The plan for the day improved greatly with one phone call Jeff made this morning. He needed to pick up some building materials from a friend, a friend who happens to have three giant trampolines lined up in a row in his backyard. The first one is directly under his roof.
You have no idea how fun it is to have three trampolines lined up in a row just inches from the corner of a roof unless you’ve tried it, or unless you’re under the age of ten and can imagine it.
“I’ll tell ya what,” Gary said when Jeff asked if he could drop by. “You can come on over as long as you bring the family and stay for some lemonade.”
It was settled.
The only trouble was, I’ve been fighting some fierce kid-germs, and they’re still “winning me.” I thought about this as Jeff announced the plan to the kids.
“Yahoo!” they screamed. “We can jump on the trampolines!”
“I don’t think I’ll be able to go,” I said through my stuffy nose. “I’ll probably have to stay home.”
“Even better!” one of the children shouted gleefully.
The words sliced through the air and made a direct hit.
Even better.
Even better if you don’t come.
Even better without you.
It was said carelessly because even very small children can toss heavy words about as if they weigh nothing at all, as if they mean nothing at all.
But they meant something to me, and I felt myself bleeding out right there in the middle of the kitchen because those words cut deep.
Those words were not the words of my child; they are the words of my Enemy.
They are dark words, and deep like the depths of the ocean. When all the house is asleep and the moon brings in a tide of self-doubt, I feel myself getting sucked into the currents and drowning into that ocean. It tells me that I am not enough, that I have messed it up, that I am not cut out for this. It gurgles up in me and I hear the rush of it in my ears: they all would be better off without me.
My child does not know that I have heard these words before, and often, in my own heart and my own mind. He does not know how they leave me clinging to the rocks and chanting to myself, “It is not true. It is not true.”
This child does not know how it cuts me to hear in broad daylight the words I fight in the dark.
Those words hang in the air between us and for an awful moment, I am swept out to sea by a sudden wave and I cannot breathe. It is true. All my failings, all my shortcomings, all my inadequacies: every single one of them is true. They would all be better off with someone else.
But wait…
They are not true, and they are not the words of my child. They are the words of my Enemy. I come up for air, grab hold of a bit of craggy rock, and see it for what it is. How dare my Enemy use my child’s lips to utter his lies! How dare he tread on that holy ground.
Because this calling is not my own. I did not bear these children out of my own desire, nor was I given them out of my own goodness or ability. A thousand women with empty arms deserved this more. I know it. I think of Mother’s Day, looming large on my calendar, and I weep for them because I feel so undeserving of the gift they desire. Why me? Why not them?
It is a whirlpool that easily sucks me in. I can drown in my inadequacies and I can grieve the probability that another mother could do it better, but it doesn’t erase the fact that God gave me a name I did not earn.
He called me mother.
It is a grace-calling. And grace-callings are the hardest ones to answer, I find, because they never-ever-never-ever fit right.
Because if it fit right, it wouldn’t be grace.
If it fit right, it wouldn’t leave me stumbling and tripping over my own mantle like some kind of misfit, or wrestling with doubts and uncertainties like a kid who can’t figure out how to put on her own dress.
If it fit right, I wouldn’t have to trust that God knew best, despite how I perform…
…despite what my kids think of me…
…despite the fact that I am impatient…
…and also selfish.
Despite the fact that I can’t get my arms in my own sleeves–despite all of it.
I was not called to be a mother because I was going to be good at it.
I was called to be a mother because God could make something good out of it, despite me.
I am wet and dripping, half-drowned and inglorious, yet God bends to whisper in my ear,
“It’s better with you here.”
I struggle to believe it.
It is better with you here because I AM the One who called you.
That is the truth I need to hear, and often, a truth that speaks in a whisper but shouts above the waves.
It is better with you here.
100 Beautiful Days of Motherhood: 41
Weeping…sobbing…beating the mattress on my bed where I’ve curled up…hiding from my own 5 beautiful, amazing gifts. Too much time trying to do this alone, taking pride in how much I accomplish has left me exhausted and doubtful.
I’m going to take a step now…a seemingly impossible step but I know if I start, God will carry me the rest of the way. I’m going to step outside my bedroom door, go downstairs to the kitchen and make some muffins for these children that, for a reasons unfathomable to me, God has so graciously given me.
