It has been nearly a year since my husband came home from work and told me the private school where he had taught for five years was downsizing and he would not have a job in the fall. It has been nearly a year of waiting, praying for open doors, flinching when doors shut, and trying to remain faithful instead of fearful.
But it has also been a year of beautiful provision, of seeing the hand of God in the embrace of friends. We have been well-loved, and whenever I begin to feel like I am just another face in the crowd, someone flashes a smile at me and I remember I am treasured. I am known.
It gets me every time and brings me to my knees. I am so prone to doubt. I quickly grow weary in the waiting. But God provides for me still, independent of my trust in Him. A stranger in a checkout lane presses a five-dollar bill into my hand and tells the children to pick out a candy bar. My husband’s former principal decides to include him in part of the staff Christmas bonus even though Jeff no longer works there. I receive a check in the mail from someone who hardly knows me but was told by my Daddy to take care of me.
I am reminded that I am a child, a sheep, a prodigal, but God’s love for me is audacious and unfaltering.
You’d think I would know that by now, but it takes the breath right out of me. It has been a year of living in the lavish love of God, and still it amazes me.
But it has also been a year of hanging out in the hallway, and I wonder why I still get my fingers pinched in the doors that close. It all comes from sticking my fingers where they don’t belong, I suppose.
Still, I wonder, why God has to shut doors so hard. Maybe it’s because I have a habit of trying to force open the doors that shut. I’m not very good at hanging out in the hallway. I’m anxious to find a place to belong again.
So with trembling hearts we come to another door and wonder if this is the one that will open. Jeff is in the final steps of applying for Active Duty chaplaincy with the Army. He has been a reserve chaplain for well over a year and has found that it suits him very well. He loves being in the field with his “congregation,” serving the men and women who serve our country. It is a joy to see him enjoying the opportunity to pastor in a most unexpected way.
It has been a long journey, though, and an exhausting one. The application process to the military is an unending pile of paperwork and appointments. For months, he’s been hard at work at it, and we’re just about to the end. Tuesday, he has an interview with the senior chaplain at Ft. Lewis. Then, in mid-April, a board will review Jeff’s application and decide whether he’s in. Or not.
And there is the nagging question of whether this is where God wants us at all. It seems like it, but on the other hand, we love the local church. Perhaps God is calling us to love a little congregation somewhere, or join a church-planting team that focuses on planting churches near military bases around the world.
Or perhaps the chaplaincy is right where God wants us. It seems so, and our hearts have begun to hope so. We’re about to test the door to find out.
Most days, I’m excited because we’re running out of places where God does not want us. It stands to reason that pretty soon, we’re going to find a place to walk through.
But then, the fear seizes me at unexpected times. I want to be wanted. I want my husband to be able to use his gifts and be able to minister according to his calling. I do not want to hear another no. It’s easy to talk a big about faith but when the months roll on and on and the answers come in words that make me feel inadequate and unwanted, I falter. Help me, Jesus.
Will you pray with us? Even in my fear, I do not want to go where God is not leading. I would rather have a closed door than an easy path where God is not. Pray that I will remain faithful and steadfast in the waiting. Pray for God to lead and thank Him for provision. We are blessed, indeed, because we are not lacking. We are dwelling in the lavish love of Christ.
Even if it’s in the hallway.
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Treadmill question about the incline and strengthening abdominal muscles?My question is with walking on a treadmill, if you want to strengthen your lower abdominal muscles is it better to walk on the treadmill at a faster pace or up the incline and walk at a lower pace. In your opinion which one would exercise the lower abdominal muscles more . Thanks
Indeed, Junsu is one of the most talented vocalist out there. I appreciate that he tries to do more and expand his skillset but please leave the producing to the real professionals. The production value of most of the songs in this album was so amateurish. I really only liked Lullaby…
Honestly, this is so truthful and how I have felt recently. I needed to read this tonight and I’m so thankful that you wrote it. Prayers abounding and love surrounding!
