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Kristen Anne Glover

Five in Tow

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Better With You Here

Kristen Glover

The plan for the day improved greatly with one phone call Jeff made this morning.  He needed to pick up some building materials from a friend, a friend who happens to have three giant trampolines lined up in a row in his backyard.  The first one is directly under his roof.

You have no idea how fun it is to have three trampolines lined up in a row just inches from the corner of a roof unless you’ve tried it, or unless you’re under the age of ten and can imagine it.

“I’ll tell ya what,” Gary said when Jeff asked if he could drop by.  “You can come on over as long as you bring the family and stay for some lemonade.”

It was settled.

The only trouble was, I’ve been fighting some fierce kid-germs, and they’re still “winning me.”  I thought about this as Jeff announced the plan to the kids.

“Yahoo!” they screamed.  “We can jump on the trampolines!”

“I don’t think I’ll be able to go,” I said through my stuffy nose.  “I’ll probably have to stay home.”

“Even better!” one of the children shouted gleefully.

The words sliced through the air and made a direct hit.

Even better.

Even better if you don’t come.

Even better without you.

It was said carelessly because even very small children can toss heavy words about as if they weigh nothing at all, as if they mean nothing at all.

But they meant something to me, and I felt myself bleeding out right there in the middle of the kitchen because those words cut deep.

Those words were not the words of my child; they are the words of my Enemy.

They are dark words, and deep like the depths of the ocean.  When all the house is asleep and the moon brings in a tide of self-doubt, I feel myself getting sucked into the currents and drowning into that ocean.  It tells me that I am not enough, that I have messed it up, that I am not cut out for this.  It gurgles up in me and I hear the rush of it in my ears: they all would be better off without me. 

My child does not know that I have heard these words before, and often, in my own heart and my own mind.  He does not know how they leave me clinging to the rocks and chanting to myself, “It is not true.  It is not true.”

This child does not know how it cuts me to hear in broad daylight the words I fight in the dark. 

Those words hang in the air between us and for an awful moment, I am swept out to sea by a sudden wave and I cannot breathe.  It is true.  All my failings, all my shortcomings, all my inadequacies: every single one of them is true.  They would all be better off with someone else.

But wait…

They are not true, and they are not the words of my child.  They are the words of my Enemy.  I come up for air, grab hold of a bit of craggy rock, and see it for what it is.  How dare my Enemy use my child’s lips to utter his lies!  How dare he tread on that holy ground.

Because this calling is not my own.  I did not bear these children out of my own desire, nor was I given them out of my own goodness or ability.  A thousand women with empty arms deserved this more.  I know it.  I think of Mother’s Day, looming large on my calendar, and I weep for them because I feel so undeserving of the gift they desire.  Why me?  Why not them?

It is a whirlpool that easily sucks me in.  I can drown in my inadequacies and I can grieve the probability that another mother could do it better, but it doesn’t erase the fact that God gave me a name I did not earn.

He called me mother. 

It is a grace-calling.  And grace-callings are the hardest ones to answer, I find, because they never-ever-never-ever fit right.

Because if it fit right, it wouldn’t be grace. 

If it fit right, it wouldn’t leave me stumbling and tripping over my own mantle like some kind of misfit, or wrestling with doubts and uncertainties like a kid who can’t figure out how to put on her own dress.

If it fit right, I wouldn’t have to trust that God knew best, despite how I perform…

…despite what my kids think of me…

…despite the fact that I am impatient…

…and also selfish.

Despite the fact that I can’t get my arms in my own sleeves–despite all of it.

I was not called to be a mother because I was going to be good at it.

I was called to be a mother because God could make something good out of it, despite me.

I am wet and dripping, half-drowned and inglorious, yet God bends to whisper in my ear,

“It’s better with you here.”

I struggle to believe it.

It is better with you here because I AM the One who called you.

That is the truth I need to hear, and often, a truth that speaks in a whisper but shouts above the waves.

It is better with you here. 

 

100 Beautiful Days of Motherhood: 41

100 Days of Motherhood, Uncategorized 39 Comments

I’m for Childhood

Skinned Knees

I’m for skinned knees,

Grass stains,

Sweaty foreheads,

And Band-Aids.

