“So, what brings you in here today?” the ultrasound tech asked, even though she already knew. She had a paper on a clipboard that told her everything.
I looked at the woman. She wore her silver hair in a chic haircut and looked at me over purple-rimmed glasses. It took me a minute to form the words. “I think I’ve had a miscarriage,” I answered, willing myself not to cry. I was not going to cry, not yet.
“What makes you think that? Roll up your shirt a little.”
I did not want to talk about it. I did not want to go into the details with this woman who was about to tell me my baby was dead.
But she gave me a grandmotherly look that said, “Spill it, Kid,” and I found myself compelled to tell her all the same.
The blood had started suddenly and came in a great gush. I felt it as soon as I stood up, and I knew. The giggles from the children, the clanking of the silverware against the plates, and the smell of dinner all faded in an instant. “Oh no!” I had said to my husband who was still sitting at the dinner table with the children.
I ran from the room, leaving him there while the green beans burned on the stove.
“What’s wrong?” he called, but I couldn’t answer.
I was in the bathroom. The blood filled the toilet. I was only eight weeks pregnant. Maybe nine. I hadn’t even been in to see a doctor yet.
My husband knocked gently on the door. “Are you alright?” He looked in. When I saw his face, the tears came.
“I’m…”
But I couldn’t say it. I tried to speak but there were no words. I’m losing the baby.
“Get in bed and put your feet up,” the on-call doctor said when I finally managed to control my shaking voice long enough to talk on the phone.
“Will that really help?”
He paused. I could tell he was trying to think of the right way to say it. “There’s really no way to stop a miscarriage,” he said.
I was quiet.
“You need to get in for an ultrasound as soon as possible to make sure the fetus has fully aborted. Then we can schedule a D&C, if necessary.”
“This is not a fetus,” I said. The words came out hotter than I expected. “This is my baby.”
The phone was silent. “I’m sorry,” the doctor said. He sounded young, but not so young that he hadn’t already begun to reduce miscarriages to nothing more than the ordinary process of a woman’s body aborting flesh that couldn’t be sustained.
Still, he tried to soften his voice when he told me to watch for the body of my baby to pass. “Don’t flush it,” he cautioned.
Flush it? Flush my baby? Sorrow welled up in me. I choked into the receiver. But the doctor didn’t hear. He was busy with his instructions about bleeding and fevers and cramps. “Whatever you do, don’t wait to get that ultrasound,” he said.
But waiting was all I could do. The ultrasounds were booked out and I couldn’t get an appointment the next day. I couldn’t get an appointment the day after that because it was Saturday. That meant I had to wait through Sunday too. “The earliest I can get you in is Tuesday,” the receptionist said. “Do you want to come in at 8 or 10?”
Four weary days and four long nights stood between me and the final answer, the confirmation that this pregnancy was over, that somehow, my body had not been able to protect this life. It was altogether too much time to think, too much time to wait, too much time to suspend grief.
I deserve this, I thought. I deserve it. Five years earlier, I had not wanted the child I had been given. I had railed against God for making me a mother when I did not want it. I had thought then that He should take that life from me and spare another. Perhaps this was the life He was taking. Perhaps it was time to give me what I had wanted, to give me what I deserved.
“So, you didn’t do anything unusual to cause the bleeding?” the ultrasound tech’s voice interrupted my thoughts.
“No,” I said. “I was just making dinner, like always.”
The woman had listened to every word while she smeared goo all over my stomach. “Well,” she said thoughtfully, “sometimes bleeding happens, but Baby is still fine.”
I turned away and tears came to my eyes. Don’t give me a hope you can’t make good on, I thought. Don’t let me think there might be a chance, not now. I had spent the last four days numbing my heart, and she had the nerve to try to wake it back up.
“I’m just going to take a look,” she said as she pressed the wand onto my skin. “I won’t turn the screen on just yet.” Her voice was a whisper, sad and loving.
Jeff grabbed my hand. I felt cold. My toes were numb.