Thank you so very, very much for this post. I keep coming back and re-reading, tears running down my face each time, as it touches such a tender area for me. Those LIES, I battle them every day, sometimes overcoming, sometimes losing and sinking down, down, drowning. My first child is still a baby, young enough to still think I am his favorite person in the world, and his unconditional acceptance warms my heart in ways I did not expect. Yet always lurking is the fear I cannot even quite articulate – the fear that as soon as he is old enough to see me as I really am, old enough to need discipline, old enough to talk, he will turn away and reject me, saying hateful things whether they are fully meant or not. He inevitably WILL at some point, and I will reel and shrivel and pull away. As a bossy big sister I grew up being told by my siblings that I am bad with children and children don’t like me and they were so glad I wasn’t THEIR mother. Now I am a mother for real. I feel pity for my son being stuck with me, through no choice of his own, when a million other women would have been better. I feel so fragile, so inadequate, so weak, so scared. Thank you for reminding me of truth, of God’s grace, of the bigger picture. I plan to print this post out and keep it in my journal, as I know I will need to hear its message again and again.
Thank you for posting this.
Are you going to tell us about that picture up on top, or am I reading into things too much? 🙂
Yup, Been there. Done that. So, so good, friend.
I struggle with not being a mother. My husband made a comment yesterday that cut through the air and had that temporary sting of reality–“even though you’re not a mother….” the rest of the sentence didn’t even compute. Yep, that’s what the enemy does, he uses those who are closest to us to get under our skin. The dark cloud came and went quickly because in the depths of my soul I know I am a child of the King and that’s more precious than anything here on this earth.
Thank you for sharing this. I speaks of my life and experience (tho we don’t have a friend with all the trampolines). Just last night those LIES were swimming through my head in the dark, and I kept declaring, not true, I am enough with God as my guide. It took a very long time for me to actually believe it I guess, because those lies didn’t ease quickly. Thank you again.
The Enemy was a liar from the beginning. I know those kids and I know you and I know that there is no real truth in the statement. I have felt rejected too. It hurts…but Dad reminds me of who I Am.
This is beautiful and something I’m wrestling with myself right now! Thanks for sharing your heart! God bless you!!
thank you.just,thank you…
Wow–God is soo gracious isn’t it!? I am so glad that you were able to see that lie for what it was!! It has given me something to cling to if/when I ever face a similar situation.
Beautifully conveyed, Kristen. Thank you so much for sharing your heart—and your pain–and your truth!
It is better with you here because I AM the One who called you
Thank you!!!! I needed that boost today! God called me to this and He will give me Grace to get through it
This post was everything I think but am not eloquent enough to express! Lately my struggle has been with control, feeling like my life is falling apart, and realizing that I don’t REALLY trust God. I’ve been a Christian my whole life, so it feels wrong to be working through these feelings. I know they are lies from Satan but they feel so true. Keep on writing! I love your blog!
This post was amazing. I never thought about motherhood being a calling from God. It doesn’t feel that way when you in the trenches of mommyhood, changing diaper after diaper, making meal after meal, dealing with tantrum after tantrum. I hear that voice so many times telling me that I am not good enough and wondering what was God even thinking by allowing me to be a mom. I feel inadequate, especially now that one of my children is special needs. I hear that voice when I remember that my last baby wasn’t even planned and came as a surprise, after a vasectomy had already been scheduled. I never thought that maybe those feelings are just Satan trying to cast seeds of fear and doubt in my mind, pushing me to give up. I am crying right now as I type to know that you put my feelings into words, shared them with me, right when I needed it. God has definitely used you in my life and thank you so much for being brave enough to be honest. God bless.
This was helpful.
I had to go back and read this again, because most of the second part of this (the positive part, of course) didn’t even register the first time through. It is frightening to realize that my brain is that warped. I have been struggling with those self-same voices for most of my life. I know it is the enemy’s way of neutralizing God’s influence through me on those in my life. Thank you for the reminder of the grace we have been given.
Kristen – so good!! So needful. And perfectly appropriate right before Mother’s Day. Sharing this with my readers. Thanks for sharing your heart and the Truth.
Wow! How one off-handed remark, from a child who will enjoy the “freedom” of jumping on a trampoline without a mother to caution’s restraint and word’s to “be careful!” can hurt! You are so right to place the blame where it belongs.
That’s exactly what it was, too: and offhanded remark made by a child who wanted to jump off a roof without a mother there to worry. 🙂 But man, it hurt like it was said intentionally because it verified my doubts in myself. My child said what I hear in my head sometimes, and I had to recognize that just because it came out of kid-lips doesn’t mean it is true.
Thank you so much for sharing. The Enemy is a master deceiver. He sneaks in everywhere if we aren’t filling those cracks with Our Father’s loving truths! Keep on truckin’, Mama! We can do this!
I’m speechless. You are a true blessing. Your blog feeds a thirst for me as a new Mother. Going to bed nightly feeling inadequate and never meeting my own expectations. Thank you for making this more clear to me that there is a bigger battle. I pray God continues to use you in more lives than you can EVEN imagine. Hope you are feeling better. It’s such a vulnerable state of mind when one is ill. May God bless you! I enjoy your post more than I can express!