Sweaty boy

I’m for ice cream drips,

And soggy cones,

For Popsicle stains,

And Icees.

Icees

I’m for campfires,

Sooty hotdogs,

Lightning bugs,

And stars.Campfire

I’m for blanket forts,

Bedtime stories,

And flashlights.

I’m for sleeping close.

Sleeping Close

I’m for swings under trees,

Daisy chains,

And dandelion fluff.

I’m for touching the sky.

Blowing Dandelions

I’m for wide fields,

Deep woods,

And All Things Scary.

I’m for adventure.

Brave of all scary

I’m for Good Guys,

For super-hero capes,

Stick-swords,

And muscles.

Muscle man

I’m for King of the Mountain,

Tag,

And Hide-n-Seek.

I’m for playing.

Hide 'n Seek

I’m for road trips,

And “You’re-on-my-side,”

And “He’s-looking-at-me,”

And “If I have to pull over…”

Road Trip

I’m for bicycles,

Going too fast,

And Down-Hill.

I’m for brakes.

Bikes

I’m for climbing trees,

Apple picking,

And leaf piles.

I’m for pumpkins.

Pumpkin picking

I’m for Grandma’s house,

Sleepovers,

And extra dessert.

I’m for being spoiled.

Spoiled

I’m for stuffed animals,

the Tooth Fairy,

Christmas stockings,

And wishes.

Wishes

I’m for first snowfalls,

Soggy mittens,

And cocoa.

I’m for marshmallows.

Cocoa and Marshmallows

I’m for freckles,

Sticky kisses,

And dimpled hands.

I’m for “I love you.”

I love you

I’m for rainbows,

Twirling umbrellas,

And puddles.

I’m for mud pies.

Muddy Boots

I’m for stomping.

I’m for skipping,

And running,

And flying.

Summersaults

I’m for imagination,

For new crayons,

Fresh paper,

And possibilities.

Crafting

Crafting

I’m for discovery,

For turning over rocks,

Taking a leap,

Being brave.

Brave

I’m for newborn noises,

Kid conversations,

And questions.

I’m for naps.

Jonathan sleeping

I’m for growing.

I’m for new clothes,

Birthdays,

And missing teeth.

Happy Birthday

I’m for time—

For eternal days,

And days that go too quickly.

I’m for childhood.

Faith

100 Days of Motherhood, 40

100 Days of Motherhood, Parenting 8 Comments

DIY Disney Tie-Dye Shirts

When I found out my kids were going to Disneyland, I knew I wanted to make them personalized t-shirts to help break the surprise.

I thought about doing something hand-appliqued, but who am I kidding?  I did not have time for that.

Then I thought about doing a tie-dye shirt for each of the kids, but I wanted to keep myself on budget and I didn’t have dyes on hand.  Also, I thought it would be hard to hide a tie-dye operation from the children.

That’s when I remembered a project I did with some kids I used to babysit.  We made reverse tie-dyed shirts using bright t-shirts and bleach.  I thought I could do a variation of reverse tie-dye to create personalized shirts for each of the kids.

First, I stopped at Michael’s craft store and picked up three t-shirts.  They were out of most colors so I had to settle for neon.  It felt so…’80’s.  But I consoled myself with thoughts of the big ol’ bottle of bleach waiting for me at home.

Once the kids were in bed and I had threatened to take away all of their stuffed animals if they set foot downstairs, I got to work.

First, I created a Mickey Mouse template.  

DIY Mickey Mouse Shirts

If you’re uncomfortable making a template on your own, just search for “Mickey Mouse silhouette” and you’ll find lots of printable options.  I just didn’t want to to waste the ink.

Yes, I am that cheap.

I traced around the Mouse with a white crayon.  You could use chalk or a fabric pencil if you have one on hand.  But white crayons are in abundance around here because how often can you use a white crayon?

Next, I created my own bleach pen.

Bleach pens are basically bleach in gel form.  You can get them at the grocery store in the laundry aisle.