“This must be a hard job,” I reasoned out loud, partly to take my mind off the reality of what was happening, and partly because I suddenly had compassion on this woman who had to tell mothers their babies would be waiting for them in heaven.
“Some days it is very hard,” she agreed. I could see the light of the computer monitor reflecting in her purple rimmed glasses. She seemed to smile. “This is not one of those days.”
She flipped a switch and the screen above my head lit up before I could even process what she had said. Without even intending to look, I saw it: a black and white image of two tiny babies on the screen over my head.
“You have twins,” she said, the smile spilling over into her voice.
My body shook and my hands flew to my face. I couldn’t stop the tears. I heard Jeff laugh, but my mind could not comprehend it. It couldn’t be true. It couldn’t be!
“Are they…alive?” I could hardly say the word, could hardly ask the question.
“They’re perfect.”
The words were soft and preposterous, beautiful like snow on a cloudless day.
“Look at your babies, Mamma,” she said.
I opened my eyes again. There they were, two little babies kicking their lima bean feet inside my womb. Safe. Perfect. Two.
It was unfathomable and ridiculous and wonderful all at the same time. There on the screen was everything I didn’t deserve. I was the mother who hadn’t wanted children. I was the mother who had wished for a miscarriage not that many years before. I was the mother who had to learn how to love her baby.
I was the sinner.
I was the prodigal.
I was the woman at the well, fully expecting the punishment for the guilt I carried.
But God was not throwing any stones, and God was not giving me what I deserved.
Here I was, on the cutting side of grace. No fire from heaven or torrent of hell could have proclaimed my unworthiness more than the sight of those two babies on that screen. I knew I did not deserve them.
And yet…
And yet He loved me. And yet He poured out His lavish and frightening favor upon me. And yet He heard my cry and said to me, “It is forgiven.”
Oh, but I couldn’t let it be forgiven. I couldn’t let go of what I had done. I couldn’t let go of what I had thought and how I had felt and how I had fought His hand and the child in my womb. I could not let myself have that kind of atonement. Justice I could stomach, but not mercy.
But on that day, mercy found me. On that day, mercy paid double for the life I had not wanted. It redeemed a motherhood I thought I had ruined and restored in me the hope that God could indeed work through someone so undeserving.
“Are these your first? I mean, first and second?” she asked.
“No!” I laughed. “These are four and five!”
The woman on the other side of the monitor laughed. “Well then, you are blessed!”
Blessed.
On this beautiful day, nearly five years from the day I saw the face of God on an ultrasound screen, I am thankful for mercy, for the lavish love of a redemptive God, and for the beautiful truth that today, and forever, I do not get what I deserve.
“But God was not throwing any stones, and God was not giving me what I deserved.”
This is the God I’m coming to know, over and again He does this! This love is so much more.
That is sure a touching story. I was crying.
I think we have all felt guilty about something we should be punished for. God doesn’t punish he forgives us strength.
OK…so I’m a new reader and going back through your posts. I have to say…I’ve been there. I had to dig my baby out of the toilet. I had to go through that 8 times in the past 6 years. This is why we spoil Monster, in a way he was hard fought for. He came early. He was so tiny when he was born, but he’s so healthy now. And, now is pregnancy number 10. I just found out on Monday. I have to call the doctor again tomorrow because she wasn’t in today. We’re really hoping for another bundle of joy this time…and to not have to dig another baby out of the toilet…hope is a powerful thing.
Beautiful, thanks for sharing
and I love, love LOVE your pictures at the bottom.Thank you for sharing them!!!
oh my. Thank you for sharing. I have been fortunate to never have had a miscarriage, so I read this out of curiousity, not anticipating relating to much, just sympathizing. I was wrong. Thank you for pointing it all back to grace. Amazing grace, how sweet the sound!
Thank you for sharing. For 15 years, I have carried the guilt of a very early miscarriage. I did not know how I would care for the baby, and I felt relieved at the miscarriage. I never talked about the pain, loss, confusion, sadness, and guilt. Then 10 years later I became pregnant again not once but twice. I have 2 little ones that I did not feel I deserved to be a mother to. Thank you for sharing your story of forgiveness, grace, and mercy. God has used your words to show me that He loves and cares for me and to reaffirm to me that He has indeed chosen to bless me with these children.
