyes he is perfect and made just the way God intended him to be. However, what I love most is that you put into words those feelings I struggle with daily as a mom. Thank you for blessing me with your insight and encouragement!
Your Charlie is just perfect, and I love your blog because of your Christ-like attitude in overcoming the challenges that come with having a special-needs child. But I think all moms struggle with feelings of inadequacies and failure because we want so much to do this right. I need to be reminded that teaching my kids how to overcome shortcomings and imperfections with humility and grace is more important than pretending to be perfect in the first place.
Thanks for sharing! I really needed this reminder and encouragement. 🙂
You blessed my heart today. I am raising a child with hypotonia and unexplained delays. And I am wrestling with my inadequacies as a believer, mother and a wife. I needed this. Thank you!
Oh so true………. and evenmore true to be able accept the level of ability that I have and to not compare myself to others. Great insight.
This is so beautiful and encouraging. Thank you for sharing!
Favorite line, “He did not ask me if I felt adequate, because it’s never been about being adequate. It’s about letting God be adequate enough for the both of us.” Thank you Kristy, I need that knowledge always. Praying for you and Micah. You both are in God’s miraculous hands.
That is an absolutely fabulous post…loved it, enjoyed it, and understood it. I feel that way sometimes too and i love your take on it. I wish that could be on Good Morning America this morning for all the moms. Thank you…
Thank you, Kristen, for sharing this. There are so many times each day that we, as moms, feel we fall short. I am thankful to God who gives us each enough grace to continue on in our journey as mothers.
Our ladies bible study group has chosen a book about Mary and Martha this season. This post, and “the one thing” seem to have been written for us!
You are a gifted writer :). Praying for you and for Micah as you keep taking those steps.
Hi there! Saw your comment to mine…you didn’t miss my post. I didn’t have courage to share it for fear it might offend. It is titled “the upside to my son’s speech delays” … But now I think I will tweak and share 🙂 thanks for inspiring me!
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You know, today Micah was climbing up my grape arbor like a little Monkey. Faith beat him to the grapes I had asked him to get, but his spirit was tender and uncomplaining as she passed him up. I notice the growth in his loving attitude and generous heart to his siblings. How I love that little guy! Another great addition, Kristie.
So well said. Thanks for the reminders ~ it’s so easy to get caught up in all the “I can’ts”, so easy to get into the comparison game, so easy to forget that God handpicked each of us for the custom job He’s given us.
Amen to that!
Beautiful, wonderful well-said!! I know that feeling Oh so well. The one thing I have learned to rely on is the sure and certain knowledge that God knows exactly what He is doing. There are no perfect parents (MOMS) because there are no perfect people.Not even close. We are however exactly the parents God chose for these special beings we call our children. He knew every fault and weakness I had and every kind of mistake or bad choice I could make. He also knew everyone of my 6 beautuiful children “before He knit them together in my womb” He knew their “imperfections” as well, and he chose to put us together. Who am I to question that. No I just have to rely on Him to cover all my faults and sins and make these children and me who He means for us to be. Thank you for putting this so beautifuuly. and keep up the great work. parenting and writing. karen s.
I am always amazed at the way God puts families together. Nothing has done more to draw me closer to God than having children. I would not have chosen this way, in my human “wisdom,” which is why I am not God. 🙂
No, you are not your mother – you are so much better than she is! But isn’t that what it’s all about? You are the person God made, the person He gave these beautiful children to, knowing that you would be able to handle what He’s given you…some days with more grace than others…and He’s using them to conform you to His image just like you are teaching your children to grow to be more Christ-like each day. I love you!
Haha–no, I’m not my mother, but I sure learned a lot from her! Actually, some of the things I’ve learned from you are blessing me now that Jeff is away. I keep thinking about how you did it all by yourself after Dad died. These challenges in life, and in parenting, can cause us to become bitter and angry, or they can cause us to come to the end of ourselves where we find the boundless strength and power of Christ. I hope to always choose the later.
Thanks so much for sharing, Kristen! You know that I relate because of Samuel and also because my health problems always remind me of what I can’t do. Thank you for the Jesus-perspective of what matters and what doesn’t. Its hard to remember when I’m frustrated with Samuel or when I’m so out of breath and I just want to take the kids out biking. The Lord knows what He’s doing and why He’s doing it.
I thought of you while I was writing this, not because we’ve shared the same journey but because I know you’ve had it so much harder than I have. It humbles me to know what you are going through. I think about you often and when I do, I think about my struggles and I pray for you with even more fervor because I know you have a bigger trial, but you are going through it with so much grace. I know you have hard days, but you are such a blessing to me because you love your boys so much, and you sacrificially pour yourself into them every day. You are a woman of God, my friend, and I learn a lot by watching you.