Thank you Sara. Praying for you as you wait in the hallway too!
Found you through your Allume post. My husband is an endorser for military chaplains, an Anglican priest leading a church planting movement in North America. We’re headed to England in May to be with some of them and visit the bases there. We’ve also moved eight times in our marriage, some of those years on support as missionaries. There was just so much in your post that made me shake my head in understanding. Hoping the doors open and the journey will be sweet. Nice to meet you.
Thank you, Shelly! I have been so amazed at how God has brought women like you into my life. It is not necessary to be understood, but it is SO nice! Thank you for taking the time to hop over here and encourage me!
Thank you for sharing so authentically. My husband lost his job over 2 years ago when I was 7 months pregnant with our 3rd child & after 350 (yes 350) closed doors, he was led to a new career & this door FLUNG open. I’ll be praying for a clear path for you & peace in the process. I know what that wait is like. “You can pound your fist on the chest of the lion then weep in His mane.” Sheila Walsh.
Wow, Cathy. That is an amazing story! Thank you for praying and encouraging me. We have a good Father, don’t we?
I don’t think my comment went before, but just wanted to thank you. I am new to your blog but have already been so encouraged many times over reading it. My husband and I are in a very similar time ourselves and in fact, I recently wrote a blog myself about waiting in the hallway…thanks for being so open and real. Kerry Thelen
Thank you, Kerry! I have been so encouraged by all of you, and humbled too because I am in such good company. Thank you, Kerry!
Can you send me the link to your blog post, Kerry? I’d love to read it.
http://kerrysuzana.blogspot.com.br/2013_01_01_archive.html I think this will get you there. I am still an amateur on here 🙂
This is my hallway quote: Whenever God closes a door He always opens another, even though sometimes it’s hell in the hallway. -Unknown
As Anne said above, He is sitting in the hallway with you. I’ll pray that the path God wants you to take is made clear.
I am so proud of you for this post, dear friend! 😀
And OF COURSE I am praying!!!
“I will trust and not be afraid.” or “When I am afraid, I will trust.” (Psalm 56 and others) Either way, God gets us there. Will look forward to seeing how God works. And I agree with Kathy G – keep writing!
I’ll be praying!!!!
My husband is an Active Duty Chaplain in the Army (also came over from Reserves). From what I know of you and your family, it sounds like your husband would be a wonderful addition to the Army Chaplaincy. And then I can only hope to be stationed at the same post with you and meet you in person. I have truly enjoyed and been convicted and encouraged by your writing. Thank you. Praying for God’s will to be done and peace and trust in your hearts whatever the decision.
Thank you, Michelle! That is an encouragement to me. I would love to meet you! Where are you stationed now?
We are in Germany right now! Sounds like a dream come true, but it’s been rather difficult with 3 little kids. 🙂
Wow! Germany is Jeff’s first choice of duty stations. He was stationed there when he was in the Airforce and LOVED it. We know it’s kind of a long-shot to get that as his first duty station, but I’ll definitely look you up if we get over there!
You have to hear the Voice of God. I have been through it, too. I am 100% sure that Karen, David and I are right in the middle of what God is doing. We literally are seeing God move in miraculous ways. I truly believe God is doing something special, but it only comes by revelation, and I mean revelation…God must speak to you. We are tempted to go this direction or that direction, and these things may be good godly things. However, we must be willing to forsake all things in order to find His perfect will. I believe our hearts know, and I know that the Lord will show us His way if we are truly willing to die to self and really seek Him, and then we must be willing to follow. I know at the end of the day God will bless you and your family, and in this we can take much comfort and have great hope.
Warmed my heart to hear about the Christmas bonus. We lost a really good teacher and a great man, someone who knew how to model Christ-like maturity and the blessedness of fun to the young men (and women) he taught. You are enveloped in the love of the saints God has brought into your life.