Beautiful, thank you for sharing. I was having a rough day with my 4 boys and I came across your email bolg in my in box, “something” ( GOD) told me to read it. Thank you for helping me remember what gifts our children truly are, you saved my day 😉 God Bless and your twins are just too cute 😉
I love your beautiful story. So much like my own. So real. We’re learning to lean into that God given roll, mother, and loving it!
Thank you for sharing your story. Beautiful redemption.
“When I couldn’t find mercy, mercy came running to me.” So beautiful.
Crying!
Oh my, this story was as beautiful as your children. Thanks for posting it!
Your story brought back such memories! Thirty-six years ago I had a very similar experience – heavy bleeding, etc. I wasn’t even sure I was pregnant. I already had 3 others, ages 4, 3, and 1. So I thought I wasn’t exactly suffering from “empty arms!” Yet, I wanted this baby, too. Well, today she is a beautiful mom, 36 years old, mother of 3, wife of a seminary student/pastor! She always signs her notes to me with “50%” because the doctor had told me that my chances of carrying the baby to full term were 50%. I tell her she is 100%!! Thanks for sharing!
Simply Amazing… You are so blessed.. I have one but have lost 5 after the 1st one. There must be a reason.. I wish I knew but for now I will cherish son with all my heart. Thanks for sharing
So beautiful. Thankful for your testimony of His grace in your life.
Thank you, Gretchen.
Thanks for sharing that, a beautiful story full of grace. Very moving.
I too have been down the miscarriage road, 3 times. Thankfully now I am waiting any day for my 3rd live birth, and this is the first pregnancy where I am not high risk, it’s been an incredible pregnancy. Sometimes I think God heard my prayer to not take my Grandma to heaven until she held one of my babes in her arms. Now she is taking care of 3. Why God allows these things, I am not sure, but I do know that through them I have been able to minister to others going through the same thing and to offer them the same hope I found and still cling to. It’s amazing how many people do not talk about miscarriage, and I try to encourage them too, so that others going through it know they are not alone. Thanks for writing this, and all of your work, it has been a great encouragement.
Amazing! A beautiful testimony of God’s amazing love for us!
Not sure if the last comment posted. I just wanted to say that was beautiful. Thank you for sharing Gods love through your testimony. God is so merciful and I am so thankful.
Thank you for that beautiful story. I too have lost a little one and it helps to hear others stories. Mine did not have the same beautiful outcome as yours but I know one day I will hold that precious babe in my arms and even in my loss I felt the love of God. Thank you for sharing something so intimate.
Stephanie, I look forward to the day when I get to see Jesus put that little baby in your arms and you get to enjoy all of eternity with that beautiful one.
That was a beautiful story of Gods grace, and I am so blessed to be able to read your journey. Thank you.
If only they all turned out so beautifully. I have been through two and they are not easy. You do worry about whether or not you did something to make it happen and/or deserve it. They leave you feeling helpless and hopeless. When you plead with God to give your baby back a heart beat before they do the D&C.. it would show the doctors how awesome he is! Then the despair that comes after the surgery, the feeling of not mattering. God didn’t hear your prayer and your baby died, he doesn’t care how he hurts you, you don’t matter. After all if he is God and he knew that this would happen why did he let you conceive to begin with. After months of praying and waiting, after being told that your baby had a severe genetic abnormality and speaking to a genetic counselor, after them telling you it was just a “fluke” … finally after all that time when you finally submit yourself to God and say whatever you want God. Then he shows you how much he does love you and your baby, that he took your baby before it had to be born and live a life full of pain and sorrow, if it even lived. He tells you that your baby is safe with him and waiting on your arrival and Heaven seems much sweeter. He also shows you how much your faith has grown. It was a very hard thing to go through but in the end you trusted Him and your faith grew… probably ten fold. They don’t all turn out to be so beautiful here on this earth, I wish that they did, but they all are beautiful in Heaven.
