It should not cut like that
Two weeks ago, I wrote a post, closed my computer, and fell to the floor, exhausted. My series of thirty posts had come to an end, and I felt all at once relieved and amazed and utterly undone.
Words shouldn’t unravel me like that, I think, and I should not feel this way, especially after all that God has done. I started this blog a year ago, stepping out in faith and trying not to be afraid of the fact that I might have been wrong about something I thought was a gift, about something I thought God could use.
Over the course of the days, post after post, all I have has been laid bare, and all that is in me–and all that is not–has been exposed. Something of God has been exposed too, it seems, but I am tired. Wrecked.
Perhaps it is an emotional crisis and I will get over it in a day or two, I think. But the days roll on and on, and I have stayed here, contemplating the carpet, unable to move, unable to get up and do this again. I wonder if there is anything left. And if there is anything left, is it any good? For the first time since all this began, I think perhaps I should stop. No, that’s not quite it. I do not wonder if I should stop. I wonder if I can go on.
I will close my eyes, I think, just for a little while, and sleep.
Then I hear God saying to me, “What are you doing here?”
I am hiding, God. I am hiding like Adam in the garden. I am hiding like Elijah in the cave. I am hiding like Jonah in the bottom of a ship. I am hiding because it has all been too much. You’ve been great–really. But it has all been a little too hard, and I do not know if I can do it again.
I am hiding because I am afraid.
Be not afraid.
I am hiding because I am weak.
I am strong.
I am hiding because I have nothing left.
I am sufficient.
I am hiding because this matters, God! It matters, and I am not doing it very well.
I know it matters; I’m the One who called you to it.
You should have known better.
I don’t make mistakes.
I know that.
Really?
It’s just that other people are doing it better—and without even breaking a sweat—and I am flat out on the floor over a little bit of mediocrity.
Let me be the judge of that.
But I am afraid. I’m afraid that I’m not…enough.
You are not enough. But I AM.
It is a whisper, a still small voice, that rushes in and forces tears from eyes that have grown dull. It is truth that catches in my lungs like a breath of life. I have felt so ruined. But it is as if bone is joined to bone and my brokenness is repaired. Sinews and ligaments and muscles grow over and cover my weakness. Flesh fills in where blood has spilled and I am raised up again.
It is more than enough. It is everything.
So, what are you doing here?
I was just getting up.
I love your blog! Usually what you write seems to fit my life for the day. Your words are real, your experiences have helped me see the humour in my own life. God will pick us all up to do what He desires.
Ah, just one of the examples I love reading your blog.. love you girl – wait! Have we met? Not really, then again… yeah… we have.
Yes, I know what you’re saying…I can’t but He can. Tears come to my eyes. Thanks for the good reminder.
There has also been a change on our planet and this is one of the manifestations, but that’s another story. Keep up the good work! I enjoyed all your posts
But Jesus said, “Someone touched me; I know that power has gone out from me.”
Please, please, please! Continue to be strong and courageous! Your posts are inspiring, and a gift! (Your sentiments smacked me where I live, too! In an effort to “not take on too much” and “keep it simple” – am I hiding my gifts? Ouch!) Thank you!
Great, honest, pure words. Please know from writer to writer…it is hard. It’s a calling but it’s hard. It’s helped me to just focus on what is in front of me, trusting that God has a plan and not trying to “Make” it happen. What you might think he will do with your writing might be very different than what he will actually do. Be open, and just keep using your gift 🙂
Kristen, I’ve been missing you, but I figured you needed to take a break what with your husband just home and the holidays upon us. So glad you’r back. The Lord in you has much to share yet. Your openess, honesty, transparency is an encouragement to us. Some of us have things we need to share that we only find freedom to do here. What you share of yourself draws us out. And God, the Holy Spirit, gives you wisdom from His Word, principles, applications that are helpful and give us something to think about. So welcome back! God’s richest blessings on you two and your children.
Love this! And God can only work through our weakness – if we think we can handle it we leave Him out of the picture!
Kristen,
I know this feeling oh so well. The pouring out, and the collapsing… and then, the being filled, by God who calls us, God who loves the weak and tends to their wounds and lifts them up again.
Keep writing, friend, but even more importantly, keep receiving from Him 🙂
Emily
Excellent! Very well done. A wonderfully-worded snapshot of hiding. Keep seeking.
Another truly moving entry. Thank you for sharing yourself with the rest of us.
And this? Yes. I’m there with you. The proof of my book came in the mail the other day and, oh, I have been in agony ever since. For some reason I was able to ignore things when it was just an ebook, but a real, physical book that contained all of me, dropped me flat as well. And He’s been saying those same things over and over.
Thanks for the reminder to get myself up. I’m going, I’m going… 🙂
Your words are so very true and it is just not u this is something we all go through in our lives!!! I am glad u got up the Lord will guide u throught the rest!! YOu are such a blessing to so many people!!! I will be praying for ya!
You got up ~ God will do the rest!
yay! Glad you are going on. You will never know how much you have touched the life of this missionary even with this blog. I can relate even with how you struggle to go on. I have my struggles to go on too. Although at times I am afraid to admit it. what would people say about a missionary who struggles at times to continue??? What would they say about a missionary who at times feels too exhausted physically, emotionally, and spiritually to take even another step? So, I struggle on in silence. Reading this brings tears to my eyes and encourages me that God is big enough, strong enough, and more than enough. You do have a gift. You do have a ministry. hugs and blessings!!!!!!
I have really enjoyed and appreciated your words and am thankful that God has called you to share your life with us.
I’m glad you were able to hear the voice of the Lord speaking to you and trust you found the encouragement you need to carry on.
I have enjoyed your blog so much!! Isnt it awesome that thru the Lord we are made strong! Through the Lord we can move mountains! All we have to do is have faith & believe He can use us. We just have to be a willing vessel. I will be praying for you now every day!
Ah, pode deixar q darei sempre dicas sobre os BBBs nos próximos produtos !! Adorei a sugestão !! E falência ??Jamaissssss … please … ñ quero ser culpada … e falida tb … rsrs !!
This may not be relevant, but whatever the trend in advertising, in my opinion writers, tone, presentation, bloody good copy etc are still vital to every other aspect of brands generally. It’s almost a cliche now, but innocent drinks without Dan Germain? Forget about it. You can advertise without copy, but you can’t build a strong brand with a bunch of clever visuals – so maybe the copywriters just went elsewhere.
continue with the the good work on the blog. I love it. Could maybe use some more updates more often, but iÂ’m quite sure that you got more or better things to do , hehe. =p
That’s way the bestest answer so far!
Oh I so appreciate your words… Your brokenness…. Your honesty… You will never know this side of heaven how many lives you touch…. Mine is one. I know you are tired… But I can’t help but be thankful that the Lord hadn’t released of this “burden”yet… Because you are such a blessing. I’m praying for you.
I second this comment!
Yes yes and yes. I haven’t read your series, but this post resounds in my soul. How I know that too. Bless you for sharing your thoughts and struggles. It matters.