Loved your post, and I will certainly be praying for your family. I don’t live far
from Ft Lewis, if you need a babysitter sometimes, my kids are grown, and I
miss having children in my life, give me a whistle. I was never happier,
than when my kitchen was filled with kids making pizza, or cookies.
That’s so sweet, Vicky! We’re actually quite a bit north of Ft. Lewis, but it sure would be fun to meet you if I ever come along for a drill weekend!
I will be praying for your family. My husband left full time ministry 12 years ago and has been active duty ever since. It was interesting to see how God worked to bring us to where we are today. He closed the doors to church work and opened the doors to the military. I’ll be praying that God will give you and your hubby a clear path so that you can discern His will. Military life has not been easy. In fact, we are going through our 6th deployment in 12 years, but there have been many, many more blessings. The good has outweighed the bad. Thank you for your ministry! It has been an encouragement to me!
I will pray for you! I feel like we’ve been in the hallway for much of the past four years. My husband is an assistant pastor but has to work another job to supplement–and even then there is next to nothing left at the end of each month. But we are nowhere near starving, our children have been freely given almost everything they have, and we live luxuriously compared to so many in the world! God is good, and I am excited about the future He has for us!
It will be a pleasure and an honor to intercede for you. That’s what we are all about, right?
Hallelujah! I needed this-you’re my savior.
Well that’s a fact. But, then, if this is also true, then why do these same men affiliate themselves with this term, ‘gang’? What’s the meaning behind it? Or rather, What’s Behind The Colours?
You have the monopoly on useful information-aren’t monopolies illegal? 😉
Definitely will pray for you!
Thank you, Emily.
Praying here as we wait for our door to open as well. You inspire me as Jeff has been wondering about quitting his job to head into full time ministry. Can I just say it freaks me out? And yet I want to be where He wants us and see that lavish love of God provide for us instead of relying on my own strength. Praying lovingly.
Praying for you as well. Maybe we’ll end up closer geographically! I would love to pray with you IN PERSON sometime!
Praying!! We certainly know how you are feeling with the waiting. And the faltering… and the lavish love! How wonderful to read your words that describe it so well. Hang in there! Many are praying.
Thank you, Chris and Lynne. It is good to know I’m part of a great big awesome family, and somehow, we’re all in this together!
The nice thing is – He’s sitting in the hallway with you!
What a beautiful story about God’s provision! God has been gracious in providing for us this year as well and I will be praying for you, that God’s will may be clear to you and your husband. He is so faithful and His timing is so perfect that it is nothing to Him to carry your family along until you are at exactly the right place, at exactly the right time, to reach exactly the right person. You and your husband are obviously both ready — God’s still moving the other folks along to be able to meet up with you at just the right time.
I have been following your blogs now for a month and enjoying them so much. You are a huge encouragement to me. My family is in a hallway presently and I could relate to this post so much–in fact, I posted a blog about waiting in the hallway not too long ago too.
I will pray. I know the hallway all too well and the fear that lingers. I also know of God’s very clear direction and that He does not hide His will from us. Try to enjoy your time in the hallway knowing that this is preparation for your future service to Him! 🙂
Thank you! At times, it is very enjoyable, especially since I get to spend a little more time with my husband these days! I appreciate your prayers.
*waves from her own hallway*
🙂
It’s lovely to be in such good company. 🙂
Lord God, You know the hearts of this family and the desire they have to serve You. Give them discernment, clarity, wisdom and peace. When the enemy throws doubt, worry, or anxiety at them, remind Kristie that You.Are.God and that she should remember Your powerful Word. The fear, worry, anxiety is NOT from our Prince of Peace. Your Word says so. Walk each step with them, Lord, Jesus, and hold them close to Your heart, and continue to draw them closer to each other as well. Amen. P.S. I am excited about what God will do next. Please keep writing; I am encouraged.
Thank you so much, Kathy. You bless me. And you are so right–the fear is NOT from Him and I don’t want it around!
Some of my best crochet work gets done sitting on the floor in the hallway…waiting for some appointment or other.