Ok, sorry about that. I haven’t talked about it in a while. I miss my babies every day. If they would have lived then I would have 6 children here with me. My first would have been almost eight and my second would have just turned three. I always wanted 6 children.. one day while praying about it I felt the Lord speak to me. He told me that I do have 6 children just two of them are with him already.
I wish they all did turn out so beautifully in the end, here on earth. I don’t understand it all but I cling to the hope that God does make all things right. I so look forward to Heaven when all the mothers will be reunited with their babies and all the empty arms will be filled. You ARE a mother of six. Not even death can change that.
I just joined your blog Five in tow and so glad I did what a beautiful story They are beautiful littles 🙂 God is an amazing father his love and mercy is unending and you saw that when you saw both your little lima beans 😉
I have 5 little boys myself all of them being under age 7, I love the adventure God has given me ……thank you for sharing
Welcome,Jessica! May I be the first to say, “My, you must be busy!” Except I’m probably not the first. 🙂
you are correct, Everytime we go out and about with our family we always meet someone who is surprised to see we have Five and says exactly that
” you must be so busy” and with all boys. lol
I would’nt have it any other way, I am busy, stressed at times but so blessed and happy with my little family. 😉
I have fun playing amy men, making race car tracks, and having pillow fights , I have become a professional dirt and mud cleaner and am the best at buiding forts. and house cleaning is a full time job by itself ……and I hate laundry yes I said it I hate laundry lol it’s a pain 😉
You probably are just as busy with your Five they are all beautiful
I am very happy to have found your blog it’s nice to talk with other mothers who have gone through or are going through the same thing I am ……
thank you God Bless
Our God is an awesome God! Thanks for the pictures of those two little boys – I’m so glad that God allowed our family to have them!
Thank you Kristen for opening up and sharing.
Oh so right: we do not get what we deserve! I am grateful beyond words. Thank you for the reminder.
Such a touching account! You are an amazing writer!
Exquisitely written! I, too, had (significant) breakthrough bleeding (at 6 weeks) when I was pregnant with my twins girls (although I didn’t know it was twins, yet)and I assumed I was miscarrying, since I’d had one before, and that’s how it started. I didn’t actually find out it was twins until 13 weeks later, imagine that.
What a beautiful testimony of God’s lavish grace!
Really? I just spent a few hours pouring over your blog and reading all about your twin story. They are so beautiful, and you are one amazing woman!
Well, I consider that quite the compliment coming from a fellow crazy woman…err…mother of five including twins! Thanks for reading!
We gotta stick together, right? Especially since we’re totally outnumbered at home!
Beautiful.
Thank u for sharing. I am always amazed by ur talent and the beauty of your words and your faith. I know that four day wait all to well. Mine involved no bleeding but a doctor that couldn’t find the heart beat at 10 weeks. He gave me hope by saying it might just be too early to hear but unfortunately that was not the case. It took a while to get pregnant again and I just kept feeling like why me. What did I do to deserve this. But now I am pregnant with my little girl due next month that I know that she would not be here if I didn’t miscarry. I know God has a plan for me and for us all and sometimes it is hard to let him take the lead. Sometimes it is hard to have that faith in him. your blog has helped me along that path of faith and I just want to say thank u!
This was hard for me to read, but it was good. So good. I, too, am thankful that I do not get what I deserve. I am thankful for grace upon grace upon grace.
It is hard to write and even harder to HAVE this kind of mercy when I feel so much that you deserve it more. You, or the other mother I know who has empty arms. I do not understand the ways of God, but I know that His mercy has done more to annihilate me than His judgement ever could. And I am astounded by grace.
If we all got what we deserved, what a miserable hell we’d be living in.
As it is, God redeems. Over and over. In unexpected ways. And this story, I believe, has resounded with so many people because it speaks of redemption by a God who loves.