Thank you for this Kristen. I struggle with this too and I relate. Samuel, with his sensory issues, won’t let me kiss him. He jerks himself away from me and it hurts. He’s not teasing me. Sometimes I have to negotiate with him saying about what I could do to show my love. I appreciate that you wrote about it being used by the Enemy for an attack and how dare he use that holy ground.
Hope you feel better soon!
Thank you for writing this! My kids haven’t been talking for very long, but satan started screaming loudly in my thoughts long ago. This was an encouragement to me this morning, before my battle begins. 🙂
This is gloriously beautiful, friend. Truth right in the middle of lies. It brings to light the constant battle– and is a reminder of who we are fighting. Thank you.
I’m thinking of you this weekend, Natasha. All week you’ve been on my mind, and I have wanted to find a way to say “Happy Mother’s Day” to you, my friend, one of the truest mothers I know.
Even though I am a gram now, I still think of my shortcomings as a parent. The enemy is busy, indeed, trying to corrupt the heart of the kingdom: the family. He seems to be winning on many fronts.
Thank you, dear one, for calling it what it is – an attack. Prayers being sent up for all on this page. Hope you are feeling better.
He is busy indeed. But he is not as strong as I give him credit for being, and your prayers are already making him tremble. Thank you, Gail!
I’m typing with tears dripping down my chin. I struggle every day with the effects of a childhood filled with hurt and most days feel completely inadequate. Yesterday was a bad day and I wondered out loud to my husband last night if I was dragging him down or if he and our kids would be better off without me. Luckily my husband is a great man and had the words I needed to hear. I really needed your words today. Thank you for your constant vulnerability in your blog.
Bless you for blessing me so much with this post. I too am a struggling mom who falls short too many times. You have no idea how words (of the evil one’s lies) like those made me stumble. Such a powerful reminder, even for me who lives half the globe away! Please do keep writing, you’re one of my favorite blogger/writer ever.
How I need to remember this. My parents were called to serve in Africa for 30 years as missionairies and it’s easy to say “Oh that took God’s grace each and every day”. But the truth is, the calling to be a mother is just as much a calling of God that cannot be done without His grace each and every day. I fail every day, but is it true that His mercies are new every morning? That His grace is sufficient, that only He knows what I am capable of through Him? because He made me. Exodus 4: 11-12 “…Now go and I will be with thee….” I just have to share that God again kept true to His promises in these verses and has helped us to have direction with the special child that God has given us. There is no roadmap for this child and no one has done this before but God has answered prayer and has given us the wisdom and answers we need every single time. It is truly learning to live by faith in Him alone. Thanks for letting me share. (Please forgive the grammatical errors 🙂
YES! I think you’ve struck on something very important, that we sometimes forget we need grace for this parenting thing because we think it should come easy, or it should be natural, and if it isn’t, we feel guilty about it. In reality, the fact that it isn’t easy just shows that it’s even more a grace, and we need grace to get through it. Thank you for this!
you have no idea how much i needed this today. thank you x
Thank you, Kate.
You have such a special gift with words, Kristen. This piece is so touching for me. I’m not good at expressing my thoughts and feelings. I identified with this so much. You put it into words for me. God bless you.
Thank you, June. It always surprises me when people understand because I think Satan likes to make us think we’re the only ones. It kind of takes the power away when I realize this is just another one of his old tricks.
That’s when you’ve made a friend (online or in person) — when someone shares something about themselves, and the other says “wait…you too!?” 🙂
Agreed, great post.
Wow!! Thank you for being so “real” to your readers. I struggle with this issue quite a bit actually. Although, I am that girl that desired children for 9 long years and God blessed me with one then four yrs later quadruplets and after losing one He blessed me with one more. 5 kiddos 10, 6,6,6, &5. I home school as well and it is not easy. I have a degree in Elementary Education and taught for 3 yrs. I started home schooling my oldest when he was in 2nd grade, the teachers wanted to put him on medication. Well…it has not been easy and I feel every day that I am failing my kids. God has called me to this yes but it doesn’t make it any easier.. especially when you are the only one going through this. Our home school community doesn’t have any get together events, plus we are new to the community. Sorry for my long comment. Thank you for posting this and sharing from your heart! Blessings to you and your family!
Thank you for responding. I struggled through posting this because I didn’t know if anyone else would “get it,” and I felt pretty vulnerable about the whole thing. But one thing I’ve learned during this blog is that I’m not alone.
And you are certainly not alone, although I have never had quadruplets! But I know how hard homeschooling is and I feel for you and the transitions you are going through. I wish I could come and give you a big hug!