But, I didn’t want to spend $3.50 on a bleach pen because I am my father’s daughter, and I have distinct memories of him telling the clerk at McDonald’s that it couldn’t possibly cost eight dollars to purchase hamburgers and water for a family of five.

Besides, I thought I could make my own for just pennies.  It turns out, I could.

I had an empty plastic bottle with a tip–you know, the kind you might use for ketchup and mustard.  I use mine for frosting cookies.  Into that bottle, I poured about an inch of liquid hand soap and about a tablespoon of bleach.  Swish, swish, swish, and wallah!  Bleach pen.

I tested the bleach pen on a piece of cardboard just to make sure it was “gelled” enough.  I wanted my bleach pen to be a little runny, just enough to give the t-shirts a paint-splattered look.

I slid a piece of cardboard in between the layers of each t-shirt so the bleach wouldn’t bleed to the back.

Finally, I traced around the crayon outline with the bleach pen.

DIY Bleach Pen

I created a nice, fat outline.  As you can see, the bleach didn’t bleed much, even though I didn’t mind if it did a little.

DIY Disney shirts

I actually had to create a “bleed” by dabbing the pen around a bit.  I didn’t want it to look perfect.

Also, I wanted each shirt to look different, so I made splattered look on Jonathan’s shirt, and polka dots on Kya’s.

DIY Disney shirts

I wanted to create tiger stripes on Faith’s, but her shirt was WAY committed to being neon pink.  I had to stop and make a stronger bleach slurry, but it barely touched the color on that shirt.  The lines faded enough to give me an outline, so I decided I’d have to go back and add some glitter paint to try to make it stand out like the others.

DIY Disney shirts

As you can see, Faith’s Tiger Minnie is struggling because that hot pink is fierce.

Let the bleach pen work until the shirts are faded to the color you want.  Remove the cardboard.  It will look really cool and you will like it:

DIY Disney shirts

Bleach pen + cardboard = wood burned effect? Fabulous!

Rinse the shirts in the sink to carefully remove the bleach without getting it everywhere.  Then, wash and dry the shirts.  This is how Jonathan’s looked, straight out of the dryer.  You can see the tie-dye look in the white.

Bleach Pen Disney Shirts

Lastly, add any embellishments you’d like.

I had to add some glitter paint to Faith’s shirt because the lines were just too faint on her Minnie Mouse.  I happened to have some fabric paint on hand so I just used what I had.  Thankfully, it dried quickly because this girl was still working on these shirts on the day of departure.  No stress!  No stress!

I wanted the girls’ shirts to have bows on the ears so it would be clear they were Minnie Mouse shirts, not Mickey Mouse shirts.

Kya’s got an over-sized variegated ribbon on the ear.

Bleach Pen Disney Shirts

It’s SO Kya.

I struggled a bit more with Faith’s because she doesn’t like bows on her person.  She’s a tween, what can I say?  Actually, she’s never been a fan of bows.  She gets that from her mother.  Ahem.

Also, I didn’t have a ribbon I liked.  I wished I had something leopard-spotted, but I didn’t.  I didn’t even have any black ribbon, which also would have looked neat.  I dug around in my ribbon bin and that’s when I saw the perfect solution: a black zipper.

I separated the zipper and turned it into an edgy-bow.  The teeth of the zipper looked great with the gold glitter paint I was forced to use on the tiger stripes.  I added a little bling to the center and it was done.

While I didn’t love the way the tiger stripes turned out, I did love the bow.  It was perfect for Faith–not too girly, not too grown-up.

Bleach Pen Disney Shirts

All in all, I loved the way they came out.  The kids said people stopped them at Disney to comment on their shirts.  I should have written “Five in Tow” on the backs.  Can you say “missed advertising opportunity”?

Bleach Pen Disney Shirts

Here they are, ready to fly to Disney!

Disneyland!

Nana, Uncle Fred, Aunt Lavonne, Faith, Jonathan, and Kya, ready to head to Disney!

Next time, I’ll make shirts for all of them!

Crafts, Parenting 11 Comments

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I believe you can find grace for the mother you are and help to become the mother you long to be—a mom who has the freedom to choose the better things and enjoy her kids right now.

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