How grateful I am to be serving this same God…
Thank you for sharing your story! I had almost the same thing happen to me at 8 weeks pregnant. I thought for sure I had lost the baby but when I had the U/S there was a beautifully healthy baby with a very strong heartbeat! This baby had a short time with me though…she was stillborn at almost 24 weeks. But there is nothing that will replace the blessing she was to me those weeks. When I saw her heart beating on that screen I thought how beautiful it was…that God Himself was holding her in His hands. Now she is in His very presence! And you are NOT allowed any “survivor’s guilt” here, LOL! I have 10 precious children and 1 absolutely perfect, funny, adorable, precocious…err…sorry…ahem…1 wonderful granddaughter so God has blessed me abundantly. But the reality of God’s absolute grace and mercy on me to be given one last look at HIS creating and sustaining power within my body is a fantastic blessing. (PS…I happen to be a little partial to red-haired boys…I have 4 of ’em.) 🙂
They are SO beautiful!
I know this story was hard to write, but thank you for writing it.
Thank God for his tender mercies and Grace.
I can barely see to type, this has got to be one of the most beautiful stories I have ever read. You are an incredibly talented writer, You seriously need to write a book of short stories.
Thank you, Donna. I am praying for that very opportunity but trying to be faithful where I have been planted, right here with all of you!
Beautiful!
AMEN!
Thank you for this Kristen!!
You perfectly expressed the emotions I went through as we lost our first baby through miscarriage. About month later I got pregnant again, 3 months into the pregnancy I started to have the same symptoms of the first miscarriage again and I cried out to God, asked Him why and went through the same range of emotions all over again.
I am came to a peace and promised God that if He gave me this little life then I would name him/her something that reflected that. We had a baby girl and we called her Giana which mean’s God’s Graciousness. By God’s grace alone she lived and she is a precious gift. Looking at the pictures of your twins made me cry because I know what a blessing they are to you!
Beautiful. Thanks for sharing.
oh wow. It is not just because I sit here with my two-day-old blessing that I am in tears right now… what a beautiful story! Thank you for sharing…blessings indeed!
Oh Kristy, I remember that time. Oh the sorrow and then the joy, amazing joy. You have been blessed.
Yes, I have, and I have so appreciated all of your prayers for me. If I had had a few more praying friends like you, I might have ended up with triplets. 😉
Tear filled sorrow and joy at once. Thanks for sharing so beautifully 🙂
Oh how beautiful.
I am sitting here bawling because I have been through a miscarriage. It was too early to tell anything and I was only pregnant a week, but I still grieved. I know I shall be reunited with my beautiful baby (I believe it was a girl) one day in Heaven. And three months after my miscarriage I conceived our daughter who is now five years old. Her middle name is Joy. 🙂
I am so happy your story ended up with a doubly happy ending. Your boys are handsome little guys!
Every life is precious and every life is worth grieving. I’m so thankful for that! I’m so thankful that God spent just as much time thinking about and creating that little baby for eternity as He did the rest of us.
Beautiful story and beautiful children! That Ultrasound tech was right, you are blessed!
This is one of the most beautiful things I have ever read…. amazing. I am a new follower, for sure!
I know that feeling of loss. My third baby. At 18 weeks I bled for no reason – a lot and lay upon a bed Emergency thinking my baby was gone and they strove to find him and abate my sense of despair. They medicated me to stop the contractions and put me in a room (in Materinty no less) where unbeknowest to me all the midwives were told I was set to lose my baby soon. I didn’t and he held on. Two weeks later I got out of bed late at night and was feeling a little off, gushes of blood and I was back at the hospital where yet again they told me I had a strong possibility of losing my baby, just too much blood had been lost. But days later he was still in there. I was put on watch, they expected him to come very early, maybe too early. I genstated til 39 + 2! He was born healthy and magnificent.
Ours is now the story they tell to the white washed women clutching their bellies after bleeding, wondering if anyone made it through. We did, you did.
Thankyou for sharing this, thankyou for listening to mine.
Oh and our miracle turns one in a week 😀
That is an incredible story! Happy birthday to that miracle! Hold him tight and thank God for His mercy.
oh geez. i’m not a crier usually, but you got me. grateful God’s mercy came in all it’s fullness to you <3