Thank you for sharing. I also have a 4 year old son who has a “global developmental delay”. and then I have a normal 2 year old son. When we finally realized Nathan was not “normal” (which was after everyone had realized!), he was 2 years old. The Lord gave me exodus 4: 11 and 12. ” And the LORD said unto him, Who hath mad man’s mouth? or who maketh the dumb, or deaf, or the seeing, or the blind? have not I the Lord? Now therefore go, and I will be with thy mouth, and teach thee what thou shalt say.” I told my husband I had always asked God not to give us a special needs child because I couldn’t handle it. Immediately this verse came to my mind and God said ” only I know what you can do through me.” Later I read the latter half of verse 11 and verse 12 and was reminded that God made Nathan just the way He wanted him. And thank you for the reminder that He gave Nathan to me! (and my second son too). You definitely have a ministry through this blog.
Wow, that’s a powerful Scripture and a powerful testimony. It’s funny that you say that you were sort of the last ones to realize that your son was not “normal” because we were sort of the same way. I was in denial. I KNEW something was wrong, but I just kept pushing it out of my mind, thinking eventually, he’d catch up. Then I went through a period of guilt because I ignored such obvious signs and signals that something was off. It took me awhile to forgive myself because I felt like I’d failed him. Thank goodness for grace, right?!
Love it Kristen.
I wish you could see the tears running down my face. I cannot begin to tell you how beautiful this post was and hold it close to my heart because in some ways, I’m like Micah. I won’t give you a rundown why I feel this way (the list is too long), but as long as he knows he’s loved, he’ll successful in whatever he does. Thank you for sharing this!
You are welcome, and big hugs to you! I am honored to be able to touch you in some way. I’d love to hear your story, but I know it’s hard to put some things into words, so I will just be praying for you!
So well said. Thank you.
Beautiful!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My sister emailed me this link and said, “you should read this”. It’s incredible how closely your story matches mine. My twins turned 5 yesterday and Micah sounds just like my Bo. We sat with him through neurologist appointments, cheered him through his physical therapy sessions, and our hearts still ache when he just simply can’t do what his brother Drake can with such ease. Bo has come so far from the days we would hold his head up so he could crawl across the floor and the days when he had a continuous goose egg on his forehead from all the falls with no reflexes to catch himself or break his fall. His heart is so compassionate and kind that he puts me to shame most days. And then I struggle with feeling adequate as a mother and homemaker. I yell too much and my house is almost never what I think it should be. Thanks for sharing and blessing my life. My sister knows me all too well:)
Your comment brought back so many memories! Watching your baby fall over and over again is so heartbreaking. I used to PRAY that Micah would learn to stick his arms out to brace his falls because he’d hit the floor so hard. Thank you for taking the time to write. It is encouraging to know that someone else out there “gets it,” especially with the twin issue thrown into the mix. It tears at my heart in a way that’s hard to explain. But what a blessing it is to see the tenderness of your son even though he has to struggle with these things! I pray continued blessings on him and the rest of your family.
Kenda,
Sisters are one of the biggest blessings God bestows! Remember that your sister is cheering *you* on just as you are cheering on Bo. You are not alone!
Beautiful story! In fact your stories pull at my heartstrings, they are so down to earth! God bless you!
Thank you, Mary! May God bless you too.
Every mom needs to hear this–A LOT!! Thank you for the reminder!
I hopped over to your blog and saw that you have twins too! So of course I had to read your “twin story.” It is so neat to see how God has worked in your family! What a precious bunch you have!
“I quickly learned that achieving the goals was not the goal. Success, for Micah, was about making steps in the right direction.”
Maybe that is a good word for the Christian ‘walk.’ People who really understand the grace of God know that He is working His purpose through the walk itself. With each step we see God better. With each misstep we see God better. With each untaken step we see God better. He and His releationship with us IS the goal and the journey is the Way.
Amen. I often get so caught up in the daily-ness of life that I lose that eternal perspective.
Beautiful lesson Kristie! i remember feeling all those things with my kids too. Just have to realize that God gave those kids to us as we are and we are sufficient for them as we lean on Christ. We will not do everything but we will do something and it will be remembered. Amazing. karen
Thank you for being a great example of that!
Beautiful, and exactly what I need to hear pretty much daily.
I wish we could all just learn it and move on, but I think this is something we’ll always have to battle, especially as women. It’s a good thing His mercies are new every morning!
Very good reminder! Love it. I can only do the things I do because of God and His grace and I’m the best person for my motley crew, just as you are the best for yours. No one can do all the things a mom needs to do and do them all 100%. Our time is divided into too many different ways to excel at any of them, really, but we can be faithful to do our best and leave the rest in God’s hands. Thank you for sharing this today.
So true!
I am speechless. Absolutely breathtaking. Well done, Bravo. You think you can’t do 50% of things but let me tell you one thing you CAN DO. You can write girl. Oh can you write. And move people. And touch people. I have a “Micah” and I have a “me” who feels behind all the FB and Pinterest moms who do it all. You spoke to me. And who would have known I just wrote a similar post last night about my #3? You rock. Remember that. And PS Micah is gorgeous!
Did you publish your post about #3? I didn’t see it. I even went back through and looked to see if I’d missed it. Please post! I’m dying to hear your story. Ever since I found out about your little boy, I have felt an even deeper connection to you, my brightly-colored cyber friend. Thank you for being ever-encouraging. I’m rooting for you!